November 28, 2021

Horoscopes for July 7-13, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will be greatly disappointed this month when you try to sell your doggie’s feces in the shape of Elvis’s face on ebay for $5,000 and don’t get any bids. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will celebrate too early over the invention of the Virtual Jump Rope when sued by the inventor of the Cordless Jump Rope. You’ll cease, no strings attached. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will try to publish a book about some strange happenings you have been experiencing while visiting the restroom. You’ll call your book, “The Toilet…

Horoscopes for June 30-July 6, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, your neighbor builds a 3-hole putting green in his basement. Not to be outdone, you will begin plans to construct a driving range in your living room. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You may have a hoarding compulsion. But, in your case, it actually could save you money, as fashion trends seem to resurface about every 20 years or so. Diet! GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) It is time to send letters to all those who are close to you in mind, but far away in distance. By the time some…

What’s Your Sign? Astrology for the Weak June 23-29, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The stars show that you should let other people take charge of things this month. But, of course, you won’t. You’re a Capricorn and only you’re the boss of you. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) It is really important to give your body a good chunk of vigorous exercise. After all, during the spring months you put a good chunk of junk in your trunk. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Soak up misguided attention. Enjoy being in the limelight. Savor all the adulation you’re getting. Very soon, people will discover you are…

Horoscopes for June 16-22, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will look for a new job. Don’t quit your day job yet, as there is little demand for an experienced yachtsman who enjoys gambling, whiskey and a good cigar. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month will find you hanging out with movie stars and the politically elite. In a short period of time, you will be detained for crashing the party uninvited. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will question the quality of your breath this month, as when you talked with someone, they turned away. Later, you will find they…

Horoscopes for June 9-15, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will recall days of rocking on a porch, whittling a stick, humming a tune and trying to hit that spittoon. Funny, you can’t recall starring in Deliverance. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will have a recurring nightmare of being reincarnated as a chihuahua, running in a parking lot with a taco in your mouth, being chased by a giant bell. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will try to get into the dating scene after a long hiatus. While coffee shops are the new, hip places to hang, watch out for…