October 20, 2021

First Family To Go To Moon Soon … by Blodwyn Smythe

With just days before Halloween, a month before Thanksgiving, yet still another month to go before revelers get to shout, “Merry Christmas,” becuase Americans know that wishing people “Happy Holidays” or “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” is totally unacceptable in the new Trumpian World, formerly the United States of America, scuttlebut is leaking from the White House that the Trumps are planning an extended vacation out of this world – the likes of which no one has ever witnessed. Someone was even rumored to have been concked on the head for writing, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on…

Headlines: The Year is 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States. Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Jihadist dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya and Afghanistan). France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but…

They Should’ve Run Out of Names, Already

With all the new models of cars, SUVs and trucks that have been introduced lately, I’m surprised they haven’t run out of names. I wonder if the various vehicle manufacturers have committees just for naming new models? Dodge has de facto reserved the ‘D’ models: Durango, Daytona, Dakota, etc. and Toyota has its Tundra and Tacoma (even though I think it should have been Tundra and Lightning.) I don’t know how they ever let Tahoe and Trooper get away. This makes me realize how smart Ford was when they latched on to the ‘Ex’ names. No other manufacturer is going…

Android Orphans

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I watched a little girl, this week, Sit, staring at her dad– A precious time together that Seemed nothing less than sad. They sat across a table at A trendy coffee place– Her father, with his slick, new phone Held up, before his face. The little girl was waiting with Wide, patient eyes that smiled In hopeful expectation that Her daddy missed, beguiled By digital distractions on That bright, seductive screen, While daddy’s girl sat, pleading with Adoring eyes, unseen By yet another parent who Believes their love is clear, While android-orphan children wait A day,…

Useful Military Warnings

“Aim towards the Enemy.” Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” U.S. Army magazine “Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop “If the enemy is in range, so are you.” Infantry Journal “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”…

Literary Award

These are the ten winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel… #10 As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it. #9 Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens. #8 With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed the lustrous thick, brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description….

Intelligent Life on Jupiter?

Q: I read about a new robotic submarine being developed by NASA to explore the oceans of one of Jupiter’s moons. This submarine is on test at the moment in a lake in Texas. Finding life elsewhere in the solar system would be a vital bolster to the Panspermia theory, the theory that intelligent life came from another planet or solar system. Do you think they’ll find intelligent life on Jupiter? A: Who knows? I’m amazed they found intelligent life in Texas. Q: My brother told me about a man who was contracted by the Department of Natural Resources to…

Reports on Hospitality Hauntings

Q: I live in Louisiana. Recently, I have read where some of our state’s bed and breakfasts are haunted. As if we haven’t had our fair share of disturbing news in the past few years, I am left to wonder if now our tourist industry may suffer from this latest tidbit. Any reports on hospitality hauntings? A: Near Sedona, in Jerome, there is the Jerome Grand Hotel. While not a bed and breakfast, it is haunted. Business is booming. Perhaps their ghosts help bring in visitors. Rumor is many of the apparitions are prostitutes.   Q: On a stretch of…

Horoscopes for April 28-May 4, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April/May is a good time for a career change. CEO of any business should guarantee a huge salary, bonus, perks and put you in a cushy off-shore tax bracket. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will discover you have an affinity for small, furry things. Due to your extreme display of affection, it would be best to start out with inanimate objects. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will run into someone from your distant past. After they fully recover from their injuries and pay their hospital bills, you can try to catch…

Lesser Known May Holidays

May 1 is . . . Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day May 2 is . . . Fire Day May 3 is . . . Lumpy Rug Day May 4 is . . . National Candied Orange Peel Day May 5 is . . . National Hoagie Day May 6 is . . . Beverage Day May 7 is . . . International Tuba Day and National Roast Leg of Lamb Day May 8 is . . . No Socks Day and Have A Coke Day May 9 is . . . Lost Sock Memorial Day May…

Politically Correct Guys & Gals

1. She is not a Babe or Chick – She is a Breasted American. 2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner – She is Vocally Appreciative. 3. She is not Easy – She is Horizontally Accessible. 4. She is not Dumb – She is a Detour Off The Information Highway. 5. She has not Been Around – She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion. 6. She is not an Air Head – She is Reality Impaired. 7. She does not get Drunk – She gets Chemically Inconvenienced. 8. She has not had Breast Augmentation – She is Medically Enhanced. 9….

Loud Thump

Q:  I recently read an article about a restaurant that was haunted. There were reports of odd voices, doors opening and closing on their own, and a bathroom faucet that turns itself on. While in her office one day, the manager heard a loud thump from the kitchen. She investigated and found a large box of plastic wrap on the floor far from where it was placed. Could a former employee be causing these anomalies? A: Could be. It could also be the ghost of a person who ate there and got food poisoning and is looking for a little…

Keep America Beautiful

Many of you 50 and older are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. You’re unsure about the kind of image you are projecting, and whether or not you are correct as you try to conform to the fashions that the designers inflict upon the world. So here are the results of a study of the situation. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and a bald spot 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirt and…

Life’s Little Philosophies

1. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often. 3. Going to a church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. It isn’t the jeans that make your butt look fat. 5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9….

Americans with No Abilities Act Passes

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Congress quietly approved sweeping legislation which provides new benefits for millions of Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), expected to be signed into law by the president shortly after inauguration, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the hordes of Americans who lack any real working skills or ambition. “Roughly 25 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said an unidentified congressman and longtime AWNAA supporter. “This is why many of them vote for me term after…

Xtra Special Horoscopes for April 21-28, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, you are able to do a million things at once. While that truly is a very rare skill, indeed, there is no indication you will perform any of these tasks well. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are fun. You are bright. You are fun and bright. You are quick. You are enthusiastic. You are quick and enthusiastic. You are confused. You are Aquarius. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This is a good time to figure out who you are by putting yourself in new situations and see how you…

Hot Videos This Week

How Animals Eat Their Food… Over 44 million views. See if you can keep a straight face. Vaseline High Five… Slimy prank of the week. Bubba’s Hover Golf Cart… Taking golf carts to a whole new level. Russian Cat and Vaccuum Cleaner… Strange, but cute, cat behavior.   Stars Wars Retold by Someone Who Hasn’t Seen It… A retelling of the Star Wars Trilogy like you’ve never heard it before. [fwvvw id=2809991] Then hit the Back button to return and let us know which video was your favorite.   Related posts: A Week at the Gym

Decorating Differences Between the Sexes

If ever there was an area in which guys and girls are different, it’s decorating! Women were born to decorate room after room after room in their houses and to talk about it incessantly with their girlfriends. Guys were born to pay for all the decorating the women want to do and to keep their mouths shut about it or at most murmur an occasional, “Yes, dear.” This tradition has been in place since the creation of men and women. Way back in the days of the cave men, the wife would go out and find just the right shade…

4-D Printers

by Doug Rabbit Sutherland ‘Ol Bernie Madoff would be proud! He really would!  It’s true! Because I’ve hatched a jail-proof scheme Who’s time is clearly due! We charlatans of noble stripe Have one stone in our sling: To stay one step ahead of folks Obsessed with “The Next Thing!” Now, 3-D printers, as you know, Have galvanized the world. So, what would be the next big thing That begs to be unfurled? Why, 4- printers!  Clear as day! And, I have them in stock! And, for a measly hundred grand You’ll be first on your block To copy things that…

The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many different gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and, being a typical man, I didn’t bother to stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently left, as the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they…

Husbands & Wives

Continuing with the husbands understanding their wives theme, our super crack Excentric World investigators look at the odd ways in which men choose to communicate their feelings. While it is doubtful that the owner of this Volkswagen Golf is a man, as most men would leave this vehicle for their wives to drive while they zip around town in the coupe, it is certain some maladjusted male, with decent printing skills and a finger most likely wiped on the side of his pants, scrawled this message onto the back of this SUV. Choosing to express his innermost feelings about his…

Four by Four?

Was I sleeping or out of town when they changed the definition of the term “4×4”? I first wondered about this when a few years ago I noticed an all-wheel drive, one-ton “dually” pick-up  with “4×4” painted on the flared rear fender that is so distinctive of the breed. At first I thought that I was mistaken or the owner had transplanted a fender from a different truck, but then I saw another one a few days later. Not long after that I noticed another manufacturer had it painted on the tailgate. Finally, the last of the three U.S. truck…

Ghost Activity at Fort Knox

Q: I heard that SyFy Channel’s “Ghost Hunter” show has concluded there’s some “serious activity” going on at Fort Knox on the Penobscot River in Prospect, Maine. The show’s stars roamed the fortress with equipment searching for evidence of paranormal activity. They didn’t see any ghosts, but picked up unexplained readings. They also heard breathing noises and footsteps that couldn’t be explained. Are ghosts protecting the gold? A: What gold? This is Fort Knox, Maine, not Kentucky, you twit. The only gold here is in people’s teeth.   Q: I read where the “Japanese Bigfoot” is commonly referred to as…

Horoscopes for April 14-20, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April showers bring May flowers, but in your case April will also bring long mental lapses, during which things will occur that you can deny any memory of. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This is a good time to show everyone how to celebrate Easter. Place the eggs in plain sight to avoid children on spring break picking up any bunny droppings. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month you will decide to change careers. Of course, some may not consider volunteering to walk the Humane Society of Sedona dogs a career. CANCER…

Out of the Mouths of Kids

The following are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children in 5th and 6th grade in Ohio: “Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don’t really understand. The English and French still have problems.” “Queen Elizabeth was the ‘Virgin Queen.’ As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah!” and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.” “It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and…

Accessories for the Designated Driver

Excentric World staff members look at the effects of driving under the influence. The driver of this this vehicle reminds herself that drinking and driving don’t go together, except as an occasional accessory. More and more bar hoppers are appointing one of their own as a designated driver. This person enjoys not only watching their friends make blithering spectacles of themselves throughout the night, but is empowered to drop them off at their respective homes. Stories about letting them off at the wrong houses have made the designated driver the favorite of parties and bars. Who says staying sober can’t…

Tinkerbell’s Dilemma

Dear Frankly, I’m dating a guy with Peter Pan Syndrome. He’s got a heart as big as a mountain and always has a kind word for everyone, no matter their faults or failings. The problem is he is in his 30’s, has never been married and acts like a boy with a new toy every time we make love. While I’m enjoying this infatuation now, I’m afraid I’ll tire of the naivete and end up hurting his feelings. Should I keep my emotions close to avoid what seems to be the inevitable? Compassionate Clara Dear Compassionate, I doubt he will…

Inside the Anthill

Sitting on the porch the other day watching the clouds roll by, I felt something tickling my leg. There was an ant making his way up my lego. Not wanting to appear rude by just brushing him off or smashing him to a pulp, I said, “Hi there, Mr. Ant. Where are you going in such a hurry?” Imagine my surprise when he answered me, “Oh, hello. I’m looking for ant food. You don’t happen to have any ant food, do you?” “Well,” I replied, “now that you mention it, I don’t even know what ants eat.” He stared straight…

Stupidity

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “I wash my hands of those who imagine chattering to be knowledge, silence to be ignorance, and affection to be art.” — Kahlil Gibran “There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.” — Johann von Goethe “Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education.” — Bertrand Russell “The doorstep to the temple of…

You Are Only Old As You…

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” A woman was sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist. She noticed his DDS certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in her high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that she had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face…