February 28, 2024

Horoscopes for April 28-May 4, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

April/May is a good time for a career change. CEO of any business should guarantee a huge salary, bonus, perks and put you in a cushy off-shore tax bracket.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You will discover you have an affinity for small, furry things. Due to your extreme display of affection, it would be best to start out with inanimate objects.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will run into someone from your distant past. After they fully recover from their injuries and pay their hospital bills, you can try to catch up on lapsed time.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Your pride in being an outdoor enthusiast will drive you to establish the world’s first javelina calling contest. “Here peccary, peccary.”

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Venus and Mars are all out of alignment this month, resulting in Leo’s inevitable emotional collision with chaos and periodic random acts of mindlessness.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

After long overdue physicals, your doctor will recommend your entire family start an aerobic exercise regime. You will form a virtual dodge ball team.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You’ll imagine you are being followed by the traveling gnome – that little ceramic guy on the TV ads. You’ll tire of his antics and smash him to imaginary pieces.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Friends will try to talk with you about the fourth dimension. Unfortunately, you are living in a three-dimensional world with a one-dimensional imagination.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Your congregation will assemble by the creek to experience the age old tradition of feet washing. Someone with really sharp toenails tests the faith of the wounded.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You will spend a good part of this month trying to discover the difference between high anxiety, vertigo and tower angst. The confusion has you spinning in circles.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You may experience a strong sense of karma – what goes around, comes around. This will keep you ducking and dodging every time you throw something.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You will be beamed up into a spacecraft. They will treat you with kindness, only probing you for answers, but they’ll drop you off in Mexico, sans your passport.

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