May 12, 2021

  • First Family To Go To Moon Soon … by Blodwyn Smythe

    With just days before Halloween, a month before Thanksgiving, yet still another month to go before revelers get to shout, “Merry Christmas,” becuase Americans know that wishing people “Happy Holidays” or “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” is totally unacceptable in the new Trumpian World, formerly the United States of America, scuttlebut is leaking from the White House that the Trumps are planning an extended vacation out of this world – the likes of which no one has ever witnessed. Someone was even rumored to have been concked on the head for writing, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on…

  • The Sunday Paper

    Ahhhh, Sunday. The day of rest. The day of relaxation. The day of exhaustion. From the newspaper. Let’s hear it for the Sunday paper. An institution that’s as American as apple pie and baseball. Sunday just wouldn’t be Sunday without a hearty breakfast and the Sunday paper. It offers stimulation for the mind, delight for the eyes, tantalizing recipes for the home cook and aerobic exercise for the lucky family member whose job it is to go out to the street to retrieve it. In our house that’s me. All efforts to get my wife or my cat, Buckshot, to…

  • The Beer That Conquered the World

    What image comes to your mind when I say beer? Is it the dark, inky, black body and creamy white head of Guinness? Is it the cloudy, opaque appearance and creamsicle hue of a hefeweizen? Most likely it’s a beer with a light straw color and bright clarity similar to a Pilsner, as roughly 9 out of every 10 beers brewed and consumed in the world is an imitation of this Czech standard. How did this beer come into being and make its way around the globe to be imitated by brewers worldwide? Let’s go to the town of Plzen and…

  • Which Witch Will Twitch?

    An Excentric World undercover reporter was recently dispatched to infiltrate the committee responsible for privatization of National Parks. To maintain his cover, photos had to be taken at night. Most park facilities include a visitors center, classrooms, theaters, gift shops, picnic tables, developed trails, restrooms and group areas with ramadas and facilities, some used for weddings. When revenue data was plugged in from the parks that included concessions, the computer hard drive fried. Danger, Will Robinson. by Blodwyn Smythe, Sedona’s Virtual Reporter SEDONA, AZ: Not too long ago, the Romanian government passed a witch tax. The tax levies a duty…

  • The Issue of Sending Holiday Cards

    The issue of sending holiday cards has always presented a dilemma. Each year you have to decide whether or not to send a card to so-and-so because the cards have become more expensive, postage rates have gone up, and the list of potential recipients has grown exponentially. No matter how many cards (or letters) you send, you always forget somebody or you receive a card from someone you took off your list. It never fails, as you are walking back from the mailbox looking at return addresses, that you realize, “I never sent them a card.” And have you noticed…

FEATURED WORLD EDITION

More Thoughts To Ponder–Or Not!

Oct 28, 2019

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at…

Laws of the Universe

Oct 28, 2019

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: Dial a wrong number; you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If…

Long Live Snail Mail

Oct 28, 2019

If you receive an email on your computer entitled “Bedtimes” then delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It re-programs your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank….

Slam Dunk

Oct 28, 2019

DOUBLE DUH NEWS: Harvey Miller, 43, a paraplegic, and Edwin Marzinske, 55, both from Wisconsin, were recently charged with drunken driving the same vehicle simultaneously. They were clocked doing 35 mph in a 55 zone. Miller, working the steering blew 0.16 and Marzinske, working the gas and brakes, blew 0.09. They were planning to defend themselves. Perhaps Miller will open and close and Marzinske will cross examine. A slam dunk. UNDERCOVER PLANT NEWS: Two of Maine’s brightest, Travis Child and Jeremy Belskis, both 20, were arrested after they’d seen a pickup with marijuana plants in the back being used by…

New Living Will!

Oct 28, 2019

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______A Bloody Mary ______A Margarita ______A Scotch and Soda ______A Martini ______A Vodka and Tonic ______A Steak ______Lobster or Crab Legs ______The Remote Control ______A Bowl of Ice Cream ______The Sports…

Efforts to Save on Rising Fuel Costs

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members take a look at Americans’ efforts to save on rising fuel costs. This motorist is a prime example of why you may not want to trade in that gas guzzling truck for a fuel saving compact. While the forklift operator argued that the vehicle could not withstand the weight of the load the homeowner ordered, the driver insisted his car had no problem carrying his order home. Judging by the photograph, the driver misjudged his car’s hauling capabilities by just a bit. The forklift driver, who snapped this picture, said the car’s axle had broken and…

Shadows on a Cave Wall

Oct 28, 2019

Sitting in a semi-lotus position on hard stones, Plato watched flickering shadows cavort on the cave wall. He had the bemused look of someone who was confident the shadows weren’t real in any meaningful sense. They were there for a moment’s fleeting entertainment, pale imitations of essences he was sure existed. Plato chuckled at the foolishness of people who spent time–often an entire life–measuring, dissecting and building with the puny tools of reason foisted on them by Aristotle and his ilk. They took appearances made of shadow matter–so much fairy dust–entirely too seriously. Thinking about the meaning of the ideal and the real and…

28 Thoughts to Ponder–Or Not!

Oct 28, 2019

1. My husband and I divorced over religion. He thought he was God and I didn’t. 2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me! 4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. 7. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane…

Ask Kids about Parents

Oct 28, 2019

Why did your Mom marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on. Who’s the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to cuz dad’s such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than…

Words Women Use

Oct 28, 2019

“FINE.” This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. “FIVE MINUTES.” If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the ball game before helping around the house. “NOTHING.” This is the calm before the storm. This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “Nothing” usually end in “Fine.” “GO AHEAD!” This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it! <LOUD SIGH> This is not actually…

Differences Between Men and Women

Oct 28, 2019

NAMES: If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the gals get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A…

Headlines from Other Papers

Oct 28, 2019

“Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-pound Ball on His Head” “Bridges Help People Cross Rivers” “City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells” “Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances” “Meeting on Open Meetings Is Closed” “Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney” “Puerto Rican Teen Named Mistress of the Universe” “County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds” “An Australian Army Vehicle Has Gone Missing After Being Painted with Camouflage” “Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum” “Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons” “Statistics Show that Teen Pregnancy drops Off Significantly After Age 25” “Meat Head Resigns” “Barbershop Singers Bring…

Riverdale Renewal

Oct 28, 2019

I wonder, have you noticed that The Archie Comics crew Has been revised and modernized, And has emerged, anew? Sweet Betty Cooper—girl-next-door— Is looking like a tramp! Her jeans hang down below her hips; Her shirt is tight and damp; Her pony-tail is history; The girl has shaved her head; She looks a lot like Brittany And spends her days in bed! Veronica, in prison pants, Is angry, wan, and pale! She looks like Paris Hilton and She spends her nights in jail! But, kids, this is America! Don’t whine, complain or crab! Don’t be depressed! Instead, invest In Riverdale…

Economical Ways of Going Green

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members look at economical ways of going green in a climate change future. A new program aimed at retrofitting older vehicles rolling on America’s streets starts with a white paint job and includes gas saving innovations such as wind sails. Unfortunately, it appears in this picture, the driver is going in reverse. Maybe we should include that disclaimer thing that says “Do not attempt this at home.” Jeez, we certainly hope the driver employs good reverse maneuvering skills. Lots of people can’t even back out of a driveway successfully.     Related posts: Accessories for the Designated…

Baseball

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “After being traded and retraded by the Red Sox to the White Sox and back, I find that every five years a man has to change his Sox.” — Steve Lyons “Baseball is a game which consists of tapping a ball with a piece of wood, then running like a lunatic.” — H. J. Dutiel “Baseball is the…

Ford Versus Windows . . .

Oct 28, 2019

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…twice a day. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would…

Dead Horse Theory

Oct 28, 2019

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.” However, in government, education and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse. 4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses. 5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 6….

For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

Oct 28, 2019

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner. 10. When…

Observing Sleep

Oct 28, 2019

At a relatively young age, say 20 something, I watched several minutes of Andy Warhol’s five-hour film “Sleep,” showing only a nude man sleeping through the night. There were no explosions, no trysts, just frame after frame of a nude man sleeping. Although critics determined to catch the avant garde wave insisted on making a fuss over this contribution to Warhol’s self-made mythology, I found myself bored and walked out of the theater. And later, when friends asked what I thought about “Sleep,” I just couldn’t bring myself to engage in a serious discussion of the film’s purported outrageousness, its capacity to irritate or the…

A Barbie Women Can Relate To

Oct 28, 2019

Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and her face turns beet red with drops of perspiration appearing on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tissues. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. Flabby Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in…

Effects of Alcohol Binging

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members look at the effects of alcohol binging on college campuses across the country. Halloween, a known time for excessive spirits and chocolates, has sounded alarms that, in spite of fewer dollars to spend at school, there seems to be a few bucks for booze.       Related posts: Benign Torture of Loved Ones Effects of Steroids Reaction to Selective Shopping The Italian Pasta Diet

We Don’t Serve Miners!

Oct 28, 2019

Prior to the discovery of gold in California, a castaway Christian congregation, led by a Mr. Brigham Young, set up shop at most of Utah’s good watering holes. Mr. Young’s followers were farmers. They did not drink, at least not in the vernacular sense of the word. However, after the 1849 discovery of gold in California, waves of fortune hunters started showing up at the Utah watering holes. These fortune hunters were miners. In the vernacular sense of the word, they were drinkers, much like Jim and I. The farmers had adopted a no-drinking policy, and since the farmers were there first, they got to…

Dirty Children Make Healthy Adults?

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members take a look at why some children are more prone to diseases and infections than others. While not recommended by doctors, recent studies have shown that adults who, as children, played in creeks, ate dirt, licked their wounds and lied about washing their hands were less likely to fall ill to the common cold and were able to ward off the flu and infections. The small child pictured may look forward to a healthy adulthood, taking tolerance building to a whole new level. Licking the snout of a pig may seem gross and disgusting at first,…

On Board Computers

Oct 28, 2019

I witnessed on my plasma screen A brand new toothbrush ad! An ordinary brush except for What this toothbrush had: An actual computer in The handle! “Oh what fun!” To tell the owner of the brush Just when the teeth were done! “On-board computer,” said the voice! A phrase I’ve grown to hate, But, still, my hungry rabbit-brain Snapped quickly at the bait. On-board computers in your comb? To keep your fur arranged? On-board computers in your socks? To keep your feet estranged? On-board computers in your belt? To keep away the fat? And how about in condoms? No! I’ll…

Quotes from Sports Guys

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “It’s about 90% strength and 40% technique.” — Johnny Walker “If I wasn’t talking, I wouldn’t know what to say.” — Chico Resch “We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.” — Barry Beck “The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.” — Dizzy Dean “He fakes a bluff.” — Ron Fairly “It could permanently…

Astrology for the Weak

Horoscopes for December 2-8, 2012

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You’re an activator, an instigator, maybe even an agitator trying to convince a certain someone that your way’s the best way. Unfortunately, they’re not buying it. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’re hoping to celebrate as you work to expand your mind. Sadly, your waistline is expanding at a more rapid rate, holding your mind hostage on the couch. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your hopes and desires come into play this December — and the stars favor a risk. Stand under the mistletoe at work until someone comes along who will…

Horoscopes for November 25-December 1, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, take into account what’s going on in your partner’s life, and don’t get too mad. Try to think about how you’d react if you had to put up with you. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Your life will become so fast-paced that you pass by opportunities never noticing that they were even there. Funny, usually it’s opportunities passing you by. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Later this month, after days of working like crazy, you’ll be the happy recipient of some wonderful attention from the person you love most in the…

Horoscopes for November 18-24, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Getting your way will come easier this month. Asking people to comply by threatening to release your ferret up their pants leg seems to be getting the job done. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This November, you will need to see a doctor about a sudden case of hyperactivity. Later you will confess to eating all the candy you bought for trick-or-treaters. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This is the time of year when family gathers to celebrate and share good times. Unfortunately, your family all voted the other way and hate you…

Horoscopes for November 11-17, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will tell everyone the true meaning of life is; Mersey Dotes and Dosey Dotes and Little Lambs Eat Ivy or Awop Bop A Lu Bop Alop Bam Boom. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Still recovering from a number of Halloween parties, you will show up for work in a variety of horror costumes. Fortunately, no one will notice. Business as usual. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will worry about reaching rock bottom. It’s not the rock you need to be concerned with, it’s the nasty, gooey, stinky bottom where all the…

Horoscopes for November 4-10, 2012

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) All signs point toward November being a very good month for you. Everything will go exactly as you planned–love, money, job. Then the relatives arrive… AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Stars forecast that someone might have a hidden agenda that doesn’t mesh all that well with what you want. As long as it stays hidden, hey, what do you care? PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Don’t overreact. It’s best to feel your immediate emotional reaction. Breathe. Feel it. Feel it some more. When you feel you’ve finally got the feeling…never mind. ARIES…

Horoscopes for October 28-November 3, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will search high and low, far and wide, to join the little car driving Shriners after your mate tells you you’re never gonna do it without your fez on. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This October, the Sun will be changing signs and moving out of your Fifth House of Pleasure. Anyone with five houses of pleasure is out of touch anyway. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This time of year, it’s an ideal moment for you to focus on your Inner Self. Actually, if you focused on your Outer Self it…

Horoscopes for October 21-27, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You show your lack of finances savvy this month, when a friend suggests you invest in stocks and you stock up on chicken, beef and vegetable broths. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will decide to cash in on a new health care system. Knowing that the wheels of government turn slowly, you will busily clear land for a political leech farm. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You’ll attend a wild Halloween party where everyone wears masks, costumes or disguises. At the midnight unveiling, you will realize you had the wrong address. CANCER…

Horoscopes for October 14-20, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will consider taking a trip to a distant state or foreign country, perhaps one associated with a great spiritual tradition. Or, just hang out in Sedona for a week. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Feeling that your co-workers are taking unfair advantage of you will start you thinking of going into business for yourself. Now, where to set up your cubicle. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Stress and job frustration will have you thinking about breaking free, walking out the door, and getting on the first plane somewhere else. One word: Galapagos….