February 24, 2020

  • First Family To Go To Moon Soon … by Blodwyn Smythe

    With just days before Halloween, a month before Thanksgiving, yet still another month to go before revelers get to shout, “Merry Christmas,” becuase Americans know that wishing people “Happy Holidays” or “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” is totally unacceptable in the new Trumpian World, formerly the United States of America, scuttlebut is leaking from the White House that the Trumps are planning an extended vacation out of this world – the likes of which no one has ever witnessed. Someone was even rumored to have been concked on the head for writing, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on…

  • Mister Natural!

    He put the finishing touches on the sign, climbed down the ladder and stepped back to admire his work. “Uncle Homer’s Backwoods Medical Research Establishment & Natural Stuff Emporium” the sign proudly proclaimed. This was the culmination of years of study, planning, saving, building, and dreaming. There in the middle of the great forest, Homer had built the business of his dreams. Surrounded by the natural world he loved so well, he would serve mankind by eliminating disease and producing healthy products for all the world to thrive on. His list of medical research priorities arranged before him, Homer pondered the…

  • The Juniper Tonic

    There’s one particular drink I have yet to touch on in the six plus years of writing this column–gin. That fact mostly comes from my personal preference, as I’ve never been a particular fan of gin. Ignoring it simply out of bias though is a disservice, as gin is still quite a popular beverage. Many people may see it as a cocktail spirit of an older generation, associated with the speakeasy era of prohibition and bootlegging. Many craft distillers though consider a well-made gin to be the pinnacle of artisan spirits, as it requires more finesse and skill to make…

  • Mother’s Day Ideas

    These are the times that try guy’s souls. Mother’s Day was created for three reasons. One, to sell greeting cards and flowers. Two, to increase business at restaurants. Three, to drive guys nuts figuring out what they can “get away with.” That is, maximum impact for minimum hassle, just to get Mother’s Day behind them. (Come on, guys, don’t look at me like that. You know I’m telling the truth even if it isn’t pretty.) I once heard about a guy who completely FORGOT Mother’s Day, but I won’t go into detail. It wasn’t a pretty sight. Each year we…

  • Puzzled By Chevy and Dodge Pickups

    When my wife says, “Just because,” I accept this as a valid reason without knowing why. I won’t extend this courtesy to other areas, however–that’s why I’m puzzled by Chevy and Dodge pickups. Both manufacturers have named their half-ton pickup “1500.” The Dodge was not always so. Not too long ago, it was just a Dodge Ram, but then it was changed to 1500, so there must be a reason. But 1500 what? Why not 1486 or 1633? If the company is intent on having “hundred” on the end, why not 14 or 16 hundred? Is there something magic about…

FEATURED WORLD EDITION

Tech Support for Spouses

Oct 28, 2019

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 , but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate   Dear Desperate, First, keep…

The Fountain of Truth

Oct 28, 2019

I hear I’ve no requirement to Be growing old and worn, No scientific reason to Be wrinkled and forlorn. No deconstructing chemistry That can’t be turned around To make my failing body right And tight and bright and sound. No breakdown of my systems that Smart doctors can’t reverse Returning my deposit on That black and shiny hearse. No single, solitary thought That any mind can think That justifies my plunging from The geriatric brink! Except for this endorsement in Mortality’s behest: I’m sick and tired of all this crap; I need a good, long rest! Related posts: Horoscopes for…

Safety on America’s Highways

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members look at the safety on America’s highways. Many states have rescinded annual state inspections requiring cars be safe before being allowed on state roads. Some say the revenue would bail out most states while making the roads safer. Mirrors may have helped this driver. Related posts: Accessories for the Designated Driver Efforts to Save on Rising Fuel Costs Economical Ways of Going Green The Current State of America’s Economy

Murphy’s Other Laws

Oct 28, 2019

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? 6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 8. Seen it all, done it all. Can’t remember most of it. 9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. 10. I feel like I’m diagonally…

Snake Oil Love

Oct 28, 2019

The woman parked her car and climbed My steps and kicked my door! I opened up to face a girl That scared me to the core! “You’re nothing but a charlatan!” She screamed into my face, “A snake oil selling swindler, A vacuous disgrace!” She waved my column in the air; Her eyes were blazing red! “Oh dear,” I cried. “I’m falling fast! Just tell me, are you wed? “I’m looking for a woman and I think you’ll fit the bill. I’m hopelessly attracted to Your clear, abusive will! “My other marriages, for love, Were less than second rate. I’m…

The South is All Them Red States

Oct 28, 2019

They measure distance in minutes. They’ve often had to switch from heat to a/c in the same day. You’ll see a car running in a store parking lot with no one in it no matter what time of the year. They use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store. All the festivals across the South are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal. They install security lights on their houses and garages and then leave both unlocked. They carry jumper cables in their car… for their OWN car. They know what “cow…

Up with Cats

Oct 28, 2019

I’ve given up on women, and I’ve taken up with cats! Cats never preach the sins of salt Or saturated fats! I told my woman, yesterday, That cats would be my life. She smiled, and said, I think that cats Will make a splendid wife! I’ve thought for years that cats and you Would get along quite well– You both are low, and sneaky, and Exude a fishy smell. You prowl around in dark of night, And no one knows just where, And when the morning light appears You slink back to your lair, And yawn, and scratch, and lick…

The Media

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Unfortunately, the media have trouble distinguishing between real science and propaganda cross-dressed as science.” — Linda Bowles “Journalism consists largely in saying ‘Lord Jones died’ to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.” — G. K. Chesterton “I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.” — Gandhi “Whoever controls the media–the images–controls the culture.” —…

Love

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved–loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” — Victor Hugo “A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.” — Fr. Jerome Cummings “Without love, benevolence becomes egotism.” — Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. “Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding…

Scope This

Oct 28, 2019

I’ve found a brand new restaurant that’s A perfect place to dine. It opens up at 6 a.m. And doesn’t close till nine. It’s thrifty, bright and squeaky-clean; It’s customers are smart; It’s food is fresh, eclectic, and It’s walls are hung with art. There’s salad bars and deli bars, And pasta bars, and sauce; There’s taco bars and chocolate bars, And, at the end, there’s floss. You choose and weigh and pay by ounce, So, careful what you take. And if you wear a stethoscope, You get a special break. You’re right! It’s true! I’m eating at The hospital…

Democracy

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: DEMOCRACY “Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.” Winston Churchill “Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.” Benjamin Franklin “Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after…

Drug Possession on Horseback

Oct 28, 2019

GIDDY UP NEWS: A woman who went for a horseback ride through Sylvania, Alabama allegedly used the horse to ram a police car and was charged with driving under the influence and drug offenses. The woman was charged with DUI for allegedly riding the horse under the influence of a controlled substance. She was also charged with drug possession, possession of drug paraphernalia, resisting arrest, assault, attempting to elude police and cruelty to animals. She plans to use the horse’s ass defense. A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME NEWS: Metallica may be a cool name for a heavy metal band,…

Android Orphans

Oct 28, 2019

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I watched a little girl, this week, Sit, staring at her dad– A precious time together that Seemed nothing less than sad. They sat across a table at A trendy coffee place– Her father, with his slick, new phone Held up, before his face. The little girl was waiting with Wide, patient eyes that smiled In hopeful expectation that Her daddy missed, beguiled By digital distractions on That bright, seductive screen, While daddy’s girl sat, pleading with Adoring eyes, unseen By yet another parent who Believes their love is clear, While android-orphan children wait A day,…

Useful Military Warnings

Oct 28, 2019

“Aim towards the Enemy.” Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” U.S. Army magazine “Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop “If the enemy is in range, so are you.” Infantry Journal “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”…

Literary Award

Oct 28, 2019

These are the ten winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel… #10 As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it. #9 Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens. #8 With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed the lustrous thick, brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description….

Lesser Known May Holidays

Oct 28, 2019

May 1 is . . . Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day May 2 is . . . Fire Day May 3 is . . . Lumpy Rug Day May 4 is . . . National Candied Orange Peel Day May 5 is . . . National Hoagie Day May 6 is . . . Beverage Day May 7 is . . . International Tuba Day and National Roast Leg of Lamb Day May 8 is . . . No Socks Day and Have A Coke Day May 9 is . . . Lost Sock Memorial Day May…

Politically Correct Guys & Gals

Oct 28, 2019

1. She is not a Babe or Chick – She is a Breasted American. 2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner – She is Vocally Appreciative. 3. She is not Easy – She is Horizontally Accessible. 4. She is not Dumb – She is a Detour Off The Information Highway. 5. She has not Been Around – She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion. 6. She is not an Air Head – She is Reality Impaired. 7. She does not get Drunk – She gets Chemically Inconvenienced. 8. She has not had Breast Augmentation – She is Medically Enhanced. 9….

Keep America Beautiful

Oct 28, 2019

Many of you 50 and older are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. You’re unsure about the kind of image you are projecting, and whether or not you are correct as you try to conform to the fashions that the designers inflict upon the world. So here are the results of a study of the situation. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and a bald spot 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirt and…

Life’s Little Philosophies

Oct 28, 2019

1. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often. 3. Going to a church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. It isn’t the jeans that make your butt look fat. 5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9….

4-D Printers

Oct 28, 2019

by Doug Rabbit Sutherland ‘Ol Bernie Madoff would be proud! He really would!  It’s true! Because I’ve hatched a jail-proof scheme Who’s time is clearly due! We charlatans of noble stripe Have one stone in our sling: To stay one step ahead of folks Obsessed with “The Next Thing!” Now, 3-D printers, as you know, Have galvanized the world. So, what would be the next big thing That begs to be unfurled? Why, 4- printers!  Clear as day! And, I have them in stock! And, for a measly hundred grand You’ll be first on your block To copy things that…

Husbands & Wives

Oct 28, 2019

Continuing with the husbands understanding their wives theme, our super crack Excentric World investigators look at the odd ways in which men choose to communicate their feelings. While it is doubtful that the owner of this Volkswagen Golf is a man, as most men would leave this vehicle for their wives to drive while they zip around town in the coupe, it is certain some maladjusted male, with decent printing skills and a finger most likely wiped on the side of his pants, scrawled this message onto the back of this SUV. Choosing to express his innermost feelings about his…

Accessories for the Designated Driver

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members look at the effects of driving under the influence. The driver of this this vehicle reminds herself that drinking and driving don’t go together, except as an occasional accessory. More and more bar hoppers are appointing one of their own as a designated driver. This person enjoys not only watching their friends make blithering spectacles of themselves throughout the night, but is empowered to drop them off at their respective homes. Stories about letting them off at the wrong houses have made the designated driver the favorite of parties and bars. Who says staying sober can’t…

Stupidity

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “I wash my hands of those who imagine chattering to be knowledge, silence to be ignorance, and affection to be art.” — Kahlil Gibran “There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.” — Johann von Goethe “Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education.” — Bertrand Russell “The doorstep to the temple of…

You Are Only Old As You…

Oct 28, 2019

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” A woman was sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist. She noticed his DDS certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in her high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that she had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face…

Hygiene Hypothesis

Oct 28, 2019

CLEAN LIVING NEWS: Two studies, one published in the Scandinavian Journal of Immunology, have found that gritty rats and mice living in sewers and farms have healthier immune systems than those living in antiseptic laboratories. The lesson for humans is that clean living may make us sick. A theory called the hygiene hypothesis claims that people’s immune systems aren’t being challenged by disease and dirt early in life, possibly to blame for the soaring rates of allergy and asthma cases and some autoimmune diseases. COFFEE PROFIT NEWS: Starbucks has decided to shrink its shareholder perks. Every spring the company sends…

Astrology for the Weak

Horoscopes for May 12-18, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will join the NRA as a lifetime member. Like Mitt Romney, you’ll boast of hunting small game – like squirrels, with a humane trap and peanut buttered bread. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month will find you able to see people’s auras. Because of the unseasonable heat wave, everyone’s auras will read red, with little beads of sweat mixed in. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be tempted once again to run away and join the circus as a short, overweight, fire-eating accountant. Sadly there are still no openings for…

Horoscopes for May 5-11, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will accept that it is time for you to lose your virginity. You won’t want anyone to know, so you’ll hire a professional. They’ll tell you “Not on the first date.” TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) A Chinese fortune cookie helps you realize that “If you have more friends than money, you are never poor.” Especially if you only spend their money. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be convinced by an acquaintance of yours to invest in what you think is Egyptian antiquities. Later, you’ll learn it is no more…

Horoscopes for April 28-May 4, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April/May is a good time for a career change. CEO of any business should guarantee a huge salary, bonus, perks and put you in a cushy off-shore tax bracket. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will discover you have an affinity for small, furry things. Due to your extreme display of affection, it would be best to start out with inanimate objects. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will run into someone from your distant past. After they fully recover from their injuries and pay their hospital bills, you can try to catch…

Xtra Special Horoscopes for April 21-28, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, you are able to do a million things at once. While that truly is a very rare skill, indeed, there is no indication you will perform any of these tasks well. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are fun. You are bright. You are fun and bright. You are quick. You are enthusiastic. You are quick and enthusiastic. You are confused. You are Aquarius. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This is a good time to figure out who you are by putting yourself in new situations and see how you…

Horoscopes for April 14-20, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April showers bring May flowers, but in your case April will also bring long mental lapses, during which things will occur that you can deny any memory of. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This is a good time to show everyone how to celebrate Easter. Place the eggs in plain sight to avoid children on spring break picking up any bunny droppings. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month you will decide to change careers. Of course, some may not consider volunteering to walk the Humane Society of Sedona dogs a career. CANCER…

Horoscopes for April 7-13, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will have unwanted guests this month that just refuse to go away. Only as an absolute last resort should you secretly rub them down with Preparation H. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This would be a good month to pursue your musical dreams. After guitar, drums, keyboards and sax, you’ll find your hidden talent for mastering the concertina. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Out with the old and in with the new. That will be your mantra this month as all of your old friends leave you in the lurch for trying…

Horoscopes for March 31-April 6, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you will consider voluntarily seeking professional mental therapy. After some serious thought, an invisible giant rabbit convinces you otherwise. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll have a bad time with friends and relatives after getting a fortune cookie that you thought said “you’re rude today” and you mistreat everyone for 24 hours. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will need to avoid the sun, especially with this global climate change thing. You will overhear some people talking as you walk by, calling you an old raisin. CANCER (June 21 – July…

Horoscopes for March 17-23, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A revelation about energy will come to you this month after you keep pressing harder and harder on the remote control when the batteries are getting weak. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll buy a new pair of jeans and tennis shoes to go bungee jumping. Later you’ll discover that was like Kamikaze pilots wearing helmets before their big day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a sudden urge to drive to Surprise, Arizona this month. Once you arrive, you’ll find there is absolutely nothing there to do. Surprise! CANCER (June…