February 27, 2024

Darwin Awards

Thwarted Robbery – James Elliot, would-be robber, peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again after his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up. This time, it worked.

Chicago Storm – A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned to find a woman had taken the space. He shot her.

Crazy Bar Stop – After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a bus stop and offered everyone there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for days.

Duh Oh – An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train.

Robbery? – A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer…$15! (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

Bouncing Brick – An Arkansas guy decided to throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. He lifted the block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Extremely Positive ID – As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher, put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

BK Bust – The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Seattle Siphon Fail – A man attempting to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, got more than he bargained for. Police arrived to find a man curled up next to a motor home. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

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