June 28, 2017

  • Americans with No Abilities Act Passes

    WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Congress quietly approved sweeping legislation which provides new benefits for millions of Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), expected to be signed into law by the president shortly after inauguration, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the hordes of Americans who lack any real working skills or ambition. “Roughly 25 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said an unidentified congressman and longtime AWNAA supporter. “This is why many of them vote for me term after…

  • Hot Videos This Week

    How Animals Eat Their Food… Over 44 million views. See if you can keep a straight face. Vaseline High Five… Slimy prank of the week. Bubba’s Hover Golf Cart… Taking golf carts to a whole new level. Russian Cat and Vaccuum Cleaner… Strange, but cute, cat behavior.   Stars Wars Retold by Someone Who Hasn’t Seen It… A retelling of the Star Wars Trilogy like you’ve never heard it before. [fwvvw id=2809991] Then hit the Back button to return and let us know which video was your favorite.   Related posts: A Week at the Gym

  • Decorating Differences Between the Sexes

    If ever there was an area in which guys and girls are different, it’s decorating! Women were born to decorate room after room after room in their houses and to talk about it incessantly with their girlfriends. Guys were born to pay for all the decorating the women want to do and to keep their mouths shut about it or at most murmur an occasional, “Yes, dear.” This tradition has been in place since the creation of men and women. Way back in the days of the cave men, the wife would go out and find just the right shade…

  • The Bagpiper

    As a bagpiper, I play many different gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and, being a typical man, I didn’t bother to stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently left, as the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they…

  • Four by Four?

    Was I sleeping or out of town when they changed the definition of the term “4×4”? I first wondered about this when a few years ago I noticed an all-wheel drive, one-ton “dually” pick-up  with “4×4” painted on the flared rear fender that is so distinctive of the breed. At first I thought that I was mistaken or the owner had transplanted a fender from a different truck, but then I saw another one a few days later. Not long after that I noticed another manufacturer had it painted on the tailgate. Finally, the last of the three U.S. truck…

FEATURED WORLD EDITION

4-D Printers

May 12, 2016

by Doug Rabbit Sutherland ‘Ol Bernie Madoff would be proud! He really would!  It’s true! Because I’ve hatched a jail-proof scheme Who’s time is clearly due! We charlatans of noble stripe Have one stone in our sling: To stay one step ahead of folks Obsessed with “The Next Thing!” Now, 3-D printers, as you know, Have galvanized the world. So, what would be the next big thing That begs to be unfurled? Why, 4- printers!  Clear as day! And, I have them in stock! And, for a measly hundred grand You’ll be first on your block To copy things that…

Husbands & Wives

May 12, 2016

Continuing with the husbands understanding their wives theme, our super crack Excentric World investigators look at the odd ways in which men choose to communicate their feelings. While it is doubtful that the owner of this Volkswagen Golf is a man, as most men would leave this vehicle for their wives to drive while they zip around town in the coupe, it is certain some maladjusted male, with decent printing skills and a finger most likely wiped on the side of his pants, scrawled this message onto the back of this SUV. Choosing to express his innermost feelings about his…

Accessories for the Designated Driver

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members look at the effects of driving under the influence. The driver of this this vehicle reminds herself that drinking and driving don’t go together, except as an occasional accessory. More and more bar hoppers are appointing one of their own as a designated driver. This person enjoys not only watching their friends make blithering spectacles of themselves throughout the night, but is empowered to drop them off at their respective homes. Stories about letting them off at the wrong houses have made the designated driver the favorite of parties and bars. Who says staying sober can’t…

Stupidity

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “I wash my hands of those who imagine chattering to be knowledge, silence to be ignorance, and affection to be art.” — Kahlil Gibran “There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.” — Johann von Goethe “Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education.” — Bertrand Russell “The doorstep to the temple of…

You Are Only Old As You…

May 12, 2016

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” A woman was sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist. She noticed his DDS certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in her high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that she had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face…

Hygiene Hypothesis

May 12, 2016

CLEAN LIVING NEWS: Two studies, one published in the Scandinavian Journal of Immunology, have found that gritty rats and mice living in sewers and farms have healthier immune systems than those living in antiseptic laboratories. The lesson for humans is that clean living may make us sick. A theory called the hygiene hypothesis claims that people’s immune systems aren’t being challenged by disease and dirt early in life, possibly to blame for the soaring rates of allergy and asthma cases and some autoimmune diseases. COFFEE PROFIT NEWS: Starbucks has decided to shrink its shareholder perks. Every spring the company sends…

The Pros and Cons of Napping

May 12, 2016

HEALTH STUDY NEWS: In the largest study to date on the health effects of napping, researchers tracked 23,681 healthy Greek adults for an average of about six years. Those who napped at least three times weekly for about half an hour had a 37 percent lower risk of dying from heart attacks or other heart problems than those who did not nap. Of course, those found napping while driving ran a far greater risk of dying from an automobile accident. RECORD BREAKING NEWS: More than 6,000 couples kissed simultaneously at midnight one Saturday in the Philippines with organizers of the…

Say It Isn’t Sonny

May 12, 2016

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do–and he didn’t seem overly concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table these three objects: a new Bible, a pure silver dollar, and a bottle of Kentucky whiskey… “Now…

Gubernatorial Candidate

May 12, 2016

POLITICAL NEWS: In Minnesota, anyone who pays the $300 filing fee can get on the gubernatorial ballot. This year, Jonathon Sharkey, a blood-drinking satanic priest, who supports the impaling of terrorists, rapists, drug dealers and other criminals, and whose platform includes an emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers and better benefits for veterans has thrown his kamelaukion in the ring. SAFE SEX NEWS: A Tulua, Colombia councilman wants to require everyone in town 14 or older to carry a condom to prevent pregnancy and disease, outraging local priests. William Pena said he will present a proposal to force all…

Ignorance and Stupidity

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: IGNORANCE/STUPIDITY “People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.” Soren Kierkegaard “I’ll take crazy over stupid any day.” Joss Whedon “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” George Carlin “In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.” Napoleon Bonaparte “There is more stupidity…

Inequality Between The Sexes

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members take a look at the continual inequality between the sexes. Ladies Night continues to bring in the women who are let into nightclubs free of charge and offered drink specials at bars. Knowing that where the women are, men will follow, owners of drinking establishments continue to entice women with special rates not offered to men. Most men rarely complain about the unequal treatment because they realize that the greater number of women in attendance correspondingly increases their chances of getting lucky. The only women, besides Gloria Steinem styled feminists, who consider the bait bars and…

Disapproval

May 12, 2016

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland Congressional approval has Completely gone to hell! Just nine percent of people think That Congress doesn’t smell! Which means that the electorate Ranks cockroaches above Their view of legislators in The battle for their love! And, also ranking higher than That noble band of thieves Are root canals and traffic jams And colonoscopies! And, head lice beat the buggers, too! And, Genghis Khan and France! They also lost to butt cracks that Peek over low slung pants! But, still, that Gang’s more popular Than ticks or bleeding scabs, Mad Cow Disease and lobbyists, Ebola and meth…

Day Care Disciplinary Practices

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members take a look at questionable day care disciplinary practices. Parents have been complaining about the inordinate amount of duct tape adhesive having to be removed from their children’s clothing. This picture was taken by one of the other children using their new iPhone. The day care worker explained that the child taped to the wall was being given a “time-out.” Due to a shortage of personnel, and the Criss Angel-like ability to escape from the usual time-out, the child had to be taped to the wall. The employee said it made it easy to keep an…

Wal-Mart Wine

May 12, 2016

Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said, “The right name is important.” So, here goes: The top 12 suggested names for…

They Not Only Write To Santa Claus…

May 12, 2016

Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Billy Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet Dear God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told…

Cyanide Cloud

May 12, 2016

MENTAL ENVIRONMENT NEWS: Authorities arrested a woman who told people at gas stations and hotels in the Village of Oak Creek, near Sedona, AZ, that they needed to evacuate because a cloud of cyanide gas was approaching from Phoenix. There was no cyanide cloud, and 55-year-old Christine Ann Long of Scottsdale was arrested on charges of disorderly and unreasonable noise. The only cloud turned out to be the fog in the woman’s mind. SUCKING NEWS: A 70-year-old man was charged with grand theft after police watched him siphon off more than 900 gallons of gasoline from underground storage tanks at…

Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO

May 12, 2016

1. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters. 2. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “Turn left when you enter the trailer park.” 3. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. 4. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter. 5. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “an apple a day.” 6. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 7. Patient responsible for “200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo. 8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 9. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different…

Today’s Woman on Aging

May 12, 2016

When we age, the growth of hair on our legs slows down. Of course, now we have to take care of our newly acquired mustaches. When we age, we no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. When we age and we stand naked in front of a mirror, we can see our rear without turning around. When we age and go for a mammogram, we realize that this is the only time someone will ask us to appear topless. When we age, we want to tell all those lovely young things in tube tops to enjoy because the…

Chapter Titles from “The First Truly Useful Golf Book”

May 12, 2016

1. How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt 2. How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off the Tee 3. How to Get More Distance Off the Shank 4. Crying and How to Handle It 5. How to Rationalize a 6-hour Round 6. How to Find That Ball that Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water 7. Why Your Wife Doesn’t Care That You Birdied the 5th 8. How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome without Getting Embarrassed 9. How to Relax When You Are Hitting 5 off the Tee 10….

Good Ol’ American Ingenuity

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members look at good ol’ American ingenuity. Many people facing economic hardships are stretching not only their hard earned dollars, but their imaginations as well. While some traded steak for hamburger, others searched their homes for repair items. This homeowner has taken what at first seems to be an ordinary glass jar that once probably held a warehouse store’s super family size pepperoncini and converted it to a handy and decorative mailbox. Held in place using duct tape, one of the life’s staples, the clear receptacle is the perfect vessel for the Publisher’s Clearinghouse winning envelope.  …

Virtue

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.” — Woody Allen “Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present.” — Roger Babson “Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity, by…

Recalculate

May 12, 2016

It’s true: one billion people are On Facebook day and night! Mark Zuckerberg keeps telling us His math is true and right. Now, I don’t doubt his numbers but I think I smell a rat. “There are,” my grandpa wisely said, “Two ways to skin a cat.” I think he meant the starting point Could be the nose and ears, Or, you could turn the cat around And start from his arrears! So, turning Facebook head to tail And counting from behind Illuminates the calculus With something new to find. It’s true! One billion people are On Facebook ’round the…

Journalism . . .

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: JOURNALISM “The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands.” –Oscar Wilde “We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.” –Dave Barry “I…

Hairline Cracked

May 12, 2016

North Korea appeared to have conducted its third underground nuclear bomb test, as the U.S. Geological Survey reported a seismic disturbance centered near the site of the secretive regime’s two previous nuclear (pronounced “new-clear”) (not “nuke-ya-ler”) tests. The president of North Korea takes time out of his busy day of having people salute him and sing him songs of praise to show the state controlled press the very spot where the blast could be felt. North Korea, not well known in the world of sports for its number of pro basketball players (namely none), showed very little concern that the…

Countersuit

May 12, 2016

TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS NEWS: Roy L. Pearson Jr. wanted to dress sharply for his new job as an administrative law judge in Washington, D.C. So when his neighborhood dry cleaner misplaced a pair of expensive pants he had planned to wear his first week on the bench, Judge Pearson sued the owners for 67.3 million dollars. Fortunately, he lost. Let’s hope he loses his shirt in a countersuit. DRUGS & KIDS NEWS: Investigators in Gulfport, Florida arrested a 14-year-old boy who apparently dialed a really, really wrong number. Authorities said the boy offered to sell drugs to the person…

Astrology for the Weak

Xtra Special Horoscopes for April 21-28, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, you are able to do a million things at once. While that truly is a very rare skill, indeed, there is no indication you will perform any of these tasks well. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are fun. You are bright. You are fun and bright. You are quick. You are enthusiastic. You are quick and enthusiastic. You are confused. You are Aquarius. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This is a good time to figure out who you are by putting yourself in new situations and see how you…

Horoscopes for April 14-20, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April showers bring May flowers, but in your case April will also bring long mental lapses, during which things will occur that you can deny any memory of. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This is a good time to show everyone how to celebrate Easter. Place the eggs in plain sight to avoid children on spring break picking up any bunny droppings. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month you will decide to change careers. Of course, some may not consider volunteering to walk the Humane Society of Sedona dogs a career. CANCER…

Horoscopes for April 7-13, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will have unwanted guests this month that just refuse to go away. Only as an absolute last resort should you secretly rub them down with Preparation H. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This would be a good month to pursue your musical dreams. After guitar, drums, keyboards and sax, you’ll find your hidden talent for mastering the concertina. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Out with the old and in with the new. That will be your mantra this month as all of your old friends leave you in the lurch for trying…

Horoscopes for March 31-April 6, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you will consider voluntarily seeking professional mental therapy. After some serious thought, an invisible giant rabbit convinces you otherwise. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll have a bad time with friends and relatives after getting a fortune cookie that you thought said “you’re rude today” and you mistreat everyone for 24 hours. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will need to avoid the sun, especially with this global climate change thing. You will overhear some people talking as you walk by, calling you an old raisin. CANCER (June 21 – July…

Horoscopes for March 17-23, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A revelation about energy will come to you this month after you keep pressing harder and harder on the remote control when the batteries are getting weak. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll buy a new pair of jeans and tennis shoes to go bungee jumping. Later you’ll discover that was like Kamikaze pilots wearing helmets before their big day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a sudden urge to drive to Surprise, Arizona this month. Once you arrive, you’ll find there is absolutely nothing there to do. Surprise! CANCER (June…

Horoscopes for March 10-16, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) March is a good month for you to buy binoculars and join the Audubon Society. It will also be a good month to invest in some new headgear and lens cleaner. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Pay attention to your surroundings this month and learn more about yourself. If small animals are scattering when you pass, your cologne may be a bit strong. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month you will get yourself out of a jam and find you are well preserved. It’s dealing with jelly that will cause you serious…

Horoscopes for March 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You won’t be able to shake the phrase “Don’t put that in your moth, you don’t know where it’s been.” You will be diagnosed with a new, rare form of anorexia. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You won’t be able to sleep, fearing the Ides of March. Because of your insomnia, you’ll screw up at work and lose your job, oh, right around the 15th or so. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will meet a person this month that gives you a strong feeling of deja vu. It will turn out that…

Horoscopes for February 24-March 1, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, you’ll discover you may be too structured and rigid to let go and find pleasure in romance. Try some good Tequila, chocolate and a Barry White CD. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You may experience tension with family members, particularly a parent. In hind sight, perhaps moving back home at age 40 wasn’t such a good idea after all. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) In February, you can expect to feel confidence, optimism, and an increase in energy and vitality. It’s okay, it will all go away soon and life…