April 21, 2024

Horoscopes for November 11-17, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will tell everyone the true meaning of life is; Mersey Dotes and Dosey Dotes and Little Lambs Eat Ivy or Awop Bop A Lu Bop Alop Bam Boom.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Still recovering from a number of Halloween parties, you will show up for work in a variety of horror costumes. Fortunately, no one will notice. Business as usual.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will worry about reaching rock bottom. It’s not the rock you need to be concerned with, it’s the nasty, gooey, stinky bottom where all the crap settles.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

After reading about the negative happenings around the world, you discuss them with friends. They will say count your blessings. Math is your weakest subject.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You will tire of people telling you to keep a stiff upper lip. Remind them, the injections could leave you looking like a cross between Joan Rivers and a Pug.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will get in touch with your inner child, who will tell authorities that you have been touching in an inappropriate manner, questioning your virtual sanity.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You will finally decide to go for that make-over this month. People will be impressed with your new look, but still disgusted with your depraved personality.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

November is a great month to lighten up and let your hair down. Almost the exact same advice will given by your doctor – lose some weight and stop worrying.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will remember anything worth doing is worth doing well. For you, it means screaming, laying on the ground, pounding your hands and feet to get your way.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. Or, you could go into politics, rig the elections and accomplish the same thing, with benefits.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You will become famous after appearing on Oprah to promote your new book written about your workplace. “Nobody’s Okay, You’re All Insane” will be a best seller.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

This month, you will be hoisted on the shoulders of friends and strangers alike after discovering a statue in the middle of a park that sheds tears of beer.

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