March 30, 2023

  • The Sirens and the Titans

    It’s February. That means just one thing. It’s Stupor Bowl time. It wasn’t always this way. When I was a kid, the Stupor Bowl was in January. But that was before football—the American kind where they wear lots of pads, a helmet with a face mask and spend an inordinate amount of time touching one another—became a ‘big deal.” It was a time before they had sixteen teams to sort through before we knew who was playing. I don’t know if any of you were around in 1967, but I remember the first Stupor Bowl. The two teams got there…

  • The Bond Between a Man and His Hats

    The other day my wife suggested that I discard a hat that I have owned for some time. Her exact words were, “How can you stand to put that grubby thing on your head? You have seventy-three hats, sixty-nine of which you’ve never worn. Get rid of it.” Obviously, she does not know the bond between a man and his hats. They’re actually caps, but I call them hats, because you put a cap on toothpaste, and you put a hat on your head. There’s a big difference (unless it’s a ball cap). A man needs only six hats: One…

  • The C C ‘n R’s

    Many of us live in complexes or communities that are governed by a thin layer of bureaucracy referred to as a homeowners association.  Most associations use a set of rules and regulations as a guideline for making decisions about our everyday lives. These rules are called “The C C & R’s.” According to the board of directors this stands for Covenants, Conditions & Restrictions, but I found out it really means Convoluted, Confusing & Really stupid. I will go over a few of the rules we live by and the real reasons for having them. Some of these rules may…

  • The Joys of Having Boys

    The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas… Things I’ve Learned from My Boys (honest, not  kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman…

  • Remember When People Used to Say…

    (1) “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00.” (2) “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one.” (3) “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.” (4) “Did you hear the post office might charge a dime to mail a letter?” (5) “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire help.” (6) “When…

FEATURED WORLD EDITION

Big Bird Protests

Oct 28, 2019

The Excentric World Really Big Story staff take a close look at the most recent protest to flare up at a university in the United States. On the heels of the election and the debates, characters from Sesame Street hit the streets to alert Congress that they won’t stand around like puppets on a string while federal funding is slashed so millionaires can keep more of their ill-gotten booty. Statistics show that children who watch Public Television grow up displaying a higher aptitude than those who are confined to sugar coated cereal sponsored cartoons–unless the cartoons were from the varietal works…

Gossip

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “None are so fond of secrets as those who do not mean to keep them.” — Charles Caleb Colton “Even doubtful accusations leave a stain behind them.” — Thomas Fuller “Gossip is always a personal confession either of malice or imbecility.” — Josiah Gilbert Holland “What people say behind your back is your standing in the community.” —…

Why You Should Vote . . .

Oct 28, 2019

OUT OF CLOSET INTO JAIL NEWS: Uganda’s parliamentary speaker said she wanted to pass as a “Christmas gift” for Ugandans an anti-gay law, which rights groups have criticized for its draconian penalties against homosexuals. The bill had initially proposed the death penalty for gays in the conservative east African country but still presents an array of jail terms for convicted homosexuals, including life imprisonment in certain circumstances. With 60% of Ugandans being Catholic, everyone is nervous. SUPREME VOTING RIGHTS NEWS: The world’s greatest democracy was laden with long lines, misinformation and voter suppression during the 2012 elections. It proved to…

More Thoughts To Ponder–Or Not!

Oct 28, 2019

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at…

Laws of the Universe

Oct 28, 2019

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: Dial a wrong number; you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If…

Long Live Snail Mail

Oct 28, 2019

If you receive an email on your computer entitled “Bedtimes” then delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It re-programs your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank….

Slam Dunk

Oct 28, 2019

DOUBLE DUH NEWS: Harvey Miller, 43, a paraplegic, and Edwin Marzinske, 55, both from Wisconsin, were recently charged with drunken driving the same vehicle simultaneously. They were clocked doing 35 mph in a 55 zone. Miller, working the steering blew 0.16 and Marzinske, working the gas and brakes, blew 0.09. They were planning to defend themselves. Perhaps Miller will open and close and Marzinske will cross examine. A slam dunk. UNDERCOVER PLANT NEWS: Two of Maine’s brightest, Travis Child and Jeremy Belskis, both 20, were arrested after they’d seen a pickup with marijuana plants in the back being used by…

New Living Will!

Oct 28, 2019

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______A Bloody Mary ______A Margarita ______A Scotch and Soda ______A Martini ______A Vodka and Tonic ______A Steak ______Lobster or Crab Legs ______The Remote Control ______A Bowl of Ice Cream ______The Sports…

Shadows on a Cave Wall

Oct 28, 2019

Sitting in a semi-lotus position on hard stones, Plato watched flickering shadows cavort on the cave wall. He had the bemused look of someone who was confident the shadows weren’t real in any meaningful sense. They were there for a moment’s fleeting entertainment, pale imitations of essences he was sure existed. Plato chuckled at the foolishness of people who spent time–often an entire life–measuring, dissecting and building with the puny tools of reason foisted on them by Aristotle and his ilk. They took appearances made of shadow matter–so much fairy dust–entirely too seriously. Thinking about the meaning of the ideal and the real and…

Efforts to Save on Rising Fuel Costs

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members take a look at Americans’ efforts to save on rising fuel costs. This motorist is a prime example of why you may not want to trade in that gas guzzling truck for a fuel saving compact. While the forklift operator argued that the vehicle could not withstand the weight of the load the homeowner ordered, the driver insisted his car had no problem carrying his order home. Judging by the photograph, the driver misjudged his car’s hauling capabilities by just a bit. The forklift driver, who snapped this picture, said the car’s axle had broken and…

Ask Kids about Parents

Oct 28, 2019

Why did your Mom marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on. Who’s the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to cuz dad’s such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than…

28 Thoughts to Ponder–Or Not!

Oct 28, 2019

1. My husband and I divorced over religion. He thought he was God and I didn’t. 2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me! 4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. 7. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane…

Words Women Use

Oct 28, 2019

“FINE.” This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. “FIVE MINUTES.” If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the ball game before helping around the house. “NOTHING.” This is the calm before the storm. This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “Nothing” usually end in “Fine.” “GO AHEAD!” This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it! <LOUD SIGH> This is not actually…

Differences Between Men and Women

Oct 28, 2019

NAMES: If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the gals get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A…

Headlines from Other Papers

Oct 28, 2019

“Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-pound Ball on His Head” “Bridges Help People Cross Rivers” “City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells” “Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances” “Meeting on Open Meetings Is Closed” “Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney” “Puerto Rican Teen Named Mistress of the Universe” “County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds” “An Australian Army Vehicle Has Gone Missing After Being Painted with Camouflage” “Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum” “Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons” “Statistics Show that Teen Pregnancy drops Off Significantly After Age 25” “Meat Head Resigns” “Barbershop Singers Bring…

Economical Ways of Going Green

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members look at economical ways of going green in a climate change future. A new program aimed at retrofitting older vehicles rolling on America’s streets starts with a white paint job and includes gas saving innovations such as wind sails. Unfortunately, it appears in this picture, the driver is going in reverse. Maybe we should include that disclaimer thing that says “Do not attempt this at home.” Jeez, we certainly hope the driver employs good reverse maneuvering skills. Lots of people can’t even back out of a driveway successfully.     Related posts: Accessories for the Designated…

Riverdale Renewal

Oct 28, 2019

I wonder, have you noticed that The Archie Comics crew Has been revised and modernized, And has emerged, anew? Sweet Betty Cooper—girl-next-door— Is looking like a tramp! Her jeans hang down below her hips; Her shirt is tight and damp; Her pony-tail is history; The girl has shaved her head; She looks a lot like Brittany And spends her days in bed! Veronica, in prison pants, Is angry, wan, and pale! She looks like Paris Hilton and She spends her nights in jail! But, kids, this is America! Don’t whine, complain or crab! Don’t be depressed! Instead, invest In Riverdale…

Baseball

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “After being traded and retraded by the Red Sox to the White Sox and back, I find that every five years a man has to change his Sox.” — Steve Lyons “Baseball is a game which consists of tapping a ball with a piece of wood, then running like a lunatic.” — H. J. Dutiel “Baseball is the…

Dead Horse Theory

Oct 28, 2019

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.” However, in government, education and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse. 4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses. 5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 6….

Ford Versus Windows . . .

Oct 28, 2019

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…twice a day. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would…

For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

Oct 28, 2019

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner. 10. When…

Observing Sleep

Oct 28, 2019

At a relatively young age, say 20 something, I watched several minutes of Andy Warhol’s five-hour film “Sleep,” showing only a nude man sleeping through the night. There were no explosions, no trysts, just frame after frame of a nude man sleeping. Although critics determined to catch the avant garde wave insisted on making a fuss over this contribution to Warhol’s self-made mythology, I found myself bored and walked out of the theater. And later, when friends asked what I thought about “Sleep,” I just couldn’t bring myself to engage in a serious discussion of the film’s purported outrageousness, its capacity to irritate or the…

A Barbie Women Can Relate To

Oct 28, 2019

Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and her face turns beet red with drops of perspiration appearing on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tissues. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. Flabby Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in…

Effects of Alcohol Binging

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members look at the effects of alcohol binging on college campuses across the country. Halloween, a known time for excessive spirits and chocolates, has sounded alarms that, in spite of fewer dollars to spend at school, there seems to be a few bucks for booze.       Related posts: Benign Torture of Loved Ones Effects of Steroids Reaction to Selective Shopping The Italian Pasta Diet

We Don’t Serve Miners!

Oct 28, 2019

Prior to the discovery of gold in California, a castaway Christian congregation, led by a Mr. Brigham Young, set up shop at most of Utah’s good watering holes. Mr. Young’s followers were farmers. They did not drink, at least not in the vernacular sense of the word. However, after the 1849 discovery of gold in California, waves of fortune hunters started showing up at the Utah watering holes. These fortune hunters were miners. In the vernacular sense of the word, they were drinkers, much like Jim and I. The farmers had adopted a no-drinking policy, and since the farmers were there first, they got to…

Astrology for the Weak

Horoscopes for January 27-February 2, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will try to continue passing the holiday spirit along by whistling carols. Joy will come to an abrupt stop when friends and co-workers Super Glue your lips. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be approached by the authorities soon for assault with intent to cause internal harm after relatives report you for re-gifting those nasty old fruitcakes. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will emerge from a life-long doubt about the existence of Santa Claus this month. You still didn’t receive any gifts, but your roof is covered in reindeer poop….

Astrology for the Weak January 20-26, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The beginning of a new year finds your wanderlust reaching near epidemic proportions. Even a flight on Southwest cattle-call airlines sounds pretty good. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Go ahead and ask yourself the really big questions. Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Am I fulfilled? Do I feel good? Why are we all here? Then get a Happy Meal. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’ ll be in a very lovey-dovey kind of place this month. There is almost certainly going to be a little hand holding and maybe even an…

Horoscopes for January 13-19, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You are getting back into the dating scene and seeking advice from your friends. They will tell you to just be yourself. I suggest you be someone interesting instead. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Careful what you wish for. After complaining about your paycheck, your boss may agree that your pay doesn’t match your work skills and cut your pay in half. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will come under attack by a person wrapped in roast beef. You’ll protect yourself by slathering your body with mayonnaise and waving white bread. CANCER…

Horoscopes for January 6-12, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Dreams do come true. If you’re doubtful, trust your antennae and wait. Of course, people will tend to stare at you if you attach aluminum foil for better reception. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ ll be bitten by the travel bug in January. Unfortunately, it will be venomous and force you to stay close to home and drink yucky tasting green liquids. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You begin the New Year with more money than expected. Surprisingly, many of your Christmas gift included receipts, making them easy to return for cash….

Horoscopes for December 30, 2012-January 5, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will develop a craving for fish and peas this month. Knowing that those are favorites of Santa’s elves makes one pause to wonder if you make toys for a living. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will peek at the gifts under the tree looking for that special gift from Santa. You’ll switch some of the tags and end up with your mom’s underwear, again. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be asked to come up with your special Sedona name now that you have lived there for a year. “Works…

Horoscopes for December 23-29

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Take deep, controlled breaths if you are stuck trying to explain something kind of simple to someone who is also kind of simple–like the facts of life to your spouse. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Stars forecast that your subconscious is working overtime this month. Pay close attention to the signals it is sending, especially when it comes to hair removal. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You need to evaluate your goals and put together a list of your top priorities. With holiday season upon us, sorting your sock and underwear drawer…

Horoscopes for December 16-22, 2012

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You’re an activator, an instigator, maybe even an agitator trying to convince a certain someone that your way’s the best way. Unfortunately, they’re not buying it. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’re hoping to celebrate as you work to expand your mind. Sadly, your waistline is expanding at a more rapid rate, holding your mind hostage on the couch. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your hopes and desires come into play this December — and the stars favor a risk. Stand under the mistletoe at work until someone comes along who will…

Horoscopes for December 9-15, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, melodramatic complications can come from people close to you. It would be best to keep your distance, or wear one of those surgical mask thingies. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You may feel as though it is impossible to combine your desires with what is good for you. You know – if it’s fattening, looks good or feels good, you can’t have it. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You decked your halls, sang carols door-to-door, gave away cookies to friends and co-workers. All that’s left is to smile when you unwrap…