March 29, 2024

Differences Between Men and Women

NAMES: If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the gals get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A…

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Headlines from Other Papers

“Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-pound Ball on His Head” “Bridges Help People Cross Rivers” “City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells” “Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances” “Meeting on Open Meetings Is Closed” “Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney” “Puerto Rican Teen Named Mistress of the Universe” “County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds” “An Australian Army Vehicle Has Gone Missing After Being Painted with Camouflage” “Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum” “Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons” “Statistics Show that Teen Pregnancy drops Off Significantly After Age 25” “Meat Head Resigns” “Barbershop Singers Bring…

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Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.” However, in government, education and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse. 4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses. 5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 6….

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Ford Versus Windows . . .

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…twice a day. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would…

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Observing Sleep

At a relatively young age, say 20 something, I watched several minutes of Andy Warhol’s five-hour film “Sleep,” showing only a nude man sleeping through the night. There were no explosions, no trysts, just frame after frame of a nude man sleeping. Although critics determined to catch the avant garde wave insisted on making a fuss over this contribution to Warhol’s self-made mythology, I found myself bored and walked out of the theater. And later, when friends asked what I thought about “Sleep,” I just couldn’t bring myself to engage in a serious discussion of the film’s purported outrageousness, its capacity to irritate or the…

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For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner. 10. When…

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A Barbie Women Can Relate To

Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and her face turns beet red with drops of perspiration appearing on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tissues. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. Flabby Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in…

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We Don’t Serve Miners!

Prior to the discovery of gold in California, a castaway Christian congregation, led by a Mr. Brigham Young, set up shop at most of Utah’s good watering holes. Mr. Young’s followers were farmers. They did not drink, at least not in the vernacular sense of the word. However, after the 1849 discovery of gold in California, waves of fortune hunters started showing up at the Utah watering holes. These fortune hunters were miners. In the vernacular sense of the word, they were drinkers, much like Jim and I. The farmers had adopted a no-drinking policy, and since the farmers were there first, they got to…

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