November 29, 2023

Out of the Mouths of Kids

The following are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children in 5th and 6th grade in Ohio:

“Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don’t really understand. The English and French still have problems.”

“Queen Elizabeth was the ‘Virgin Queen.’ As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah!” and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.”

“It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.”

“Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.”

“Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.”

“The greatest writer of the Renaissance was Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, hysterectomies and comedies, all in Islamic pentameter.”

“Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.”

“Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Tomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.”

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