Stealing Not Done by Clown
CRIME WAVE NEWS: Ronald MacDonald, an employee at a Manchester, N. H. Wendy’s Restaurant has been charged with stealing money from a safe. The 22-year-old MacDonald was detained at the store until police arrived after the crime was witnessed and reported by the manager. The sad part is the local paper felt it necessary to say he wasn’t related to Ronald McDonald, the clown. INDIANA INTELLIGENT DESIGN NEWS: Indiana Police were trying to determine the origin of a runaway ostrich that led officers on chase through neighborhood streets and yards. The bird eluded officers in St. John for about two…
Hold Up!
CRIME NEWS: A robber who used a rusty pitchfork to stick up a South Carolina bank got away– and so far, finding him has been like looking for a needle in a haystack. The man, wearing sunglasses and a mask, entered Security Federal Bank and threatened employees with the 4-foot-long rusty pitchfork. The man took an undisclosed amount of money. The robber dropped the farm tool as the man got into a white van driven by a woman. No customers were in the bank during the holdup, and no one was injured. Locals are calling the event the American Gothic…
Alternatives
BUSINESS NEWS: The value of Taser Company stock has been lost because of increasingly negative news coverage of the Taser gun, which uses 50,000 volts to stun its victims. There has been a heavy focus on incidents where suspects died after the gun was used on them. Taser contracted pathologist, Dr. Cyril Wecht, to review the cases and issue an independent opinion that other factors, such as drugs, caused the 40 so-called in-custody Taser-caused deaths. ALTERNATIVE REMEDIES NEWS: A new Excentric survey of adult Americans found that 36% of us use some kind of alternative or complementary therapy. The number…
Imprisoning
CRIME NEWS: One year ago, officials from Mexico City launched an ambitious crime-busting project crafted by Rudolph Giuliani. The former New York City mayor earned a $4.3 million dollar consulting fee. After implementing his strict law enforcement changes, Mexico City has seen a 28% reduction in squeegee windshield washing, a whopping 36% reduction in jay-walking and the prostitutes have relocated to a better section of the city. PRISON NEWS: The nation’s first faith-based women’s prison opened a couple of months ago near Tampa, Florida. The program combines vocational classes with worship, and creates an environment that allows and encourages self-reflection,…
Extreme Weight Loss
EXTREME DIET NEWS: A man who once weighed more than half a ton has lost 321 pounds under the care of doctors and hopes to lose 450 pounds more. Patrick Duel, 42, of Valentine, Neb., weighed 1,072 pounds when he was admitted to Sioux Falls, Avera McKennan Hospital eight weeks ago. Subway sandwich shops is looking for a new sponsor and hopes to use Duel whenever he is able to actually fit into one of their shops. GENETICS NEWS: Procrastinating monkeys were turned into workaholics using a gene treatment to block a key brain compound, researchers report. Blocking cells from…
Leash-free
POOCH CORRECT NEWS: The town of Hillsboro, Oregon has built a leash-free dog park named for Hondo, a police dog killed ten years ago chasing a suspect. A fire hydrant was painted as an American flag, as a further tribute to him. The hydrant had to be removed after a number of people complained that dogs did not respect the flag, refusing to salute and by doing what they normally do on fire hydrants. HAUTE CUISINE NEWS: Tim Janus, of New York City, has won the world burrito-eating championship by eating 10-3/4 eighteen-ounce burritos in 12 minutes. Other competitors included…
Inside The News
BIRD FLEW NEWS: A spokesman for the NJ Transit said train officials reported a dozen or so wild turkeys waiting on a station platform in Ramsey, about 20 miles northwest of New York City. A spokesman for NJ Transit said, “Clearly, they’re trying to catch a train and escape their fate.” The only question was why the birds would want to head for Suffern, NY. FONDER FODDER NEWS: Thailand has come up with yet another, seemingly unlikely way to capitalize on this globally loved, bamboo-munching animal: panda poop, turning it all into notebooks, fans, bookmarks and key chains. Now when people read stories…
Weight Loss Helper
WEIGHT LOSS NEWS: A man from Coon Rapids, Minnesota, noticed he lost a considerable amount of weight. Wanting to help his fellow man, he started offering neighbors the opportunity to freely mow his lawn to better their health. In the near future, he plans to offer a host of household chores to all of his neighbors and friends. SPACE NEWS: Discovery spotted some whitish splotches on its black right wing edge that NASA officials said appeared to be bird droppings that withstood Florida thunderstorms, a mighty launch and a burst upward through Earth’s atmosphere. Perhaps NASA engineers could use the…
Little Sentence for Little Man
LITTLE LEGAL NEWS: A Nebraska judge said a 5-foot-1 man convicted of sexually assaulting a child was too small to survive in prison, and gave him 10 years of probation instead. A drastic rise in serious crimes committed by “little people” in the state of Nebraska is expected. HIGH FASHION NEWS: An Indiana high school student, a male student who has worn women’s clothes to school all year, was turned away from his high school prom because he was wearing a dress. Kevin Logan, 18, went to the West Side High School prom on Friday in a slinky fuchsia gown…
Illegal Immigration Protests
ILLEGAL ALIEN NEWS: Widespread demonstrations broke out across America recently protesting the huge number of illegal immigrants from Canada entering this country illegally and taking high-paying jobs like radio announcers, actors and television anchors away from nearly qualified Americans. MORE PROTEST NEWS: Homeless people from major cities in the United States have moved from the sidewalks and allies to the streets to complain about the poor treatment being given to packages by uncaring delivery personnel. More and more cardboard collected has been found damaged and unusable as a decent shelter. ABSTINENCE NEWS: According to a Harvard University study, 52 percent…
Key Lime Pie Battle
LEGAL NEWS: A Florida state legislator who was locked in a fierce battle over making key lime pie Florida’s official pie has given up. Rep. Dwight Stansel, a pecan farmer, lobbied for pecan pie to be chosen. He later gave in to public sentiment and key lime pie is now the official pie of Florida. Arizona legislators are rumored to be considering lemons as the state fruit, but are still arguing over who should pick them. MODERN MORALITY NEWS: At two Rolling Hills Consolidated Library branches in Savannah and St. Joseph, Missouri, a children’s book about two male penguins that…
Sheepish Sex Offender
SEX CRIME NEWS: In Battle Creek MI, a man who pleaded no contest to a sodomy charge involving a sheep says he should not have to register as a sex offender. Police said Jeffrey S. Haynes had sex with a sheep at a Bedford Township farm. The animal’s owner caught him on the property and the sheep was found injured. Haynes claims he is harmless, but the prosecutor says he was just trying to pull the wool over their eyes. SOBER SINGER NEWS: Hanoi, Vietnam – Karaoke bars in Vietnam will no longer be allowed to sell or have alcohol…
Aggravated Robbery
CREATIVE CRIME NEWS: A man who robbed a New Zealand bank recently was so disappointed with his haul he tried again–this time by phone, Wellington police said. Authorities traced the calls and arrested a man, charging him with aggravated robbery and demanding money with menace. He got the idea from the Psychic Predictions Hot Line. PRENUPTIAL BLUES NEWS: A 38-year-old man stood in flames on a 10-foot platform in Grants Pass, Ore., July 4th before plunging into a pool. After emerging from the water unscathed, he dropped down on one knee and proposed to his girlfriend. Obviously also lacking the…
Energy Crisis
MORE OUTSOURCING NEWS: According to a high source in the U.S. Department of Justice, nearly undetectable counterfeit $100 bills are being made in North Korea, and counterfeit cigarettes and U.S. postage stamps are being made in China for import into the United States. Counterfeiters with American citizenship have filed a formal complaint. FAST FOOD BUNGLED BURGLARY NEWS: According to a report in the Ann Arbor News, a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilante, Michigan around 5 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk explained that he couldn’t open the register without a food order. When the…
Loch Ness Laps Stunt
NESSIE NEWS: One lap of Loch Ness was barely tolerable, but two more proved too much for a group of nude swimmers who surrendered to bad weather. The four men and two women, taking turns of an hour each, began their charity stunt at night and completed their first 23-mile lap the following morning. That was all, as temperatures sank and winds rose. According to monitors and observers the temperature and winds weren’t the only things sinking and rising. BOOK NEWS: Six Wisconsin library administrators have produced a sexy calendar they are selling to raise money for their libraries. Five…
Assassination Confusion
TELEVANGELIST NEWS: Pat Robertson, CEO of the 700 Club television station in Virginia Beach, was quoted as saying he endorsed the assassination of Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, claiming the dictator supported both the spread of Communism and Muslim extremism. Later, he backslid and claimed to be misunderstood, saying he meant the tyrant should be “taken out,” which could have a variety of meanings, like kidnapping him, taking him out for dinner and a movie or taking him out for a walk. As usual, the media was behind the confusion. GOING POSTAL NEWS: Thomas Shaheen, 49, of suburban Springfield Township, who…
Lottery Offense
LAW ENFORCEMENT NEWS: A winner of the Arizona Lottery has been convicted of a federal offense, and was sentenced to prison for 10 years or 1 week each month for 42 years. MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH NEWS: Scientists in South Korea recently announced that, on the heels of cloning human tissue, they have been able to create artificial human sperm. This development will probably be of particular interest to married American males who are often either too tired or too lazy to create their own or are busy watching a sporting event. SPREADING GOSSIP NEWS: Some people don’t believe in repeating gossip,…
Congressional Wins
NATIONAL LEGISLATION NEWS: Congress has been unable to agree on a budget, direct Social Security reform, solve the Medicaid dilemma or protect our borders. However, in emergency sessions, they have succeeded in exposing the steroid use in sports and making sure credit card companies collected from people out of work and forced to file bankruptcy, proving, once again, we have the very best government that money can buy. AUTOMOBILE SAFETY NEWS: A recent study conducted by the National Academy of Sciences should be of interest to those drivers who claim to buy SUVs purely for safety reasons. The results of…
Biggest Task in America
ECONOMIC RECOVERY NEWS: Economists say that when the dollar is weak, meaning it’s losing value compared to other currencies, one benefit is that more American products can be sold overseas. Now, the biggest task for American manufacturers is to find a way to sell more products in America. EDUCATION NEWS: The latest trend in modern education is tutoring 2 and 3-year-olds for preschool. Next will come surrogate potty training followed by substitute breast feeding. END OF THE WORLD NEWS: According to Harvard University scientists, a dying star lurking dangerously close to Earth is on the brink of exploding into a…
Sex Equals Happiness
JOB SATISFACTION NEWS: According to scientists in England, leaders in the field of “happiness economics,” increasing sex frequency in marriage from once a month to weekly provides as much happiness as a $50,000 a year raise. Also, a lasting marriage is the equivalent of $100,000 annually. So, if you spend too much time at the office trying to get a raise, you’re better off leaving early and doing business with your spouse. STATISTICAL NEWS: A new study shows that about 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot, with a margin of error of around + or –…
Wife Carrying Champion
SPORTING NEWS: John Farra, a former Olympic skier, won the North American Wife Carrying Championship at Sunday River, Maine last month. His first-place finish earned him and his 110-pound wife Tess her weight in beer and five times her weight in cash, or $550. Sedona considered such an event, but found no man who could lift his wife, never mind carry her. MORE SPORTING NEWS: A 62-year-old retired accountant from Nevada swallowed 247 peppers in eight minutes to win the Jalapeno Eating World Championship at the State Fair of Texas in Dallas. Richard LeFevre won $2,000 for prevailing in the…
Terrorism Creativity
TERRORISM CREATIVITY NEWS: The chairman of the Judiciary subcommittee on terrorism, technology and homeland security, said that terrorists could unleash electromagnetic bombs that would damage our vital electrical systems. He warned that an e-bomb attack could devastate the nation. This warning will create a nation of chaos with massive panic among Americans unless they realize that terrorists can’t create imaginary weapons as fast as we can create imaginary defenses against them. EDUCATION NEWS: Students at an Ivy League university were asked to write an essay that contained four subjects: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The student who got an A+ wrote…
Laser Achievement
NUCLEAR DEFENSE NEWS: The U.S. Air Force has tested an infrared chemical laser meant to shoot down launch-phase enemy missiles from a modified 747 airliner. The test wasn’t airborne; it was in a hangar at Edwards Air Force Base, and it didn’t actually shoot anything down, but one of the contractors said it was an exceptional achievement. The project has been in progress since before 1988 when Dr. Angelo Codevilla, a staff member of the U.S. Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, declared the chemical laser ready to deploy. BANK ROBBERY NEWS: Thieves responsible for the $42 million heist in Belfast,…
Side Effects
PRESCRIPTION NEWS: People suffering from chronic headaches, nausea, diarrhea, gas or dizziness may finally find relief in a medical cure-all. The only drawbacks of the new pill, available only by prescription, are the side effects: headaches, nausea, diarrhea, gas or dizziness. LAW ENFORCEMENT NEWS: A thirty-year-old Arizona lottery winner has been convicted of a felony and sentenced to 10 years in state prison or 1 day a week for 70 years. ENTREPRENEURIAL NEWS: Due to the fact that their machines only accept quarters, coin-operated laundries, car washes and amusement devices in Utah were forced to raise prices from $1.25 to…
Cheeky Creations
CRACK NEWS: Outside of class and under an alter ego, the self-proclaimed artist, Stephen Murmer, a fun, popular art teacher, creates floral and abstract art by plastering his posterior and genitals with paint and pressing them against canvas. His cheeky creations sell for hundreds of dollars. This has not gone over well with Chesterfield County school officials, who placed him on administrative leave from his job in Richmond, VA. Monacan High could soon be the butt of many jokes. SPACE NEWS: Using a gold-plated 6-iron, Russian cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin hit a golf ball into orbit from a platform on the…
Intoxicating License Plate
DRY STATE NEWS: Merlot can be a variety of grape or a type of red wine, but not an acceptable personalized license plate in the state of Utah. The Utah Tax Commission told the owner that he had to remove it because the state doesn’t allow words of intoxication to be used on vanity plates. Someone should tell the Utah Tax Commission that Merlot also is a variety of grape, originating in southern France and Italy. Snitching drivers are now on the lookout for the plates Muskat, Champagne and Concord. ANIMAL LOVING NEWS: A man from Flushing, Michigan is loving…
Bugs: The Other, Other White Meat
Inside the News DYSFUNCTIONAL POLITICS NEWS: Three members of a Michigan city council have abstained from voting on a measure that would have prevented them from abstaining on future votes. Two council members voted yes, and two voted no. With the three abstaining from voting on abstaining, the motion failed. This is what happens when the public abstains from voting. We get the best politicians money can buy. GOT YOUR GOAT NEWS: A goat, possibly headed to slaughter, made a daring escape into traffic on a busy highway in New Jersey. The animal managed to evade Jersey City police officers…
Elvis Everywhere
THE KING-SIGHTED-AGAIN NEWS: Rock collector LaDell Alexander, 60, of Estes Park, CO, has found a stone she swears has the face of Elvis Presley on it. You don’t have to think Elvis is everywhere to see it: A pattern on the rock resembles a human head with dark hair and the king of rock’s trademark muttonchop sideburns. Of course, it resembled him during his heavy, drug influenced days, lowering its potential value on eBay. LAW & ORDER NEWS: Love blossomed in a trial last year between alternate juror No. 3 and juror No. 6. The two made goo-goo eyes on…
The World’s Oldest Living Person
GUINNESS AGE NEWS: The world’s oldest living person, Japan’s Jiroemon Kimura, celebrated his 116th birthday in April with congratulations from around the world and from Japan’s prime minister. Also living in Japan is the world’s oldest woman at 115 years of age. When asked how he was feeling, Mr. Kimura said repeatedly, “nanigoto?” or “What?” GONE TO THE DOGS NEWS: A new television series is scheduled to air on Nat GEO about devoted pet owners who go above and beyond spoiling their pets. It will feature doggies who no only wear one-of-a-kind sweaters, but have their own psychics. You may…
Drug Possession on Horseback
GIDDY UP NEWS: A woman who went for a horseback ride through Sylvania, Alabama allegedly used the horse to ram a police car and was charged with driving under the influence and drug offenses. The woman was charged with DUI for allegedly riding the horse under the influence of a controlled substance. She was also charged with drug possession, possession of drug paraphernalia, resisting arrest, assault, attempting to elude police and cruelty to animals. She plans to use the horse’s ass defense. A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME NEWS: Metallica may be a cool name for a heavy metal band,…
