November 29, 2023

Americans with No Abilities Act Passes

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Congress quietly approved sweeping legislation which provides new benefits for millions of Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), expected to be signed into law by the president shortly after inauguration, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the hordes of Americans who lack any real working skills or ambition.

“Roughly 25 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said an unidentified congressman and longtime AWNAA supporter.

“This is why many of them vote for me term after term. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing,” the congressman said.

Another life-long legislator pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65%).

A number of federal legislators have also set an example, personally recommending hundreds of nonabled people for top government positions, including judgeships and many cabinet-level jobs.

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to every corporation which maintains a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire at least one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as “Do you have any goals for the future?” or “Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?” and “Hey! Are you awake?”

“As a Nonabled person, it’s unfair to expect people like me to keep up with those who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at a Wal-Mart tire shop due to her lack of notable job skills. “This new law should really help people like me.”

With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Another anonymous congressional official said, “It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

This report was proudly prepared by a group of hard-working, under-appreciated, under-paid, professional, disgruntled employees who spent the few free hours they had per week to expose this gross governmental fraud and in no way represents the Excentric World’s Nonabled employees.

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