April 17, 2024

Horoscopes for June 29-July 5, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16)

Work, love, life, whatever, you’re a big winner. The kind of winner everybody wants to take out to dinner and smother with kisses. No, wait, that’s last year’s.

AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11)

You are itching for a little highbrow culture. But you live in Cornville, AZ and have nothing to scratch it with since the breakup of the Cornville Symphony.

PISCES (March 20 – April 18)

The microcosm of civilization that surrounds you is starting to wear on your patience, and the idea of faces you don’t recognize sounds thrilling. Go bowling.

ARIES (April 18 – May 13)

So, you had a birthday around the time of the Rapture and lived. Aren’t you special? You should take everyone to Needles, CA to see what the end will look like.

TAURUS (May 13 – June21)

This month, you are on cloud nine and you sure like it there. How’s the view from up there, anyhow? Just remember, the fall is going to leave more than a few marks.

GEMINI (June 21 – July 20)

In due time, your bosses will notice your work and commitment. I mean, eventually, they’re bound to find all those anonymous post-its singing your praises.

CANCER (July 20 – August 10)

You might feel that you’re at the center of a perfectly functioning machine. Things look good. Then, all of a sudden there’s a power failure and, oh my, I can’t look.

LEO (August 10 – September 16)

In June, innate artistic abilities are really going to propel you into the limelight . Without notice, someone will come along and demand you erase your graffiti.

VIRGO (September 16 – October 30)

This month could be described as you displaying a series of radical ideas. But then, traveling to Pennsylvania to unveil them on a group of Amish? Come on!

LIBRA (October 30 – November 23)

You’ ll be occupied with finding containers for your wild, abstract ideas this June. Finally, a great use for all of those rinsed out plastic tubs you’ve been saving.

SCORPIO (November 23 – 29)

If you can rid yourself of unnecessary distractions, you can really head in the right direction. Of course, your family may not appreciate being labeled distractions.

OPHIUCHUS (November 29 – December 17)

You’re being pulled in a new direction by forces you can’t really understand. You know, forces like guilt, conscience, compassion, empathy, sympathy, morals.

SAGITTARIUS (December 17 – January 20)

You have got some super good energy floating around in your general vicinity this month. Try not to chase it away with the stupid things you usually do and say.

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