Lesser Known July Holidays
July 1 is . . . Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow Day July 2 is . . . Visitation of The Virgin Mary Day July 3 is . . . Stay Out of The Sun Day & Compliment Your Mirror Day July 4 is . . . Country Music Day & Tom Sawyer Fence-Painting Day July 5 is . . . Workaholics Day July 6 is . . . National Fried Chicken Day July 7 is . . . National Strawberry Sundae Day July 8 is . . . Video Games Day July 9 is ….
American Corporate Ingenuity
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired…
From the Brink of Think
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvyBpsQ3dyE It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone “to relax,” I told myself; but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and…
Don’t Break the Chain
THANKS A BUNCH to my friends, for sending me spam emails over the years: I stopped drinking Coca Cola: after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies: for fear of sitting on an infected needle. I smell like a dog: since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer. I also stopped answering the phone: for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo. I stopped consuming several foods: for fear that the…
Life in the 1500s
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor, hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children, last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually…
Letter Home From Boot Camp
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed til nearly 6am but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothin’. Got to shave but…
Lesser Known June Holidays
June 1 is . . . Dare Day June 2 is . . . National Rocky Road Day June 3 is . . . Repeat Day June 4 is . . . Old Maid’s Day June 5 is . . . Festival Of Popular Delusions Day June 6 is . . . Teacher’s Day and National Applesauce Cake Day June 7 is . . . National Chocolate Ice Cream Day June 8 is . . . Name Your Poison Day June 9 is . . . Donald Duck Day June 10 is . . . National Yo-Yo Day June 11…
Tech Support for Spouses
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 , but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate, First, keep…
Murphy’s Other Laws
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? 6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 8. Seen it all, done it all. Can’t remember most of it. 9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. 10. I feel like I’m diagonally…
The South is All Them Red States
They measure distance in minutes. They’ve often had to switch from heat to a/c in the same day. You’ll see a car running in a store parking lot with no one in it no matter what time of the year. They use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store. All the festivals across the South are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal. They install security lights on their houses and garages and then leave both unlocked. They carry jumper cables in their car… for their OWN car. They know what “cow…
Literary Award
These are the ten winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel… #10 As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it. #9 Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens. #8 With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed the lustrous thick, brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description….
Useful Military Warnings
“Aim towards the Enemy.” Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” U.S. Army magazine “Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop “If the enemy is in range, so are you.” Infantry Journal “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”…
Lesser Known May Holidays
May 1 is . . . Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day May 2 is . . . Fire Day May 3 is . . . Lumpy Rug Day May 4 is . . . National Candied Orange Peel Day May 5 is . . . National Hoagie Day May 6 is . . . Beverage Day May 7 is . . . International Tuba Day and National Roast Leg of Lamb Day May 8 is . . . No Socks Day and Have A Coke Day May 9 is . . . Lost Sock Memorial Day May…
Politically Correct Guys & Gals
1. She is not a Babe or Chick – She is a Breasted American. 2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner – She is Vocally Appreciative. 3. She is not Easy – She is Horizontally Accessible. 4. She is not Dumb – She is a Detour Off The Information Highway. 5. She has not Been Around – She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion. 6. She is not an Air Head – She is Reality Impaired. 7. She does not get Drunk – She gets Chemically Inconvenienced. 8. She has not had Breast Augmentation – She is Medically Enhanced. 9….
Keep America Beautiful
Many of you 50 and older are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. You’re unsure about the kind of image you are projecting, and whether or not you are correct as you try to conform to the fashions that the designers inflict upon the world. So here are the results of a study of the situation. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and a bald spot 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirt and…
Life’s Little Philosophies
1. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often. 3. Going to a church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. It isn’t the jeans that make your butt look fat. 5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9….
You Are Only Old As You…
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” A woman was sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist. She noticed his DDS certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in her high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that she had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face…
Say It Isn’t Sonny
There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do–and he didn’t seem overly concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table these three objects: a new Bible, a pure silver dollar, and a bottle of Kentucky whiskey… “Now…
Wal-Mart Wine
Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said, “The right name is important.” So, here goes: The top 12 suggested names for…
They Not Only Write To Santa Claus…
Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Billy Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet Dear God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told…
Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO
1. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters. 2. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “Turn left when you enter the trailer park.” 3. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. 4. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter. 5. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “an apple a day.” 6. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 7. Patient responsible for “200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo. 8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 9. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different…
Today’s Woman on Aging
When we age, the growth of hair on our legs slows down. Of course, now we have to take care of our newly acquired mustaches. When we age, we no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. When we age and we stand naked in front of a mirror, we can see our rear without turning around. When we age and go for a mammogram, we realize that this is the only time someone will ask us to appear topless. When we age, we want to tell all those lovely young things in tube tops to enjoy because the…
Chapter Titles from “The First Truly Useful Golf Book”
1. How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt 2. How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off the Tee 3. How to Get More Distance Off the Shank 4. Crying and How to Handle It 5. How to Rationalize a 6-hour Round 6. How to Find That Ball that Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water 7. Why Your Wife Doesn’t Care That You Birdied the 5th 8. How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome without Getting Embarrassed 9. How to Relax When You Are Hitting 5 off the Tee 10….
MORE Murphy’s Other Laws
1. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. 2. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. 3. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? 4. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population. 5. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 6. The things that come to those that wait may be the things…
From the Back Pew . . .
A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair…
New Winter Virus Alert!
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidotes known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to…
Cold is a Relative Thing
60 above zero: Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens. 50 above zero: Arizonans shiver uncontrollably. People in Duluth sunbathe. 40 above zero: Italian and English cars won’t start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down. 32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker. 20 above zero: Arizonans don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt. 15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold. Zero: People in Yuma all die. Minnesotans…
Senior Household Hints
Start a compost heap with that stuff in the bottom of the vegetable bin in your refrigerator. Patch holes in walls with leftover Thanksgiving stuffing. Save belly button lint and use it for stuffing teddy bears. Grout your kitchen and bathroom tile with cake frosting. Fix-A-Dent can also be used to fill cracks in furniture. Catnip can double as an aphrodisiac. Clean family heirloom china with salt and white vinegar. Then sell the junk and take a vacation. Drive roaches away by sprinkling that cheap wine your friends bring over around the baseboards. Hair spray and a lighter can be…
Yes, I’m a Senior Citizen
I’m the life of the party… even if it lasts until 8 p.m. I’m very good at opening childproof caps… with a hammer. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying. I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over… I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine. I’m so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental…
Lesser Known January Holidays
January 1 is First Foot Day and Z Day January 2 is Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day January 3 is Festival of Sleep Day January 4 is Trivia Day and Humiliation Day January 5 is Bird Day January 6 is Bean Day January 7 is Old Rock Day January 8 is National Joy Germ Day and Man Watcher’s Day January 9 is Play God Day January 10 is Peculiar People Day January 11 is National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day January 12 is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day January…
