July 24, 2021

First Family To Go To Moon Soon … by Blodwyn Smythe

With just days before Halloween, a month before Thanksgiving, yet still another month to go before revelers get to shout, “Merry Christmas,” becuase Americans know that wishing people “Happy Holidays” or “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” is totally unacceptable in the new Trumpian World, formerly the United States of America, scuttlebut is leaking from the White House that the Trumps are planning an extended vacation out of this world – the likes of which no one has ever witnessed. Someone was even rumored to have been concked on the head for writing, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on…

Signs of Things to Come

Our Excentric World staff members take a look at the signs of things to come. Taking the lead from politicians who  refuse to compromise their ideological  blueprint stamped into their psyche from their limited education and experience, this doggie decided the best way to deal with the restrictions of regulations was to remove the obstacle preventing the sharing of opinions with colleagues.   Related posts: An Editorial from Excentric World The C C ‘n R’s

Strange Combinations

Some things just go together naturally–like peanut butter and jelly, Abbot and Costello, wine and cheese, and movies and popcorn. Lately I’ve become aware of a number of things that you wouldn’t expect to find paired up. I thought you’d enjoy hearing about some of them. Several years ago at the “Skippy Research Institute,” scientists crossed an elephant with peanut butter. This union produced two types of offspring. One was peanut butter with a long memory. The other was an elephant that stuck to the roof of your mouth. Cotton is combined with many other fibers to produce fabrics that…

Can I Trust My Husband?

Dear Frankly, I’ve been married for two years to a man I dated for five years. He recently quit his job and decided to buy and sell investment property. He has asked me to hand over my inherited savings and my daughter’s education fund for his speculations so he can “make some serious money.” He’s never helped with the bills, and apparently doesn’t intend to. He drives a car I bought him and lives in my house. He doesn’t even take out the garbage! Can I trust him? Doubting Doris Dear Doubting, I can’t believe you didn’t figure out what…

An Editorial from Excentric World

For more than 24 years, this paper has never used its position in the community to pontificate on any serious topic except to satirize it or hide it within the satire. Today, I make an exception due to the anger pervading in our country over the slaughter of innocents versus the individual rights defined in the 1st and 2nd Amendments to the Constitution of the United States. The initiative to draft papers representing a Union began when the Federal Convention convened in the State House (Independence Hall) in Philadelphia on May 14, 1787 to revise the Articles of Confederation. By June, it was clear…

Great Inventions!

by Joseph G. Evrard Staff Kentuckian Any discussion of great inventions will probably include things like the automobile, the airplane, the transistor and the bikini. All of these inventions were possible because of the work of previous inventors. Without the invention of rubber, it would have been impossible to make tires, so in order to invent the automobile, somebody had to first invent rubber. In like manner, the invention of the transistor depended on the earlier invention of the silicon chip upon which the transistor is manufactured. Similarly, the success of the bikini depended upon silicon (in the form of…

The Life of People Stricken with Capgras’ Syndrome

Q: Imagine, if you will, that one by one your friends and family (the people closest to you) are being removed and replaced with exact duplicates. Although they are identical in appearance and manner, you are certain that these people are not your loved ones. While most people would become deeply paranoid in such a scenario, there are some individuals who experience such things every day without fear… and just wonder, why? Such is the life of people stricken with Capgras’ Syndrome. Are you faliliar with this? A: Of course. But then, how do I know you are who you…

Horoscopes for February 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month you’ll express your love for a musical instrument. Unfortunately, for friends and neighbors, your choice of instrument is the Diatonic button accordion. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be pleasantly surprised when you buy a Babushka doll at a garage sale, and later discover another doll inside, and another and another and another. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will suffer a fit of extreme paranoia in the dentist’s chair after realizing you wore different colored socks. Your dentist is laughing at you under that mask. CANCER (June 21 –…

FOOTBALL DEBATE…by Will Durst

Got an embarrassing admission here. Was scheduled to summarize the Democratic candidates debate last week but also had a deadline about the opening of the football season, and they kind of got mixed up together. Don’t you hate it when two things vie for your attention at the same time? Must be what’s making Donald Trump so irascible. Of course, when you get right down to it, the two do have quite a bit in common. Both politics and football are sports that don’t finish until there’s blood on the field. You cannot comment on either one without your trusty…

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

Harold was going fishing. He had looked forward to it for a long time. He finally took a day off and he was going. He didn’t bother to get up early. He had all day to take it slow, easy, and relax. His equipment was already in the boat, left there since his last trip. All that remained was to add ice and beer to the cooler, pack some sandwiches, and hook the boat trailer to the pick-up. Ready to go, he went inside to say good-bye to his wife. “Did you open the garage door?” she asked. That was…

Bet the Better

Dear Frankly, I am the wife of a compulsive gambler. He didn’t start out that way, but in the past four or five years he has become hooked on betting on everything from professional sports to our kid’s soccer matches. Friends are afraid to show up at sporting events in fear he will approach them. How can I stop him? It would be easier if he was losing money, but he has won enough to recently buy me new car. Worried Wife Dear Worried, I like that you waited to get a new car before writing to get him help…

The Sirens and the Titans

It’s February. That means just one thing. It’s Stupor Bowl time. It wasn’t always this way. When I was a kid, the Stupor Bowl was in January. But that was before football—the American kind where they wear lots of pads, a helmet with a face mask and spend an inordinate amount of time touching one another—became a ‘big deal.” It was a time before they had sixteen teams to sort through before we knew who was playing. I don’t know if any of you were around in 1967, but I remember the first Stupor Bowl. The two teams got there…

The Bond Between a Man and His Hats

The other day my wife suggested that I discard a hat that I have owned for some time. Her exact words were, “How can you stand to put that grubby thing on your head? You have seventy-three hats, sixty-nine of which you’ve never worn. Get rid of it.” Obviously, she does not know the bond between a man and his hats. They’re actually caps, but I call them hats, because you put a cap on toothpaste, and you put a hat on your head. There’s a big difference (unless it’s a ball cap). A man needs only six hats: One…

From the Back Pew . . .

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair…

The C C ‘n R’s

Many of us live in complexes or communities that are governed by a thin layer of bureaucracy referred to as a homeowners association.  Most associations use a set of rules and regulations as a guideline for making decisions about our everyday lives. These rules are called “The C C & R’s.” According to the board of directors this stands for Covenants, Conditions & Restrictions, but I found out it really means Convoluted, Confusing & Really stupid. I will go over a few of the rules we live by and the real reasons for having them. Some of these rules may…

Animal Communication

Q:  I read an article about “animal communicators,”  a growing number of people who say they have the psychic ability to communicate telepathically with various animals. Primates, most notably Koko, a gorilla who was taught sign language and has a vocabulary of more than 600 words may serve as an example. Koko is able to articulate basic desires as what and when she wants to eat, how she “feels” about many things. Does this prove it is possible to communicate with other animals, like our pets? A: Most men don’t communicate as well as Koko about their feelings. My dog…

The Joys of Having Boys

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas… Things I’ve Learned from My Boys (honest, not  kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman…

Horoscopes for January 27-February 2, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will try to continue passing the holiday spirit along by whistling carols. Joy will come to an abrupt stop when friends and co-workers Super Glue your lips. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be approached by the authorities soon for assault with intent to cause internal harm after relatives report you for re-gifting those nasty old fruitcakes. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will emerge from a life-long doubt about the existence of Santa Claus this month. You still didn’t receive any gifts, but your roof is covered in reindeer poop….

Double DUI

DOUBLE DUI NEWS: Rhode Island State Police said a husband and wife both face charges of driving under the influence after they were stopped separately on the same night. A woman was stopped and detained for wreckless driving and then held after proving to be under the influence of alcohol. Her husband was arrested later for the same charge while driving to get her. POLYGAMY, ORIENTAL STYLE NEWS: Chinese authorities have arrested a legislator found to have four wives. A district official in the northern province of Shanxi said Li Junwen also had 10 children, and had been detained on…

Remember When People Used to Say…

(1) “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00.” (2) “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one.” (3) “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.” (4) “Did you hear the post office might charge a dime to mail a letter?” (5) “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire help.” (6) “When…

Recent Adventures on the Drinking Trail

The winter season is always one of my favorite times of the year. In the booze world, it coincides with the release of all the fantastic seasonal beverages for fall and winter, particularly in the beer world. I’ve been busy as can be personally the last several months, so it’s always nice to take a moment to relax and enjoy the simple pleasure of a good meal and a tasty beverage. To start the New Year, I’m just going to recap a few of my recent enjoyable experiences in the drinking world, some seasonal, some not, that you hopefully get…

New Winter Virus Alert!

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidotes known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to…

Real Guy Quiz Time

Have you ever looked in a “girl” magazine? They’re full of these stupid quizzes like, “Does your man really love you?” Or, “How can I tell if I’m REALLY in love?” Here, at last, is a quiz that makes sense for GUYS! 1. What does your wife/girlfriend do when you remind her that it’s goose season? (A) Launder your camouflage (B) Run to her mother’s house (C) Clean your shotgun (D) A and C 2. When your truck breaks down in the woods, do you: (A) Scream to the heavens, “Lord, why me?” (B) Start walking (C) Look in the…

Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: MONEY “Laws go where dollars please.” Portugese Proverb “Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.” Spike Milligan “To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.” G. K. Chesterton “Money is like a sixth sense, and you can’t make use…

Astrology for the Weak January 20-26, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The beginning of a new year finds your wanderlust reaching near epidemic proportions. Even a flight on Southwest cattle-call airlines sounds pretty good. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Go ahead and ask yourself the really big questions. Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Am I fulfilled? Do I feel good? Why are we all here? Then get a Happy Meal. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’ ll be in a very lovey-dovey kind of place this month. There is almost certainly going to be a little hand holding and maybe even an…

Cold is a Relative Thing

60 above zero: Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens. 50 above zero: Arizonans shiver uncontrollably. People in Duluth sunbathe. 40 above zero: Italian and English cars won’t start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down. 32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker. 20 above zero: Arizonans don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt. 15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold. Zero: People in Yuma all die. Minnesotans…

The Bible According to Johnny

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, “Gimme a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because…

Bound to Celebrate the Holidays

The Excentric World investigative team takes a look at the holiday season celebrations around the globe. While conducting a series of interviews with some military high muck-a-muck at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, regarding prisoner participation during Christmas, this photo was captured. Terrorists and other detainees were subjected to caroling and wassailing, tree trimming, kissing under the mistletoe and taking turns portraying the baby Jesus during the prison Nativity Play. Taking the place of ox and ass were flamingo and iguana, native to naval base interrogation facility. Since the U.S. Justice Department advised that the Guantanamo Bay detention camp could be considered outside U.S. legal…

Refuting Climate Change

Excentric World staff members look at the controversy behind the scientific reports of climate change. Many who refuse to accept the data compiled by some of the foremost experts on past, present and future earthly meteorological conditions have cited the strange winter wonderland conditions around the nation’s capital to debunk climate forecasts. One example used by the naysayers was this photograph of a congressional staff member frozen in time while perusing the weather pages. Some politicos have attempted to produce climate change legislation, but have been given the cold shoulder.   Related posts: Economical Ways of Going Green Dirty Children…

New Year’s Vow

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality Last year my resolution was An altruistic stiff! My self-denial I truly thought Would save us from the cliff. I ate raw grains, tofu and leaves, Which, trust me, wasn’t fun, Believing that my sacrifice Would grow your 401! But, did I do a single thing To solve our fiscal pain? And, what was I contributing To economic economic gain? The answers are as clear as fat Upon my Christmas goose: I wasn’t adding anything!— In fact, my pants got loose! And, so, this year I do resolve From thinness to break free!—…