April 17, 2024

Horoscopes for July 13-19, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

It’s August in Arizona. Chances are great it’s going to be hot – very hot. You’ll complain as you have every year about the heat. You won’t do well in your afterlife.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

August is the perfect month for Taurus to get back together with a long lost lover. If it goes as planned, you will be together days longer than the first time.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

Things are heating up and summer nights are boring. For relief, you’ll take up skinny-dipping at the city pool. You’ll stop when you get caught – on the fence.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

To beat the heat of August, you’ll show up for work in your underwear. At first no one will notice, but after a few days someone will mention your new hairstyle.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This month, you’ll face your schizophrenia head on and play yourself a game of chess for money. After all, the old saying goes, “Two heads are better than one.”

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Tired of being the only person at the party with no artistic talent, you will proudly show off your new undertaking this month at a social gathering – body painting.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You will have a dream where you are on the ice with your favorite hockey team. You’ll wake up with a nasty taste in your mouth, realizing you were a Zamboni.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Your need to lose weight finds you drinking more than usual. You will often reach the point where your keys are taken from you and you have to walk home.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

This month you’ll apply a greater work ethic. One day, instead of showing up and sitting at your desk pretending to be thinking, you’ll actually think of something.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

August will find you wishing you were back in Michigan complaining about the lack of employment opportunities and planning your move to Arizona.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You spend a good deal of the month in denial. Some people claim that it’s a defense mechanism you always employ to prevent inner pain. You’ll flatly deny it.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Your moon is rising and Venus won’t go near Uranus. Someone’s in your Seventh House and Jupiter’s aligned with Mars. Good month to give up toenail biting.

0.00 avg. rating (0% score) - 0 votes
Leave A Comment