February 28, 2024

Letter to Santa!

Dear Santa,

Hi. How are you? I am fine. My name is Buck.

How often do you visit Kentucky? At least once a year, I guess. That’s a good thing, because Kentucky has lots of kids like me who can’t wait for your visit at Christmas.

I am writing to you to ask for Christmas presents for my family. They need a lot of things, so I hope you have a lot of room in your sleigh.

Please bring my Daddy a new shotgun. He says that his old one just doesn’t shoot straight any more. He thinks that’s because he caught me using it to hammer in the fence posts he told me to put around the south field. How was I to know that was wrong? I haven’t been able to find the sledgehammer ever since I took it out to the yard to hunt moles–they don’t like it when you smack them over the head.

Anyway, I thought the shotgun would be a good thing to use since it’s big and heavy and you never can tell when you might need a shotgun. I heard that bears like to attack kids who are hammering in fence posts, so I thought it was a good idea to be prepared in case I was attacked by a bear.

As it turned out, Daddy probably hurt me more than any old bear could have. When he saw me using his shotgun to hammer in the fence posts he got real mad and whupped me. That’s not fair! I was just trying to do a good job.

Daddy could also use a new rear bumper for his truck. You see, it happened this way. Daddy had been complaining for weeks that he was going to have to chop down the old dead oak tree in the side yard before it fell down on the house.¬†At least once a day Daddy would look out the window at that tree and he’d say, “That reminds me. I’ve got to cut down that old, dead oak tree before it falls down on the house.”

Every time he said that, I got scared and couldn’t sleep because you never know when an old, dead tree is going to come crashing down. And I’ve heard that oak trees can be real mean and I was afraid that oak tree wanted to fall on my bedroom because I carved my initials on it so many times.

Anyway, Daddy kept saying that for a long time, so I thought I’d help him get the job done. Late that night I snuck out of my bedroom and went out to the barn where there was a bunch of big, old, strong rope. I wrapped the rope around the tree a couple of times, then tied it real tight to the rear bumper of Daddy’s truck. I figured that when Daddy left to go to work the next day, he’d drive off and pull the tree down and that would be the end of the problem. It didn’t work out that way and Daddy got mad at me again.

Mom says she’d really like a whole brand new kitchen for Christmas this year. She’s really getting tired of having to cook on that old hotplate in the corner of the living room. I didn’t mean for it to work out the way it did. I just wanted to make her a nice breakfast for Mother’s Day, so I got up real early and went to the kitchen to fix her a special treat.

I know Mom likes hot cereal, so I got out the box of oatmeal and poured a big bunch of it into her favorite cereal bowl, then put the bowl on the stove to warm it up. I figured when it got hot enough all I had to do was pour in the milk and add a bunch of sugar.

While it warmed up, I went out to get the Sunday paper so Mom could read the funnies with her breakfast. Of course, you never really know if the funnies are going to be funny or not, so I took the trouble to check them out for her. After I finished the funnies, I took a minute to read that fishing story in the magazine section, then checked out the K-Mart ad to see if they had any new NASCAR models on sale.

Anyway, when I went back to the kitchen I saw that the plastic cereal bowl on the stove had melted and leaked the dry oatmeal all over the place. I didn’t know dry oatmeal could burn so fast. Before I could do anything, the flames were halfway up the wall and had caught the kitchen curtains on fire. I managed to get to the refrigerator and rescue the jug of milk just before the flames got there. The milk didn’t do much to put out the fire and I couldn’t get to the sink for water because the floor was beginning to collapse. I guess it’s a good thing Mom and Daddy woke up then, because they had the idea to call the fire department. The firemen came real fast with their sirens screaming and their lights flashing.

Everybody in the neighborhood came to watch. It was really neat watching the firemen running around and do all their fireman stuff to put out the fire before it could burn down the whole house. I overheard my daddy talking to the fire chief. I think I heard him say stuff like, “Stupid kid!” and “Gonna whup him within an inch of his life!”

Anyway, Daddy got mad again. Momma said it was a Mother’s Day she’d remember for the rest of her life.

Please bring my sister a big box of spiders. She was mean to me all year and doesn’t deserve any nice presents.

I want a new computer game, a log cabin clubhouse in the back yard, a new four-wheeler, a new fishing rod, a .22 rifle, and a horse. I hope you can get me all these things. I’ve been good.



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