April 25, 2024

Speaking in Code

Dear Frankly,

My name is Larry and my girlfriend has just decided to “take a break” with me. I said, “OK,” but now she’s trying to stay away from me. She has asked me to stop calling her and she has also told me that we can’t see each other as much anymore because she needs some “personal space.” She won’t even give me a chance to try to work things out. What am I supposed to do? Please help me. How can I win her back?

Lovelorn Larry

Dear Lovelorn,

I can’t see why you would want to get back with someone who wants personal space. Personal space is just code for get the hell out of my life, you total loser. You should tell her, “I’ll be here when you’re ready,” which is code for I’m moving on you worthless hag. Good riddance.

Dear Frankly,

I am a lonely man, in his (very) early forties, who has much to offer a woman. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find anyone who is interested in: art, spirituality, Mayan history, traveling, teaching, reading, creating computer animations, the Internet, Yellow Submarine, old Indian petroglyphs, putting fake insects into people’s beds, sending nonsense emails to all my friends, and laughing insanely at relatively nothing. Am I asking too much of the Universe? Where in the world can I find my soul mate?

Nowhere Man

Dear Nowhere,

Your name says it all–Nowhere. Were you expecting a female clone of yourself? My advice would be for you to start hanging around bathhouses or family reunions.


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