Excentric World staff members look at the strong showing of patriotism in the United States during the celebration of Independence Day. Every year since declaring its independence from England in 1776, citizens and occupants of the U.S. gather en masse to cheer at fireworks displays, barbecue with friends and neighbors, and pontificate of our triumph over tyranny while sporting beer toting hard hats loaded with cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and convenient straws (the ultimate Father’s Day gift). Judging by the broad smile on his face, this Yankee doodle dandy is truly reveling in the spirit of freedom and the…

July 1 is . . . Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow Day July 2 is . . . Visitation of The Virgin Mary Day July 3 is . . . Stay Out of The Sun Day & Compliment Your Mirror Day July 4 is . . . Country Music Day & Tom Sawyer Fence-Painting Day July 5 is . . . Workaholics Day July 6 is . . . National Fried Chicken Day July 7 is . . . National Strawberry Sundae Day July 8 is . . . Video Games Day July 9 is ….

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I never thought my barber would Destroy more than my hair. But, yesterday, he shaved my neck And drove me to despair! “What’s this?” he said. “Why, you’ve expired!” I said, “What do you mean?” He touched my neck, “It’s right back here– That place you’ve never seen. “We all have sell-by dates,” he said, “Tattooed behind our ears. We never, ever see them but For glimpses caught in mirrors. “And, then, of course, they’re backwards and Impossible to read, And, so, the implications are Impossible to heed.” It truly is ironic that I’d be the…

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Today’s beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.” — Dave Barry “To say that obesity is caused by merely consuming too many calories is like saying that the only cause of the American Revolution was the Boston Tea Party.” — Adelle Davis “The hardest exercise…

Keep those wheels of commerce turning; Keep those suckers greased. Keep those time share condos churning; Keep those suckers leased. Keep your looks your highest passion; Keep on buying shoes. Keep your children high on fashion; Keep ignoring clues. Keep five-dollar coffee pumping; Keep refining taste. Keep those plastic bottles dumping; Keep refueling waste. Keep those Hummers gassed and guzzled; Keep those engines hot. Keep your horse sense tightly muzzled; Keep the past un-taught. Keep The Truth from dimly blinking; Keep all wisdom gone. Keep America from thinking. Keep on keeping on. Related posts: 4-D Printers Disapproval New Year’s Vow…

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired…

Excentric World looks at how people are attempting to save money by engaging in do-it-yourself projects. Popular television programs offer step-by-step instructions for the novice on everything from plumbing to gardening, from electrical wiring to painting. There is a show based on almost every aspect of home improvement. This picture reminded one of our staff of an occasion when his mother was trying to convince his father to put oak paneling on the walls of their living room to add ambience to her Early American motif. He refused for weeks at every request. Finally, she took matters into her own…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvyBpsQ3dyE It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone “to relax,” I told myself; but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and…

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: PARENTHOOD “Don’t try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.” –Russell Baker “The best brought-up children are those who have seen their parents as they are. Hypocrisy is not the parents’ first duty.” –George Bernard Shaw “To become a father is not hard, to be a father is,…

THANKS A BUNCH to my friends, for sending me spam emails over the years: I stopped drinking Coca Cola: after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies: for fear of sitting on an infected needle. I smell like a dog: since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer. I also stopped answering the phone: for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo. I stopped consuming several foods: for fear that the…

She’s given up on husbands, and She’s taken up with dogs. “Dogs shed,” she said, “and host some fleas, And, sometimes, eat my clogs, “But, all of life’s a trade-off, and In weighing tit for tat, It’s clear to me that husbands lose! That dogs are where its at! “Dogs never stop me asking for Directions when I’m lost, Or, when I have a headache, pout, Like they’ve been double-crossed; “Dogs never raise their eyebrows when My Visa bills come in, Or, go into a tizzy, like It’s some kind of a sin When Brian, my old boyfriend, calls Who’s…

Excentric World staff members look at new automobile recalls. On the heels of the massive recalls by Toyota to replace or repair sticking accelerators and failing brakes, Crapper Coupes has recalled its number two seller due to the gas tank handle having to be jiggled to prevent waste.     Related posts: Bogus Automobile Insurance Claims Why You Should Vote . . . Dirty Children Make Healthy Adults? Safety on America’s Highways

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: FATHERING “There is too much fathering going on just now and there is no doubt about it, fathers are depressing.” –Gertrude Stein “The fundamental defect of fathers, in our competitive society, is that they want their children to be a credit to them.” –Bertrand Russell “Rich men’s sons are seldom rich men’s fathers.” –Herbert…

Sedona Excentric World staff members look at the current state of America’s economy and how some people are adjusting to make ends meet. Hauling a rider mower around on his compact car, this Cornville man hits the road running every weekend, shouting at hecklers, “Fescue, go compost yourself.”   Related posts: Safety on America’s Highways Why You Should Vote . . . Financial Struggle An Editorial from Excentric World

Inside the News DYSFUNCTIONAL POLITICS NEWS: Three members of a Michigan city council have abstained from voting on a measure that would have prevented them from abstaining on future votes. Two council members voted yes, and two voted no. With the three abstaining from voting on abstaining, the motion failed. This is what happens when the public abstains from voting. We get the best politicians money can buy. GOT YOUR GOAT NEWS: A goat, possibly headed to slaughter, made a daring escape into traffic on a busy highway in New Jersey. The animal managed to evade Jersey City police officers…

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, “My dad can beat up your dad.” I’d say, “Yeah? When?” — Bill Hicks “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” — Bill Cosby “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand…

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June.  However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor, hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,  then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children, last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually…

THE KING-SIGHTED-AGAIN NEWS: Rock collector LaDell Alexander, 60, of Estes Park, CO, has found a stone she swears has the face of Elvis Presley on it. You don’t have to think Elvis is everywhere to see it: A pattern on the rock resembles a human head with dark hair and the king of rock’s trademark muttonchop sideburns. Of course, it resembled him during his heavy, drug influenced days, lowering its potential value on eBay. LAW & ORDER NEWS: Love blossomed in a trial last year between alternate juror No. 3 and juror No. 6. The two made goo-goo eyes on…

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed til nearly 6am but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothin’. Got to shave but…

Dear Sister, We had a few nice middle-aged ladies round t’other evening for absolutely no reason at all, which I am sure is the very best way for a party to get going, nine of them, and I saw, with a certain amount of pleasure, that they were all wearing earrings. I identified emeralds, rubies, zircon, one imitation diamond, and two ladies with sapphires, which is a stone I hate to write about because of that stupid and unpronounceable extra “p” stuck in there for no sensible reason whatsoever. But I was pleased to see one Tanzanite among them, a…

June 1 is . . . Dare Day June 2 is . . . National Rocky Road Day June 3 is . . . Repeat Day June 4 is . . . Old Maid’s Day June 5 is . . . Festival Of Popular Delusions Day June 6 is . . . Teacher’s Day and National Applesauce Cake Day June 7 is . . . National Chocolate Ice Cream Day June 8 is . . . Name Your Poison Day June 9 is . . . Donald Duck Day June 10 is . . . National Yo-Yo Day June 11…

Excentric World looks at some ways Americans are trying to collect on bogus automobile insurance claims to get out from under tough lease agreements. This driver had been following the portable potty carrier after spotting him from her business parking lot. She had known about the overpass and figured one or both of the potties would come tumbling down on her BMW convertible, damaging the hood and engine so severely that it would make her lease contract null and void. The photographer was laughing so hard, the follow-up shot was missed and he split after police arrived to avoid the…

GUINNESS AGE NEWS: The world’s oldest living person, Japan’s Jiroemon Kimura, celebrated his 116th birthday in April with congratulations from around the world and from Japan’s prime minister. Also living in Japan is the world’s oldest woman at 115 years of age. When asked how he was feeling, Mr. Kimura said repeatedly, “nanigoto?” or “What?” GONE TO THE DOGS NEWS: A new television series is scheduled to air on Nat GEO about devoted pet owners who go above and beyond spoiling their pets. It will feature doggies who no only wear one-of-a-kind sweaters, but have their own psychics. You may…

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I’ve noticed, public radio’s Stopped begging for my car, Regardless of it runs or not Or if it’s plagued with tar! Apparently, they’ve changed their minds: They want my wife, instead! And, if I hesitate or balk, Then NPR is dead! Their pitch is quite familiar as The radio explained: They’ll tow her off regardless of The hundred pounds she’s gained, While celebrating loudly that At last, she will be free, Will earn a super tax break and, To boot, be rid of me! I have but one condition to Impose to grease the skids: They…

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 , but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate   Dear Desperate, First, keep…