April 11, 2021

  • First Family To Go To Moon Soon … by Blodwyn Smythe

    With just days before Halloween, a month before Thanksgiving, yet still another month to go before revelers get to shout, “Merry Christmas,” becuase Americans know that wishing people “Happy Holidays” or “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” is totally unacceptable in the new Trumpian World, formerly the United States of America, scuttlebut is leaking from the White House that the Trumps are planning an extended vacation out of this world – the likes of which no one has ever witnessed. Someone was even rumored to have been concked on the head for writing, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on…

  • Ye Olde Demon…

    One drink I haven’t touched on much in my writing this column is the spirit, rum. That’s mostly because I don’t drink much hard liquor. I do enjoy a well-made spirit from time to time though, and when it comes to my tastes, my preferences include whiskies, tequilas and nice dark rums. Rum tends to be one of the more neglected spirits in the average person’s bar repertoire, as it gets relegated to cheap cocktails and fruity tooty drinks. Rum has a storied history though with influence around the globe. The drink has quietly earned a place amongst the world’s…

  • Dirt Road Expert

    I’m a dirt road expert. I’ve not only driven on dirt roads in more than a dozen states and six foreign countries, but I’ve lived and worked on dirt roads in three states. I live on a dirt road now, and I am appalled, yes appalled, at the lack of etiquette I’ve seen lately in my travels. If you’re one of those prissy-pants who wouldn’t accept a barbecue invitation from the president because his ranch is on a dirt road and you don’t want to get your shiny SUV dirty, you can just skip this column and we’ll see you…

  • Happy Halloween!

    Well, how was your last Halloween? Did you go trick-or-treating? What!? You say you’re too old for that sort of thing? NONSENSE! Remember the saying, “You’re as old as you feel”? For some reason, last Halloween I felt about 10 or 12, so I decided to dress up, go around the neighborhood and gather me a stash of sweets. The first challenge was to come up with a costume. This had to be something unique, not just some store-bought standard thing anyone would put on. I investigated many avenues and tried many things before deciding what to wear. My first…

  • An Apple a Day

    I’m a history buff. I took a vacation recently to one of America’s richest history regions in Central Virginia. What struck me touring about Monticello and Montpelier (the respective homes of Thomas Jefferson and James Madison) is the day to day life that the estates would produce from the land. I found the way the homes were constructed so they could deal with everyday tasks to be fascinating, especially regarding the harvesting, storage, and preparation of foodstuffs, as both Jefferson and Madison enjoyed fine dining and entertained quite often. I had known for some time about traditional drinks of the…

FEATURED WORLD EDITION

A Barbie Women Can Relate To

Oct 28, 2019

Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and her face turns beet red with drops of perspiration appearing on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tissues. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. Flabby Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in…

Effects of Alcohol Binging

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members look at the effects of alcohol binging on college campuses across the country. Halloween, a known time for excessive spirits and chocolates, has sounded alarms that, in spite of fewer dollars to spend at school, there seems to be a few bucks for booze.       Related posts: Benign Torture of Loved Ones Effects of Steroids Reaction to Selective Shopping The Italian Pasta Diet

We Don’t Serve Miners!

Oct 28, 2019

Prior to the discovery of gold in California, a castaway Christian congregation, led by a Mr. Brigham Young, set up shop at most of Utah’s good watering holes. Mr. Young’s followers were farmers. They did not drink, at least not in the vernacular sense of the word. However, after the 1849 discovery of gold in California, waves of fortune hunters started showing up at the Utah watering holes. These fortune hunters were miners. In the vernacular sense of the word, they were drinkers, much like Jim and I. The farmers had adopted a no-drinking policy, and since the farmers were there first, they got to…

Dirty Children Make Healthy Adults?

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members take a look at why some children are more prone to diseases and infections than others. While not recommended by doctors, recent studies have shown that adults who, as children, played in creeks, ate dirt, licked their wounds and lied about washing their hands were less likely to fall ill to the common cold and were able to ward off the flu and infections. The small child pictured may look forward to a healthy adulthood, taking tolerance building to a whole new level. Licking the snout of a pig may seem gross and disgusting at first,…

On Board Computers

Oct 28, 2019

I witnessed on my plasma screen A brand new toothbrush ad! An ordinary brush except for What this toothbrush had: An actual computer in The handle! “Oh what fun!” To tell the owner of the brush Just when the teeth were done! “On-board computer,” said the voice! A phrase I’ve grown to hate, But, still, my hungry rabbit-brain Snapped quickly at the bait. On-board computers in your comb? To keep your fur arranged? On-board computers in your socks? To keep your feet estranged? On-board computers in your belt? To keep away the fat? And how about in condoms? No! I’ll…

Quotes from Sports Guys

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “It’s about 90% strength and 40% technique.” — Johnny Walker “If I wasn’t talking, I wouldn’t know what to say.” — Chico Resch “We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.” — Barry Beck “The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.” — Dizzy Dean “He fakes a bluff.” — Ron Fairly “It could permanently…

Tell-tale Expose

Oct 28, 2019

BEST SELLER NEWS: A new book is expected out before elections, penned by “Alias.” The tell-tale expose on many current high profile national politicians, many up for reelection, could very well affect the outcome. Titled, “It Takes an Idiot . . . to Raze a Village,” should both enlighten and entertain America’s voters. EDUCATION NEWS: Arizona has become known as a national leader in school choice with open enrollment and providing charter schools as an alternative to the public school system. As a result, Arizona is now ahead of Mississippi in student performance. SCIENCE NEWS: There is a theory which…

Rising Gas Prices

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members take a look at rising gas prices. Congress recently denied a bill to take some of the tax breaks away from the rich oil companies. It makes one wish that any federal legislator, including those from the Executive Branch, be exempt from voting on any bill that would benefit Americans at the detriment of any company or product in which they have invested. In fact, in order to be elected for more than one term, every politician would have to release their holdings in all private companies, making them an ordinary citizen not influenced by corporate…

Constellations

Oct 28, 2019

I love to lie upon the ground And watch the night-time sky, And pick out constellations that I make up, on the sly. The big one there with all the stars? The one that’s flaming hot? That’s Hillary’s Ambition, and The easiest to spot! There’s Michael Moore’s Agenda, and The Pope with Foot in Mouth; There’s Edwards’ Hair, Pelosi’s Glare, And, John McCain Gone South. There’s Cheney’s Ego, rising, and Obama, Raising Dough, Mitt Romney’s Chances, setting, and There’s Rumsfeld, Eating Crow. And, look! The one that grew so bright? So certain? Without doubt? George Bush’s So Called Legacy! (It…

The Latest in Senior Transportation

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members look at the latest in senior transportation. Embarrassed by having to wear adult diapers when traveling, the new Commodule allows seniors on the go to go whenever they have the urge. A club of former bikers and Commodule owners, Potty Pagans, has formed in Camp Verde. Related posts: Yes, I’m a Senior Citizen Senior Household Hints

Dreams

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “I’ll do my dreaming with my eyes wide open, and I’ll do my looking back with my eyes closed.” — Tony Arata “Initially I wanted to be Muhammad Ali. But then I got into a fight and I got my butt kicked, so I figured I could choose something else.” — Babyface “Dream as if you’ll live forever….

Financial Struggle

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members take a look at the continuing financial struggle Americans are facing. One clever out-of-work, member of the 99% of Americans was unable to join in any Occupy movements, but chose another way to make a statement. The owner of this mailbox set found that the only way to survive in today’s economy was to stop receiving bills, not stop trying to pay them, just stop receiving them. Perhaps it was also a totem symbol revealing the fact that mortgage bills skyrocketed and paying them was out of reach. These home owners have chosen to “Occupy” their…

Flustered

Oct 28, 2019

BONE HEADED CRIME NEWS: A suspect entered a Chase Bank branch in New Hudson, MI wearing a hooded sweat shirt, sunglasses and winter gloves. He handed the teller a small piece of cardboard that read, “Give me your money.” When the teller asked him where his bag was, he got flustered and left without the cash. TYPICAL GOVERNMENT NEWS: Surf City, N.J. – The Army Corps of Engineers, which accidentally dumped sand filled with old military ordnance on Surf City’s beach, now wants the town to help pay to remove it. Some suggested detonating the munitions, believing it may improve…

Note from Santa

Oct 28, 2019

I’m sitting, watching shoppers with Their yuletide kids in tow, And thinking of a Christmas Eve Some 30 years ago. A simple one-room cabin on A deep Montana lake, A wild goose in the oven, and Snow drifting, flake by flake. Before the evening ended, we Left cookies for Saint Nick, And snuggled down together with A stove-warmed bedtime brick. We crawled out Christmas morning to The wood fire’s flickering light, And stared, astonished, at the gift That Santa left last night. For scrawled in charcoal on the wall, These blackened words, forsooth: “Believe in The Impossible, For there, you’ll…

On Humor

Oct 28, 2019

(curmuj”un), n. origin unknown 1. crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone who points out facts in an engaging manner. “All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.” — Aristotle “Total absence of humor renders life impossible.” — Colette “Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law” — Dick Clark “A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things…

On Politics

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj”un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Sir, I would rather be right than be President.” — Henry Clay “Washing one’s hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral.” — Paulo Freire “Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.” — John…

More on Politics

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj”un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” — Mark Twain “We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.” — Winston Churchill “A government which robs…

Aging and Death

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj”un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.” — George Burns “So my choice is ‘or death.’” — Eddie Izzard “I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would…

Commentary

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.” — Groucho Marx “She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech.” — George Bernard Shaw “The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it’s their fault.” — Henry Kissinger “Camping is nature’s…

Virtue vs. Decadence

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity, by definition, is unassailable.” — James Baldwin “Every man knows his follies and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.” — Josh Billings “The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy…

Stealing Not Done by Clown

Oct 28, 2019

CRIME WAVE NEWS: Ronald MacDonald, an employee at a Manchester, N. H. Wendy’s Restaurant has been charged with stealing money from a safe. The 22-year-old MacDonald was detained at the store until police arrived after the crime was witnessed and reported by the manager. The sad part is the local paper felt it necessary to say he wasn’t related to Ronald McDonald, the clown. INDIANA INTELLIGENT DESIGN NEWS: Indiana Police were trying to determine the origin of a runaway ostrich that led officers on chase through neighborhood streets and yards. The bird eluded officers in St. John for about two…

Love

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.” — David Bissonette “Love is foolish…but I still might try it sometime.” — Floyd, Age 9 “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” — Henny Youngman “Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love…

Hold Up!

Oct 28, 2019

CRIME NEWS: A robber who used a rusty pitchfork to stick up a South Carolina bank got away– and so far, finding him has been like looking for a needle in a haystack. The man, wearing sunglasses and a mask, entered Security Federal Bank and threatened employees with the 4-foot-long rusty pitchfork. The man took an undisclosed amount of money. The robber dropped the farm tool as the man got into a white van driven by a woman. No customers were in the bank during the holdup, and no one was injured. Locals are calling the event the American Gothic…

Getting Older

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “In the old days, it was not called ‘the Holiday Season’; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’”…

Alternatives

Oct 28, 2019

BUSINESS NEWS: The value of Taser Company stock has been lost because of increasingly negative news coverage of the Taser gun, which uses 50,000 volts to stun its victims. There has been a heavy focus on incidents where suspects died after the gun was used on them. Taser contracted pathologist, Dr. Cyril Wecht, to review the cases and issue an independent opinion that other factors, such as drugs, caused the 40 so-called in-custody Taser-caused deaths. ALTERNATIVE REMEDIES NEWS: A new Excentric survey of adult Americans found that 36% of us use some kind of alternative or complementary therapy. The number…

Astrology for the Weak

Horoscopes for November 4-10, 2012

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) All signs point toward November being a very good month for you. Everything will go exactly as you planned–love, money, job. Then the relatives arrive… AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Stars forecast that someone might have a hidden agenda that doesn’t mesh all that well with what you want. As long as it stays hidden, hey, what do you care? PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Don’t overreact. It’s best to feel your immediate emotional reaction. Breathe. Feel it. Feel it some more. When you feel you’ve finally got the feeling…never mind. ARIES…

Horoscopes for October 28-November 3, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will search high and low, far and wide, to join the little car driving Shriners after your mate tells you you’re never gonna do it without your fez on. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This October, the Sun will be changing signs and moving out of your Fifth House of Pleasure. Anyone with five houses of pleasure is out of touch anyway. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This time of year, it’s an ideal moment for you to focus on your Inner Self. Actually, if you focused on your Outer Self it…

Horoscopes for October 21-27, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You show your lack of finances savvy this month, when a friend suggests you invest in stocks and you stock up on chicken, beef and vegetable broths. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will decide to cash in on a new health care system. Knowing that the wheels of government turn slowly, you will busily clear land for a political leech farm. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You’ll attend a wild Halloween party where everyone wears masks, costumes or disguises. At the midnight unveiling, you will realize you had the wrong address. CANCER…

Horoscopes for October 14-20, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will consider taking a trip to a distant state or foreign country, perhaps one associated with a great spiritual tradition. Or, just hang out in Sedona for a week. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Feeling that your co-workers are taking unfair advantage of you will start you thinking of going into business for yourself. Now, where to set up your cubicle. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Stress and job frustration will have you thinking about breaking free, walking out the door, and getting on the first plane somewhere else. One word: Galapagos….

Horoscopes for October 7-13, 2012

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Your karma bank account will be overdrawn. It’s time you made a deposit. If not, you may become a subject in the book, “When Your Karma Turns To Cacca.” AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You always count on “your guides” as you navigate through life. This month, you’ll discover that their compasses are busted and you are, like, totally lost. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) There are a lot of facts and figures simmering in your head, which could explain why you misplaced your keys, but not why you forgot to get…

Horoscopes for September 30-October 6, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will explain that the reason you are addicted to alcohol and sex is that you sought to cure your Restless Leg Syndrome. Oh yeah, it’s also why you wet the bed. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month finds you feeling confident and secure. The armored Hummer, mace, nunchaku, switchblade and AK-47 can’t protect you from those nasty nightmares. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will find yourself thinking about climate change. What concerns you most is what possible effect it will have on your wardrobe. Shop ’til you drop, Gemini. CANCER…

Horoscopes for September 23-29, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) The good life and all that is fine and luxurious may be what you value just now. Unfortunately, the low life and all that is cheap and tawdry is all you can afford. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will have opportunities to add your own personal touch to the work you do. Not everyone will be impressed by your chewed gum glue jobs. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) There could be some tension or sense of opposition requiring compromise or negotiation on your part. Wearing you underwear inside your pants is a…

Horoscopes for September 16-22, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will be invited to a Paint Ball tournament among a group of your coworkers. You will sadly miss the event, spending too much time rolling the paint balls. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) High spirits will be in motion as the Moon in Gemini conjuncts Mars in your sector of self-expression. Expression has more to do with high spirits than the Moon. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, the Moon in mellow Taurus sextiles your ruling planet Venus in domestic Cancer. I have no idea what this means, but some Geminis…