April 17, 2024

Horoscopes for August 4-10, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Every time an astrological forecast came true, it was pure luck, or you did something to make it come true. The discovery of a new planet changes everything.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

September might as well be April or February or December. Now that a tenth planet has been found orbiting our sun, all bets are off. So are all forecasts.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You would be having one the best times of your life this month if it weren’t for the sighting of that tenth planet in our solar system. That’s just a darned shame.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

To celebrate the discovery of yet another planet within the gravitational pull of our sun, you’ll take a bath and make your own discovery. Eureka, you have found it.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This month could be fun. Or it could be a drag. Or it could be adventurous. Or it could be boring. Or it could be . . . Who the hell knows? There’s a tenth planet.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Virgos will be the first to realize that every astrological forecast since the beginning of time is bunk. They were all based on a nine planet solar system, not ten.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You’ll have a dream. Then you’ll wake up. With the addition of a tenth planet to our solar system, this trend will continue until you are no longer among the living.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

No escaping it. Scorpios are caught up in that tenth planet controversy along with all the other astrology followers. Scorpios will accept the news better than most.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

This month, you’ll freak out over the news of a tenth planet and seek out a prominent therapist for guidance, only to discover they converted to Scientology.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You celebrate the discovery of the tenth planet, even though it totally screws up all your previous forecasts. Obviously, your forecasts had pretty much sucked.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You spent the past eight years plotting out your career, wedding and child raising plans based on the nine planets’ alignment. Now you have to scrap everything.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Capricorns have taken a level-headed approach to the discovery of a tenth planet and have organized to have Pluto demoted to stardom and leave the count at nine.

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