February 28, 2024

Horoscopes for February 9-15, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

A cut lip will reveal a secret you have been able to keep for years. Someone will recognize the position of the cut on the lip smear on your Valentine’s Day card.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

The good news is you’ll finally get a job. The bad news is you’ll have to wear a dorky uniform and clap and sing goofy happy birthday songs at least twice a day.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will have a very difficult time resisting temptation in February. You’ll run and you’ll hide, but somehow temptation will find you and, again, you surrender.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You’ll strive to be in the best physical shape possible. You want to be fit as a fiddle, viral as a viola, buff as a bass and chiseled like a cello. Hey, you’re a quartet.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You try to make your mark by claiming you are a channel and inviting people to experience your transmissions. Unfortunately, you channel a cartoon character.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will notice that your skin is starting to sag in different places on your body. You will decide the best way to remove it is to eat until it is all filled in.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Coworkers will start calling you “Folger’s.” You’ll think it’s because you drink a lot of coffee, but you’ll find it’s because your body sounds like a coffee maker.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll wonder if you are coming down with the bird flu, as you suddenly find yourself with a fever and an unexplainable urge to poop on people’s windshields.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

It’s not what you say or how you say it, it’s who you say it to. Drunk at 2am, telling your neighbor’s sheep how much you love them will have consequences.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

The New Year has only just begun, our resolutions are still fresh and the sky now offers us the opportunity to bring about profound, lasting change. What a load.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This month could turn out to be the best month of the year for romance. Valentine’s Day looks promising, if you are lucky enough to get the right person drunk.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll discover that associates from work have interesting stories to share. Too bad they’re stories about you and things they do to you when you’re napping.

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