August 16, 2017

  • How Rude Is That?

    Three times within the last week someone disposed of a used tissue by throwing it into the bed of my pick-up in the parking lot. I admit that my truck is not shiny new anymore and the bed is half full with firewood that looks like clean up from a tree-trimming job…but really, how rude is that? The fact that this has happened three consecutive times has convinced me that it’s not a random act like the occasional drink cup or empty cigarette package that I used to get. If the person who threw those tissues in my truck knew…

  • Yard Work!

    For those of you high desert dwellers who have chosen to abandon your lawns for landscaping rock, you’ll just have to use your imagination. Well, here we are again–grass cutting and yard work season. Unless you’re a genius and can convince your wife she should do the yard work, it’s YOUR job. I tried the “grass sharks” story on my wife, but she didn’t bite. I tried “snow sharks” on her last winter, but she didn’t buy them either. Being essentially lazy, I like to keep yard work quick and simple. The sooner I can get it done, the sooner…

  • No Toils or Troubles, Just Tiny Bubbles

    Our subject goes by many names. The Germans call it Sekt. The Spanish use the term Cava. Italians have a few different names for it but generally call it Spumante. Some places say Sparkling Wine, but most of you know it by the name of its French home – Champagne. Champagne is a beverage that’s synonymous with celebration. The wines of Champagne were long heralded by the rulers of Europe, mostly because French Kings were traditionally crowned in the city of Rheims located right in the heart of the Champagne region. Since royalty liked to party, the local tipple became the…

  • The Legacy of Wine

    I’ve noticed the passing of several large names in the wine world over the years. Among them are a few the average person may know: Julio Gallo and Robert Mondavi, as examples. There have been many others that professionals in the industry know as familiar names. This thought was brought to a head for me recently as a legend in wine education and research from my alma mater passed away after a battle with cancer. Lesser Known Wine Giants I’d like to take a few moments to pay remembrance to a pair of significant names I’ve personally known in the world…

  • Newspaper Raids Looming

    Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than 1000 bayonets —  Napoleon Bonaparte As one who never believes in conspiracies—not even the one about the current City Council—there is one looming that must have been created by the hand of the Devil himself though he now wears Brooks Brother’s suits. Few know where secret meetings are held, where headquarters are to be found, or who the leaders might be. One clue: Notice how many states are wrestling with similar bills attacking nurses, conservationists, teachers, unions? Well, that’s because ALEC is slipping model legislation—and some lucre—into the hands of legislative…

FEATURED WORLD EDITION

Lesser Known June Holidays

May 12, 2016

June 1 is . . . Dare Day June 2 is . . . National Rocky Road Day June 3 is . . . Repeat Day June 4 is . . . Old Maid’s Day June 5 is . . . Festival Of Popular Delusions Day June 6 is . . . Teacher’s Day and National Applesauce Cake Day June 7 is . . . National Chocolate Ice Cream Day June 8 is . . . Name Your Poison Day June 9 is . . . Donald Duck Day June 10 is . . . National Yo-Yo Day June 11…

Bogus Automobile Insurance Claims

May 12, 2016

Excentric World looks at some ways Americans are trying to collect on bogus automobile insurance claims to get out from under tough lease agreements. This driver had been following the portable potty carrier after spotting him from her business parking lot. She had known about the overpass and figured one or both of the potties would come tumbling down on her BMW convertible, damaging the hood and engine so severely that it would make her lease contract null and void. The photographer was laughing so hard, the follow-up shot was missed and he split after police arrived to avoid the…

Fun Raiser

May 12, 2016

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I’ve noticed, public radio’s Stopped begging for my car, Regardless of it runs or not Or if it’s plagued with tar! Apparently, they’ve changed their minds: They want my wife, instead! And, if I hesitate or balk, Then NPR is dead! Their pitch is quite familiar as The radio explained: They’ll tow her off regardless of The hundred pounds she’s gained, While celebrating loudly that At last, she will be free, Will earn a super tax break and, To boot, be rid of me! I have but one condition to Impose to grease the skids: They…

The World’s Oldest Living Person

May 12, 2016

GUINNESS AGE NEWS: The world’s oldest living person, Japan’s Jiroemon Kimura, celebrated his 116th birthday in April with congratulations from around the world and from Japan’s prime minister. Also living in Japan is the world’s oldest woman at 115 years of age. When asked how he was feeling, Mr. Kimura said repeatedly, “nanigoto?” or “What?” GONE TO THE DOGS NEWS: A new television series is scheduled to air on Nat GEO about devoted pet owners who go above and beyond spoiling their pets. It will feature doggies who no only wear one-of-a-kind sweaters, but have their own psychics. You may…

Tech Support for Spouses

May 12, 2016

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 , but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate   Dear Desperate, First, keep…

The Fountain of Truth

May 12, 2016

I hear I’ve no requirement to Be growing old and worn, No scientific reason to Be wrinkled and forlorn. No deconstructing chemistry That can’t be turned around To make my failing body right And tight and bright and sound. No breakdown of my systems that Smart doctors can’t reverse Returning my deposit on That black and shiny hearse. No single, solitary thought That any mind can think That justifies my plunging from The geriatric brink! Except for this endorsement in Mortality’s behest: I’m sick and tired of all this crap; I need a good, long rest! Related posts: Horoscopes for…

Safety on America’s Highways

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members look at the safety on America’s highways. Many states have rescinded annual state inspections requiring cars be safe before being allowed on state roads. Some say the revenue would bail out most states while making the roads safer. Mirrors may have helped this driver. Related posts: Accessories for the Designated Driver Efforts to Save on Rising Fuel Costs Economical Ways of Going Green The Current State of America’s Economy

Murphy’s Other Laws

May 12, 2016

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? 6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 8. Seen it all, done it all. Can’t remember most of it. 9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. 10. I feel like I’m diagonally…

Snake Oil Love

May 12, 2016

The woman parked her car and climbed My steps and kicked my door! I opened up to face a girl That scared me to the core! “You’re nothing but a charlatan!” She screamed into my face, “A snake oil selling swindler, A vacuous disgrace!” She waved my column in the air; Her eyes were blazing red! “Oh dear,” I cried. “I’m falling fast! Just tell me, are you wed? “I’m looking for a woman and I think you’ll fit the bill. I’m hopelessly attracted to Your clear, abusive will! “My other marriages, for love, Were less than second rate. I’m…

The South is All Them Red States

May 12, 2016

They measure distance in minutes. They’ve often had to switch from heat to a/c in the same day. You’ll see a car running in a store parking lot with no one in it no matter what time of the year. They use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store. All the festivals across the South are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal. They install security lights on their houses and garages and then leave both unlocked. They carry jumper cables in their car… for their OWN car. They know what “cow…

Up with Cats

May 12, 2016

I’ve given up on women, and I’ve taken up with cats! Cats never preach the sins of salt Or saturated fats! I told my woman, yesterday, That cats would be my life. She smiled, and said, I think that cats Will make a splendid wife! I’ve thought for years that cats and you Would get along quite well– You both are low, and sneaky, and Exude a fishy smell. You prowl around in dark of night, And no one knows just where, And when the morning light appears You slink back to your lair, And yawn, and scratch, and lick…

The Media

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Unfortunately, the media have trouble distinguishing between real science and propaganda cross-dressed as science.” — Linda Bowles “Journalism consists largely in saying ‘Lord Jones died’ to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.” — G. K. Chesterton “I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.” — Gandhi “Whoever controls the media–the images–controls the culture.” —…

Love

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved–loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” — Victor Hugo “A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.” — Fr. Jerome Cummings “Without love, benevolence becomes egotism.” — Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. “Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding…

Scope This

May 12, 2016

I’ve found a brand new restaurant that’s A perfect place to dine. It opens up at 6 a.m. And doesn’t close till nine. It’s thrifty, bright and squeaky-clean; It’s customers are smart; It’s food is fresh, eclectic, and It’s walls are hung with art. There’s salad bars and deli bars, And pasta bars, and sauce; There’s taco bars and chocolate bars, And, at the end, there’s floss. You choose and weigh and pay by ounce, So, careful what you take. And if you wear a stethoscope, You get a special break. You’re right! It’s true! I’m eating at The hospital…

Democracy

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: DEMOCRACY “Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.” Winston Churchill “Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.” Benjamin Franklin “Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after…

Drug Possession on Horseback

May 12, 2016

GIDDY UP NEWS: A woman who went for a horseback ride through Sylvania, Alabama allegedly used the horse to ram a police car and was charged with driving under the influence and drug offenses. The woman was charged with DUI for allegedly riding the horse under the influence of a controlled substance. She was also charged with drug possession, possession of drug paraphernalia, resisting arrest, assault, attempting to elude police and cruelty to animals. She plans to use the horse’s ass defense. A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME NEWS: Metallica may be a cool name for a heavy metal band,…

Android Orphans

May 12, 2016

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I watched a little girl, this week, Sit, staring at her dad– A precious time together that Seemed nothing less than sad. They sat across a table at A trendy coffee place– Her father, with his slick, new phone Held up, before his face. The little girl was waiting with Wide, patient eyes that smiled In hopeful expectation that Her daddy missed, beguiled By digital distractions on That bright, seductive screen, While daddy’s girl sat, pleading with Adoring eyes, unseen By yet another parent who Believes their love is clear, While android-orphan children wait A day,…

Useful Military Warnings

May 12, 2016

“Aim towards the Enemy.” Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” U.S. Army magazine “Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop “If the enemy is in range, so are you.” Infantry Journal “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”…

Literary Award

May 12, 2016

These are the ten winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel… #10 As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it. #9 Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens. #8 With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed the lustrous thick, brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description….

Lesser Known May Holidays

May 12, 2016

May 1 is . . . Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day May 2 is . . . Fire Day May 3 is . . . Lumpy Rug Day May 4 is . . . National Candied Orange Peel Day May 5 is . . . National Hoagie Day May 6 is . . . Beverage Day May 7 is . . . International Tuba Day and National Roast Leg of Lamb Day May 8 is . . . No Socks Day and Have A Coke Day May 9 is . . . Lost Sock Memorial Day May…

Politically Correct Guys & Gals

May 12, 2016

1. She is not a Babe or Chick – She is a Breasted American. 2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner – She is Vocally Appreciative. 3. She is not Easy – She is Horizontally Accessible. 4. She is not Dumb – She is a Detour Off The Information Highway. 5. She has not Been Around – She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion. 6. She is not an Air Head – She is Reality Impaired. 7. She does not get Drunk – She gets Chemically Inconvenienced. 8. She has not had Breast Augmentation – She is Medically Enhanced. 9….

Keep America Beautiful

May 12, 2016

Many of you 50 and older are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. You’re unsure about the kind of image you are projecting, and whether or not you are correct as you try to conform to the fashions that the designers inflict upon the world. So here are the results of a study of the situation. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and a bald spot 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirt and…

Life’s Little Philosophies

May 12, 2016

1. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often. 3. Going to a church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. It isn’t the jeans that make your butt look fat. 5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9….

4-D Printers

May 12, 2016

by Doug Rabbit Sutherland ‘Ol Bernie Madoff would be proud! He really would!  It’s true! Because I’ve hatched a jail-proof scheme Who’s time is clearly due! We charlatans of noble stripe Have one stone in our sling: To stay one step ahead of folks Obsessed with “The Next Thing!” Now, 3-D printers, as you know, Have galvanized the world. So, what would be the next big thing That begs to be unfurled? Why, 4- printers!  Clear as day! And, I have them in stock! And, for a measly hundred grand You’ll be first on your block To copy things that…

Husbands & Wives

May 12, 2016

Continuing with the husbands understanding their wives theme, our super crack Excentric World investigators look at the odd ways in which men choose to communicate their feelings. While it is doubtful that the owner of this Volkswagen Golf is a man, as most men would leave this vehicle for their wives to drive while they zip around town in the coupe, it is certain some maladjusted male, with decent printing skills and a finger most likely wiped on the side of his pants, scrawled this message onto the back of this SUV. Choosing to express his innermost feelings about his…

Astrology for the Weak

Horoscopes for June 2-8, 2013

ARIES (April 21 – April 19) You’ll put a strong emphasis on love and affection, and you won’t be afraid to be demonstrative. Just remember, some demonstrations are illegal in public. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Venus and Mars are alright tonight. It has nothing to do with Taurus in June. I was listening to McCartney and Wings when I was writing these forecasts. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, you will decide to join one of those online dating groups. When you receive the results, you will be puzzled to learn the only match was yourself. CANCER…

Horoscopes for May 26-June 1, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month is a good month to get noticed, so get out there and take charge. But first, check off your list – hair, teeth, clothes, shoes, signs, tea bags, tax refund. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You could find yourself in the center of the spotlight in May and all eyes focused on you to see what you are going to do next. My suggestion? Zip up and smile. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) May is a good time to reflect on things you might have done and may have accomplished had…

Horoscopes for May 12-18, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will join the NRA as a lifetime member. Like Mitt Romney, you’ll boast of hunting small game – like squirrels, with a humane trap and peanut buttered bread. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month will find you able to see people’s auras. Because of the unseasonable heat wave, everyone’s auras will read red, with little beads of sweat mixed in. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be tempted once again to run away and join the circus as a short, overweight, fire-eating accountant. Sadly there are still no openings for…

Horoscopes for May 5-11, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will accept that it is time for you to lose your virginity. You won’t want anyone to know, so you’ll hire a professional. They’ll tell you “Not on the first date.” TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) A Chinese fortune cookie helps you realize that “If you have more friends than money, you are never poor.” Especially if you only spend their money. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be convinced by an acquaintance of yours to invest in what you think is Egyptian antiquities. Later, you’ll learn it is no more…

Horoscopes for April 28-May 4, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April/May is a good time for a career change. CEO of any business should guarantee a huge salary, bonus, perks and put you in a cushy off-shore tax bracket. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will discover you have an affinity for small, furry things. Due to your extreme display of affection, it would be best to start out with inanimate objects. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will run into someone from your distant past. After they fully recover from their injuries and pay their hospital bills, you can try to catch…

Xtra Special Horoscopes for April 21-28, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, you are able to do a million things at once. While that truly is a very rare skill, indeed, there is no indication you will perform any of these tasks well. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are fun. You are bright. You are fun and bright. You are quick. You are enthusiastic. You are quick and enthusiastic. You are confused. You are Aquarius. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This is a good time to figure out who you are by putting yourself in new situations and see how you…

Horoscopes for April 14-20, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April showers bring May flowers, but in your case April will also bring long mental lapses, during which things will occur that you can deny any memory of. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This is a good time to show everyone how to celebrate Easter. Place the eggs in plain sight to avoid children on spring break picking up any bunny droppings. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month you will decide to change careers. Of course, some may not consider volunteering to walk the Humane Society of Sedona dogs a career. CANCER…

Horoscopes for April 7-13, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will have unwanted guests this month that just refuse to go away. Only as an absolute last resort should you secretly rub them down with Preparation H. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This would be a good month to pursue your musical dreams. After guitar, drums, keyboards and sax, you’ll find your hidden talent for mastering the concertina. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Out with the old and in with the new. That will be your mantra this month as all of your old friends leave you in the lurch for trying…