October 17, 2017

  • French Lingeaux!

    It has been said that the greatest accomplishment of the French people is their mastery of their own French language. This observation is attributed to a student studying for a final exam in – of all things – French class. There is no truth to the rumor that French is difficult to learn. The French language derives from Latin, which is the language spoken by Latinos. Therefore if you speak some English and want to learn French, you should hang around people from Mexico, Cuba and Puerto Rico. What could be simpler? For those of you who are unwilling or unable…

  • “I’ll Have ABC, and Hold the Oak”

    It seems like the only white wine that was available to consumers for some time was Chardonnay. The folks from Napa all gave us the same heavily wooded, buttery rich stuff, too. Personally, I can’t stand those wines. I know many winemakers that hate them with a passion as well. Even though Chardonnay is still the most popular white wine, and the big woody butter bombs still sell like mad, there’s been a growing movement by a group of people known as the ABC crowd (Anything But Chardonnay) to have more interesting white wines grace their tables. So, with summer temperatures…

  • Spare Parts

    “You need to come home early,” my wife told me over the phone. “The toilet’s not working.” “OK,” I said and hung up. ‘Not working’ is pretty vague, but I’m handy; I was confident that I would be able to cope. When I arrived home, I found that ‘not working’ meant the tank didn’t fill after it was flushed. I fiddled around with this and that, turned the water off and back on, simultaneously clanking a wrench against the side of the tank, so it would sound like I was really working. After a proper amount of diagnostic time, I…

  • The Glass Less Tasted

    A while back, I lamented about Chardonnay being the only white wine most people were familiar with, and that there is a group of people in the wine industry that referred to themselves as the “ABC (Anything But Chardonnay) crowd.” This also holds true for red wines, but is not quite as extreme. Americans rarely venture beyond Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot in their red preferences. Pinot Noir has seen some popularity since the movie Sideways a few years ago, and Zinfandel has always had a bit of cult following, being one of California’s signature grapes. Syrah (Shiraz) has also settled…

  • Storage Container Hell

    Ladies, I have a question. My wife has saved approximately 400 cottage cheese and margarine tubs and another 200 yogurt containers. The yogurt containers are the ones with the lids. Not the ones that are narrow at the top and wide at the bottom, making it nearly impossible to get the last little bit out. Should I be concerned? Supposedly, she has saved these to store leftovers in the refrigerator, and they do seem to be a handy size. However, when I open the refrigerator to get some margarine for my toast, I’m faced with searching through seven or eight…

FEATURED WORLD EDITION

Calling All Richards

May 12, 2016

The difficulties of this world Are big and bad and mean, And charged with such uncertainties To make solutions lean. But, if you would indulge, per chance, This simple minded cuss, There’s overwhelming evidence The problem is named, “Us.” There’s way too many of us all Including me and you And, barring wars and meteors, The answers are too few. There’s way too many Lindsays and There’s way too many Dawns, There’s way too many Trevors and There’s way too many Seans. There’s way too many Meagans And there’s way to many Ricks. There’s never enough Richards cuz There’s way…

Best Actual Headlines

May 12, 2016

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in…

A Week at the Gym

May 12, 2016

Dear Diary, For my 40th birthday, my dear wife purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. She encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6am….

Efforts to Save on Rising Fuel Costs

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members take a look at Americans’ efforts to save on rising fuel costs. This motorist is a prime example of why you may not want to trade in that gas guzzling truck for a fuel saving compact. While the forklift operator argued that the vehicle could not withstand the weight of the load the homeowner ordered, the driver insisted his car had no problem carrying his order home. Judging by the photograph, the driver misjudged his car’s hauling capabilities by just a bit. The forklift driver, who snapped this picture, said the car’s axle had broken and the…

Daddy’s Diary

May 12, 2016

I found my daddy’s diary tucked Beneath his attic mess, And, lettered on the cover was, “The Secrets of Success.” I feared it would be bulging with Some windy, long laments; But when I opened it I found Three simple stanzas, hence: “To know someone, don’t listen As their lofty talk ascends, Instead, just look at what they’ve done, And who they choose as friends. And learn what you do badly, and Stop doing it, pall mall, So you can concentrate and grow In that which you do well. And, most important in your life In love, or work, or…

The Sun Mystery

May 12, 2016

In June the sun was coming up Before the crack of dawn, But, now, the thing is hold out, Not only that, but gone To bed at night much earlier— Three minutes, by the day!— And while I know this can’t be true (It’s summer; I’m at play) The trend seems clearly ominous (I’ve calculated stuff), By Christmas, it won’t shine at all And there won’t be enough Daylight and its resulting heat To keep my footsies warm And I might think of growing fur And there might be a storm And it might even snow and I Might have…

Dogs

May 12, 2016

“The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.” — Anonymous “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” — Ann Landers “If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” — Will Rogers “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” — Ben Williams “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” — Josh Billings “The average dog is a nicer person than the…

Darwin Awards

May 12, 2016

Thwarted Robbery – James Elliot, would-be robber, peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again after his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up. This time, it worked. Chicago Storm – A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned to find a woman had taken the space. He shot her. Crazy Bar Stop – After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting had escaped. Not wanting to admit…

A Primer on How to Be Annoying. . .

May 12, 2016

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in.” 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.” 7. Finish…

The Italian Pasta Diet

May 12, 2016

The Italian Pasta Diet…It Really Works You walka pasta da bakery. You walka pasta da candy store. You walka pasta da ice cream shop. You walka pasta da table and fridge. Concerned About Too Many Carbs in Your Diet? For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Chinese drink very little red…

New Element Discovered

May 12, 2016

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Governmentium.” Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take…

On Money

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” — Peter Ustinov “More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.” — John Nelson “We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.” —…

Benign Torture of Loved Ones

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members look at the sport of benign torture of loved ones. While seemingly harmless, pranks on the unsuspecting could lead to excessive use of alcohol and selenium, and unnecessary visits to the doctor’s office clearly not covered by their insurance policy.   Related posts: Signs of Things to Come Effects of Alcohol Binging Texting While Driving Dirty Children Make Healthy Adults?

If Dogs Could Fly…

May 12, 2016

A man was flying from Seattle. The plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a bit of a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman, who was blind. Another man noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing-eye dog lay quietly underneath the seat in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot…

Intoxicating License Plate

May 12, 2016

DRY STATE NEWS: Merlot can be a variety of grape or a type of red wine, but not an acceptable personalized license plate in the state of Utah. The Utah Tax Commission told the owner that he had to remove it because the state doesn’t allow words of intoxication to be used on vanity plates. Someone should tell the Utah Tax Commission that Merlot also is a variety of grape, originating in southern France and Italy. Snitching drivers are now on the lookout for the plates Muskat, Champagne and Concord. ANIMAL LOVING NEWS: A man from Flushing, Michigan is loving…

Effects of Steroids

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members take a look at the effects of steroids, and Human Growth Hormones (HGH) on the wide, wide world of sports. According to recent reports, prominent professional sports figures have been accused of illegally enhancing their bodies to give them the edge over their competition. Two baseball stars destined for the Hall of Fame are facing Congressional subpoenas. Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds are accused of bulking up with some form of adult Kool-Aid. Olympians are no exception: Ben Johnson, Marion Jones, the 1976 East German female swim team, a bearded member of the 1996 female Chinese…

Strong Showing of Patriotism in the US

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members look at the strong showing of patriotism in the United States during the celebration of Independence Day. Every year since declaring its independence from England in 1776, citizens and occupants of the U.S. gather en masse to cheer at fireworks displays, barbecue with friends and neighbors, and pontificate of our triumph over tyranny while sporting beer toting hard hats loaded with cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and convenient straws (the ultimate Father’s Day gift). Judging by the broad smile on his face, this Yankee doodle dandy is truly reveling in the spirit of freedom and the…

Lesser Known July Holidays

May 12, 2016

July 1 is . . . Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow Day July 2 is . . . Visitation of The Virgin Mary Day July 3 is . . . Stay Out of The Sun Day & Compliment Your Mirror Day July 4 is . . . Country Music Day & Tom Sawyer Fence-Painting Day July 5 is . . . Workaholics Day July 6 is . . . National Fried Chicken Day July 7 is . . . National Strawberry Sundae Day July 8 is . . . Video Games Day July 9 is ….

Sell By

May 12, 2016

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I never thought my barber would Destroy more than my hair. But, yesterday, he shaved my neck And drove me to despair! “What’s this?” he said. “Why, you’ve expired!” I said, “What do you mean?” He touched my neck, “It’s right back here– That place you’ve never seen. “We all have sell-by dates,” he said, “Tattooed behind our ears. We never, ever see them but For glimpses caught in mirrors. “And, then, of course, they’re backwards and Impossible to read, And, so, the implications are Impossible to heed.” It truly is ironic that I’d be the…

Playing for Keeps

May 12, 2016

Keep those wheels of commerce turning; Keep those suckers greased. Keep those time share condos churning; Keep those suckers leased. Keep your looks your highest passion; Keep on buying shoes. Keep your children high on fashion; Keep ignoring clues. Keep five-dollar coffee pumping; Keep refining taste. Keep those plastic bottles dumping; Keep refueling waste. Keep those Hummers gassed and guzzled; Keep those engines hot. Keep your horse sense tightly muzzled; Keep the past un-taught. Keep The Truth from dimly blinking; Keep all wisdom gone. Keep America from thinking. Keep on keeping on. Related posts: 4-D Printers Disapproval New Year’s Vow…

Obesity

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Today’s beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.” — Dave Barry “To say that obesity is caused by merely consuming too many calories is like saying that the only cause of the American Revolution was the Boston Tea Party.” — Adelle Davis “The hardest exercise…

Do-It-Yourself Projects

May 12, 2016

Excentric World looks at how people are attempting to save money by engaging in do-it-yourself projects. Popular television programs offer step-by-step instructions for the novice on everything from plumbing to gardening, from electrical wiring to painting. There is a show based on almost every aspect of home improvement. This picture reminded one of our staff of an occasion when his mother was trying to convince his father to put oak paneling on the walls of their living room to add ambience to her Early American motif. He refused for weeks at every request. Finally, she took matters into her own…

American Corporate Ingenuity

May 12, 2016

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired…

From the Brink of Think

May 12, 2016

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvyBpsQ3dyE It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone “to relax,” I told myself; but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and…

Parenthood

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: PARENTHOOD “Don’t try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.” –Russell Baker “The best brought-up children are those who have seen their parents as they are. Hypocrisy is not the parents’ first duty.” –George Bernard Shaw “To become a father is not hard, to be a father is,…

Astrology for the Weak

Horoscopes for July 28-August 3, 2013

ARIES (April 21 – April 19) You will need to pay special attention to safety and not avoid rash decisions this month. That thing could spread if scratched, making you even more hideous. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) The desire for personal and career advancement could cause you to consider furthering your education in some way. Learning from your mistakes doesn’t count. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) With your energy level cranked up, it’s possible you’ll buy a new wardrobe, dye your hair, get a tattoo or body piercing. The new outfit would be the least painful. CANCER (June…

Horoscopes for July 14-20, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) High gas prices, polluted air, mortgage crisis, credit card gouging, narrowing job opportunities, and all you’ll worry about is that unexplainable, itchy, red rash. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will insist in the beginning that your mate call you “Skipper” and they answer to “Little Buddy.” Later on, you’ll be better known as “Archie” and “Edith.” GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You have been waiting so long to take your relationship to the “intimate” level, that every time someone claps and the lights get turned on, so do you. CANCER (June 21…

Horoscopes for July 7-13, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will be greatly disappointed this month when you try to sell your doggie’s feces in the shape of Elvis’s face on ebay for $5,000 and don’t get any bids. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will celebrate too early over the invention of the Virtual Jump Rope when sued by the inventor of the Cordless Jump Rope. You’ll cease, no strings attached. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will try to publish a book about some strange happenings you have been experiencing while visiting the restroom. You’ll call your book, “The Toilet…

Horoscopes for June 30-July 6, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, your neighbor builds a 3-hole putting green in his basement. Not to be outdone, you will begin plans to construct a driving range in your living room. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You may have a hoarding compulsion. But, in your case, it actually could save you money, as fashion trends seem to resurface about every 20 years or so. Diet! GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) It is time to send letters to all those who are close to you in mind, but far away in distance. By the time some…

What’s Your Sign? Astrology for the Weak June 23-29, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The stars show that you should let other people take charge of things this month. But, of course, you won’t. You’re a Capricorn and only you’re the boss of you. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) It is really important to give your body a good chunk of vigorous exercise. After all, during the spring months you put a good chunk of junk in your trunk. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Soak up misguided attention. Enjoy being in the limelight. Savor all the adulation you’re getting. Very soon, people will discover you are…

Horoscopes for June 16-22, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will look for a new job. Don’t quit your day job yet, as there is little demand for an experienced yachtsman who enjoys gambling, whiskey and a good cigar. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month will find you hanging out with movie stars and the politically elite. In a short period of time, you will be detained for crashing the party uninvited. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will question the quality of your breath this month, as when you talked with someone, they turned away. Later, you will find they…

Horoscopes for June 9-15, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will recall days of rocking on a porch, whittling a stick, humming a tune and trying to hit that spittoon. Funny, you can’t recall starring in Deliverance. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will have a recurring nightmare of being reincarnated as a chihuahua, running in a parking lot with a taco in your mouth, being chased by a giant bell. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will try to get into the dating scene after a long hiatus. While coffee shops are the new, hip places to hang, watch out for…

Horoscopes for June 2-8, 2013

ARIES (April 21 – April 19) You’ll put a strong emphasis on love and affection, and you won’t be afraid to be demonstrative. Just remember, some demonstrations are illegal in public. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Venus and Mars are alright tonight. It has nothing to do with Taurus in June. I was listening to McCartney and Wings when I was writing these forecasts. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, you will decide to join one of those online dating groups. When you receive the results, you will be puzzled to learn the only match was yourself. CANCER…