July 6, 2022

Mother’s Day Ideas

These are the times that try guy’s souls. Mother’s Day was created for three reasons. One, to sell greeting cards and flowers. Two, to increase business at restaurants. Three, to drive guys nuts figuring out what they can “get away with.” That is, maximum impact for minimum hassle, just to get Mother’s Day behind them. (Come on, guys, don’t look at me like that. You know I’m telling the truth even if it isn’t pretty.)

I once heard about a guy who completely FORGOT Mother’s Day, but I won’t go into detail. It wasn’t a pretty sight. Each year we celebrate Mother’s Day by doing the same old things. This year, we’re going to celebrate by doing the same old things with a fun new twist. Ready? Here goes.

BREAKFAST IN BED: Real early in the morning, sneak into Mom’s room and tie her to the bed. Gather the family and carry the bed out to the truck. Head for McDonald’s. Order a mess ‘o Happy Breakfasts at the drive-thru window and join Mom for breakfast in bed in the middle of the parking lot. She’ll be sure to remember this special Mother’s Day.

Hint: If it’s raining, go buy that cap you’ve been wanting for the truck bed and tell Mom it’s her special present.

TAKE MOM OUT TO DINNER: Mother’s Day is one of the worst days of the year to go anywhere near popular restaurants. You can be assured of standing in line for hours only to discover that, by the time you get in, the only things left on the menu are fried squid and rutabaga surprise. Instead, take Mom someplace you know won’t be crowded. Suggestions include Chuck E. Cheese, Sonic, Hardees, Roadkill Cafe, Huck’s (call for reservations), B.P. Quickmart and Deli, or if you want to be trendy, the Cosmic New Awareness Multicultural Sushi Bar, Vegan Buffet, Health Food and Wellness Emporium. Guaranteed no long lines.

FLOWERS: Visit your neighbor’s yard at night and strip his flowerbeds. Stop along roadsides to collect wildflowers. Go to the bottoms and pull some pretty vines off the cypress trees. A nearby farm pond/swamp is a good source of greens and succulents.

Guys know that quantity is more important than quality, so it doesn’t matter what you get. Just get a lot of it. Arrange your harvest in a pretty 55-gallon drum, tie a big festive ribbon around it and wheel that sucker right up to Mom’s bedside first thing in the morning, singing as loud as you can. Don’t worry about jockeying a 55-gallon drum around. This provides the perfect excuse to go buy that forklift you’ve been wanting.

TAKE MOM FISHING: All Moms like cards from their kids. Make a card with a big fish on the front. Inside it can say, “Dear Mom, I know this is your special day. If you’ll dig worms, gather crickets, grease the bearings on the boat trailer, pack a lunch (no egg salad, please), sit quietly on the boat, clean the equipment, hose down the boat, clean and cook the catch (don’t forget fresh slaw and hushpuppies) and wash the dishes, I’ll sacrifice my Sunday afternoon to TAKE YOU FISHING! Love, (your name here).” Mom will be speechless.

TAKE MOM SHOPPING: One of the most thoughtful things a guy can do is to spend hours walking around a shopping mall while his Mom goes into every store, tries on every dress and every pair of shoes and talks endlessly about styles and color combinations. If there exists a guy thoughtful enough to do this, he should be hunted down and exterminated.

A good alternative is to give Mom a gift certificate to places you enjoy and frequent: Big A Auto Parts, Jiffy Lube, Tractor Supply, Louie’s Bait House, Southside Diesel Repair and Machine Shop, Dunn’s Sporting Goods, Paducah Shooter’s Supply, Fred’s Sports Bar, Fast Eddie’s Pool Room, Ecstasy Tanning, Body Piercing and Tattoo, Rambo Survival Camp, Kelly’s Mountain Climbing and Orienteering Supply, Stinky Sam’s Chewing Tobacco Shop, Boomland, Bob’s Big Buffet and Shoeshine, Heartland Inter-Species Barbecue and Karaoke Research Station, Ringling Brothers’ Clown College, Jack’s NASCAR Wannabe Hot Rod Track, Tires “R” Us, Precision Transmission’s Observation Gallery, University of Kentucky’s Advanced Celestial Mechanics Lecture Series, Green Turtle Bay’s Bass Boat Polishing School, Custom Snakeskin Boots, Grainger Industrial Supply, Paul Bunyan Logging School, Saddle Sore Dude Ranch, Geronimo’s Skydiving Academy, a lifetime subscription to “Soldier of Fortune,” “Popular Mechanics,” “NASCAR Trivia,” or “NFL Digest.”

You can cap all this neat stuff off with a book of tickets for the mechanical bull at Cowboy Bob’s Honky Tonk or a tuition voucher for the Massive Convoy Truck Driving School.

TICKETS TO A SHOW: What Mom hasn’t dreamed of dressing up, going out and losing an hour or two for the romance and fantasy of the theater? I’ve obtained a secret advance list of bookings at the Executive Inn Express showroom. Call for tickets right away as these shows will sell out early.

This awesome list includes such delights as The Very Loud and Annoying Rap Review, Beastie Boys Bomb on Broadway, Out O’ Sync, Tanya Harding’s Hubcap Hullabaloo, The Not Ready for Branson All Female Kazoo Brigade and Marching Band, Uncle Caleb’s All Star Salute to Pokeweed, the Dancing Catfish Aqua Ballet (bring a raincoat), and the ever popular Oil Well Willie’s Jug Band and Chorus singing their famous “Heart” hits including “My Tears Have Washed I Love You” from the Blackboard of Your Heart, “I’m Open Again for Business in My Heart” and “You Can Take My Love and Shove It Up Your Heart.”

As ever, I hope I’ve been helpful in your time of need. One thing’s for certain, any of these ideas is sure create a Mother’s Day to remember.

I’ve gotta go now and finish wrapping my Mom’s present. I hope this case of Tabasco gets there all right.

See ya around,


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