October 14, 2019

  • Calendars . . . FREE . . . and worth it!

    If you are reading this, then you know, as I do, that the world did not end on December 21, 2012. Conspiracy theorists, New Age nincompoops and a cabal of defrocked priests with Internet divinity degrees have been saying for the last few years that life, as we know it, would cease to be on that auspicious date. The source of their purported knowledge was a calendar composed some 5,000 years ago and, according to scholars, distributed in hardware stores throughout the Mayan world, for free. I’m not sure if the prediction was based on the calendar itself or something…

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    Booms Rattle a Country?

    Pictured above is a clip from the movie “Mars Attacks.” While this is clearly an animated character, it represents the big-headed aliens that are predicted to eventually launch an assault on Earth. Some people think the recent booms were sonic booms created by extraterrestrial aircraft zipping around the world. Rumors of an upcoming invasion are now reaching beyond the sets of Hollywood. While the Martians may not be little green men from outer space (there would have to be some women–unless, of course they would be coming here to take ours) they could, if they exist, still pose a serious threat…

  • Remedial Beer

    I’ve spent years educating myself on the topic of booze, and sometimes take for granted that not everyone may understand what, to me, seems like common knowledge. I encounter frequent misinformation from the average consumer as a result, so every now and then I just feel the need to give an education lesson. I almost debated calling this article Beer 101, but that titling format gets far too over-used, and let’s face it, this is information you should know well before you ever dream of college studies. So I went with Remedial Beer, because this really is the 1+1=2 basics,…

  • Happy New Year!

    Remember this time 13 years ago? Everybody was worried about being Y2K compliant and waiting with bated breath to see if airplanes would fall out of the sky at the stroke of midnight. Survivalists were holed up in their secret mountain fortresses guarding tons of freeze-dried food, alert and waiting to defend their strongholds against marauding hordes of city dwellers desperate for food and drink. Fly-by-night shysters were counting the mountains of money they made from the sale of emergency generators. Everyone was concerned. Everyone, that is, except our dogs and cats. They knew nothing about Y2K. When nothing happened,…

  • Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever!

    Excentric World continues its long-running tradition of publishing the recipe for Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever in its original form. It was first printed in 1991. Each year, it is rewritten in near its original form. Here’s what you’ll need: 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 stick butter 1 cup sugar 2 large eggs 1/4 cup brown sugar 1 cup dried fruit 1/4 cup chopped nuts 1 tsp. baking powder 1 tsp. baking soda 1 tsp. lemon juice Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring spoons and cup,…

FEATURED WORLD EDITION

Bound to Celebrate the Holidays

May 12, 2016

The Excentric World investigative team takes a look at the holiday season celebrations around the globe. While conducting a series of interviews with some military high muck-a-muck at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, regarding prisoner participation during Christmas, this photo was captured. Terrorists and other detainees were subjected to caroling and wassailing, tree trimming, kissing under the mistletoe and taking turns portraying the baby Jesus during the prison Nativity Play. Taking the place of ox and ass were flamingo and iguana, native to naval base interrogation facility. Since the U.S. Justice Department advised that the Guantanamo Bay detention camp could be considered outside U.S. legal…

Refuting Climate Change

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members look at the controversy behind the scientific reports of climate change. Many who refuse to accept the data compiled by some of the foremost experts on past, present and future earthly meteorological conditions have cited the strange winter wonderland conditions around the nation’s capital to debunk climate forecasts. One example used by the naysayers was this photograph of a congressional staff member frozen in time while perusing the weather pages. Some politicos have attempted to produce climate change legislation, but have been given the cold shoulder.   Related posts: Economical Ways of Going Green Dirty Children…

New Year’s Vow

May 12, 2016

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality Last year my resolution was An altruistic stiff! My self-denial I truly thought Would save us from the cliff. I ate raw grains, tofu and leaves, Which, trust me, wasn’t fun, Believing that my sacrifice Would grow your 401! But, did I do a single thing To solve our fiscal pain? And, what was I contributing To economic economic gain? The answers are as clear as fat Upon my Christmas goose: I wasn’t adding anything!— In fact, my pants got loose! And, so, this year I do resolve From thinness to break free!—…

Senior Household Hints

May 12, 2016

Start a compost heap with that stuff in the bottom of the vegetable bin in your refrigerator. Patch holes in walls with leftover Thanksgiving stuffing. Save belly button lint and use it for stuffing teddy bears. Grout your kitchen and bathroom tile with cake frosting. Fix-A-Dent can also be used to fill cracks in furniture. Catnip can double as an aphrodisiac. Clean family heirloom china with salt and white vinegar. Then sell the junk and take a vacation. Drive roaches away by sprinkling that cheap wine your friends bring over around the baseboards. Hair spray and a lighter can be…

Yes, I’m a Senior Citizen

May 12, 2016

I’m the life of the party… even if it lasts until 8 p.m. I’m very good at opening childproof caps… with a hammer. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying. I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over… I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine. I’m so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental…

Superstitions

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.” — Martin Luther “The opinion prevailed among advanced minds that it was time that belief should be replaced increasingly by knowledge; belief that did not itself rest on knowledge was superstition, and as such had to be opposed.” — Albert Einstein “Life is either a daring adventure or…

3,000 Year Old Scribbling

May 12, 2016

HISTORIC LITERARY NEWS: Experts believe the oldest form of writing has been discovered on a tablet in Mexico. Tests show the writing to be over 3,000 years old. After months of studying the scribbling, it is believed that the tablet was carried around by a nomadic hitchhiker and the scrolled message states “America or Bust.” HUNTING NEWS: A South Dakota man was sentenced to two years of probation for chopper-chasing a herd of deer in a Nebraska national forest. Some deer feel the sentence was too light and want the man’s head mounted on a tree. NUDITY NEWS: Police went…

Texting While Driving

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members take a look at texting while driving in the United States. While some states have passed common sense laws prohibiting the use of hand held devices altogether, others are holding fast to their Libertarian spirit and allowing auto accident statistics to reach the level of those that are alcohol related. But hey, who’s counting?   Related posts: Dumb Driver Dilemma Accessories for the Designated Driver Safety on America’s Highways Reaction to Selective Shopping

Lesser Known January Holidays

May 12, 2016

January 1 is First Foot Day and Z Day January 2 is Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day January 3 is Festival of Sleep Day January 4 is Trivia Day and Humiliation Day January 5 is Bird Day January 6 is Bean Day January 7 is Old Rock Day January 8 is National Joy Germ Day and Man Watcher’s Day January 9 is Play God Day January 10 is Peculiar People Day January 11 is National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day January 12 is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day January…

Kissing

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: KISSING “A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” Ingrid Bergman “Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.” Albert Einstein “Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.”…

The 12 Sure Cures With Vodka . . .

May 12, 2016

To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew. To clean eyeglasses, wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade…

Getting in Better Shape

May 12, 2016

The Excentric World staff looks at the number one New Year’s Resolution: getting in better shape. Fitness centers are cropping up in every city to keep up with the desire to bulk up and slim down. Fueling even more interest in Americans maintaining a healthy weight and body mass is the threat by health insurance companies to punish the obese, or reward the thin, depending on your mirror’s point of view. With the glut of high calorie foods that are associated with the holiday season and the sedentary lifestyle brought on by colder weather, Americans tend to gain more weight from…

Reaction to Selective Shopping

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members look at the reaction to selective shopping over the holiday season. Children across the United States woke up Christmas Day to far fewer presents than they had received in the past. Gone are the days of rampant holiday spending to fill a room with gifts, wrapped in brightly colored paper with exquisite bows and ribbons. Christmas was marked by rooms with scant packages rolled up in tissues paper, sans the cellophane, identified with markers instead of name tags. While some retailers suffered once again this holiday season, alcohol sales were being tallied at record numbers. Cheers!…

Regifting Unwanted Goodies

May 12, 2016

Coming in this January’s issue, our staff members take a look at the art of regifting. Many people rush to tear open their neatly wrapped gifts from under the Christmas tree on the morning after Santa’s slide down the chimney or slithering under an unlocked window, only to be disappointed by a strange gift. The thought of exchanging the gift or giving it to someone else immediately comes to mind, with a “Thanks, Grandma.”   Related posts: Why You Should Vote . . . Horoscopes for December 30, 2012-January 5, 2013 Refuting Climate Change

The True Meaning of Love

May 12, 2016

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” – Rebecca, age 8 “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” – Billy,  age 4 “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” – Chrissy,  age 6 “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” –…

The Acting Jerk

May 12, 2016

“Just be yourself,” my woman cried, “Stop acting like a jerk!” She threw her dishes in the sink, And strutted off to work. I put a load of laundry in, And swept the kitchen floor; I gathered up my thoughts, and then Addressed them to the door: “My dear, it seems to me you’ve missed The essence of the plot: There is no question whether I’m An acting jerk, or not; “My jerkness is as close to me As skin is to a grape, As stripes to watermelon, or As Scotch is to its tape; “I’m ugly, short, and stupid,…

New Workout Plan

May 12, 2016

I have found this to be a wonderful work out plan for those of us over 45. This is for older people. Younger people try it at your own risk. This is working well for me. For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well. Begin by standing straight, with a 5-lb potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can–try to reach…

Deck the Decking with Beer Can Bottoms

May 12, 2016

Excentric World takes a big picture look at the joy of celebrating the holidays with elaborate decorations as seen from the eye of a beer lover. Everywhere, Christmas is a special time–a remembrance of the nativity and the reason behind the giving of gifts, a gathering of family, friends and neighbors wishing each other good tidings. This is a time for wassailing and spiked eggnog. But, for the children, it is a time for sugar plum fairies dancing in their heads in anticipation of the big night when Santa arrives with the special gifts they have written about. These gifts are…

Christmas Conspiracy

May 12, 2016

The scheme forged by Obama and Monsanto, months ago, Was carpet bombing cities with A chemical, aglow, To wash away all prudence so We’d spend like drunken thieves And lift up the economy So everyone believes That old Saint Nick is flush with cash And Christmas woes are gone, Our common sense all modified Like grasses in our lawn, So all of our resistance to The lure of Yuletide shelves Would disappear like magic and We’d spend like eggnogged elves And celebrate Black Friday as Though prudence never lurked (Forgetting that election day Was solid proof it worked)! Related posts:…

On the Refrigerator Door

May 12, 2016

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am…

Big Bird Protests

May 12, 2016

The Excentric World Really Big Story staff take a close look at the most recent protest to flare up at a university in the United States. On the heels of the election and the debates, characters from Sesame Street hit the streets to alert Congress that they won’t stand around like puppets on a string while federal funding is slashed so millionaires can keep more of their ill-gotten booty. Statistics show that children who watch Public Television grow up displaying a higher aptitude than those who are confined to sugar coated cereal sponsored cartoons–unless the cartoons were from the varietal works…

Gossip

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “None are so fond of secrets as those who do not mean to keep them.” — Charles Caleb Colton “Even doubtful accusations leave a stain behind them.” — Thomas Fuller “Gossip is always a personal confession either of malice or imbecility.” — Josiah Gilbert Holland “What people say behind your back is your standing in the community.” —…

Why You Should Vote . . .

May 12, 2016

OUT OF CLOSET INTO JAIL NEWS: Uganda’s parliamentary speaker said she wanted to pass as a “Christmas gift” for Ugandans an anti-gay law, which rights groups have criticized for its draconian penalties against homosexuals. The bill had initially proposed the death penalty for gays in the conservative east African country but still presents an array of jail terms for convicted homosexuals, including life imprisonment in certain circumstances. With 60% of Ugandans being Catholic, everyone is nervous. SUPREME VOTING RIGHTS NEWS: The world’s greatest democracy was laden with long lines, misinformation and voter suppression during the 2012 elections. It proved to…

More Thoughts To Ponder–Or Not!

May 12, 2016

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at…

Laws of the Universe

May 12, 2016

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: Dial a wrong number; you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If…

Astrology for the Weak

Horoscopes for January 13-19, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You are getting back into the dating scene and seeking advice from your friends. They will tell you to just be yourself. I suggest you be someone interesting instead. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Careful what you wish for. After complaining about your paycheck, your boss may agree that your pay doesn’t match your work skills and cut your pay in half. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will come under attack by a person wrapped in roast beef. You’ll protect yourself by slathering your body with mayonnaise and waving white bread. CANCER…

Horoscopes for January 6-12, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Dreams do come true. If you’re doubtful, trust your antennae and wait. Of course, people will tend to stare at you if you attach aluminum foil for better reception. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ ll be bitten by the travel bug in January. Unfortunately, it will be venomous and force you to stay close to home and drink yucky tasting green liquids. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You begin the New Year with more money than expected. Surprisingly, many of your Christmas gift included receipts, making them easy to return for cash….

Horoscopes for December 30, 2012-January 5, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will develop a craving for fish and peas this month. Knowing that those are favorites of Santa’s elves makes one pause to wonder if you make toys for a living. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will peek at the gifts under the tree looking for that special gift from Santa. You’ll switch some of the tags and end up with your mom’s underwear, again. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be asked to come up with your special Sedona name now that you have lived there for a year. “Works…

Horoscopes for December 23-29

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Take deep, controlled breaths if you are stuck trying to explain something kind of simple to someone who is also kind of simple–like the facts of life to your spouse. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Stars forecast that your subconscious is working overtime this month. Pay close attention to the signals it is sending, especially when it comes to hair removal. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You need to evaluate your goals and put together a list of your top priorities. With holiday season upon us, sorting your sock and underwear drawer…

Horoscopes for December 16-22, 2012

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You’re an activator, an instigator, maybe even an agitator trying to convince a certain someone that your way’s the best way. Unfortunately, they’re not buying it. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’re hoping to celebrate as you work to expand your mind. Sadly, your waistline is expanding at a more rapid rate, holding your mind hostage on the couch. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your hopes and desires come into play this December — and the stars favor a risk. Stand under the mistletoe at work until someone comes along who will…

Horoscopes for December 9-15, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, melodramatic complications can come from people close to you. It would be best to keep your distance, or wear one of those surgical mask thingies. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You may feel as though it is impossible to combine your desires with what is good for you. You know – if it’s fattening, looks good or feels good, you can’t have it. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You decked your halls, sang carols door-to-door, gave away cookies to friends and co-workers. All that’s left is to smile when you unwrap…

Horoscopes for December 2-8, 2012

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You’re an activator, an instigator, maybe even an agitator trying to convince a certain someone that your way’s the best way. Unfortunately, they’re not buying it. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’re hoping to celebrate as you work to expand your mind. Sadly, your waistline is expanding at a more rapid rate, holding your mind hostage on the couch. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your hopes and desires come into play this December — and the stars favor a risk. Stand under the mistletoe at work until someone comes along who will…

Horoscopes for November 25-December 1, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, take into account what’s going on in your partner’s life, and don’t get too mad. Try to think about how you’d react if you had to put up with you. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Your life will become so fast-paced that you pass by opportunities never noticing that they were even there. Funny, usually it’s opportunities passing you by. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Later this month, after days of working like crazy, you’ll be the happy recipient of some wonderful attention from the person you love most in the…