Newspaper Raids Looming
Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than 1000 bayonets — Napoleon Bonaparte
As one who never believes in conspiracies—not even the one about the current City Council—there is one looming that must have been created by the hand of the Devil himself though he now wears Brooks Brother’s suits. Few know where secret meetings are held, where headquarters are to be found, or who the leaders might be.
One clue: Notice how many states are wrestling with similar bills attacking nurses, conservationists, teachers, unions? Well, that’s because ALEC is slipping model legislation—and some lucre—into the hands of legislative staffers from Kennebunkport, Maine to Walla Walla, Washington. Officially called the American Legislative Exchange Council, this Big Business-controlled group refuses to be interviewed by the press, including Fixed News and even by this legendary sheet. But we do have our Deep Throats.
Now comes the irony; as much as ALEC’S members despise the press/media, a quiet campaign has begun to quietly buy up the top newspapers and convert them all to ideological sheets with news and opinions more to the liking of the fossil fuel industry.
A special Excentric Task Force has uncovered and discovered the newspapers being targeted: The Los Angeles Times, The Baltimore Sun, The Orlando Sentinel and, yes you guessed it, the very paper now in your view—at least for a little while longer.
It has been learned that the group’s goal is to erase environmental laws and reduce taxes even though they are the lowest since the 1950s. Beyond that, into public office they want to put know-nothings who refuse to even read their briefing papers. Hell, for Sedonans progress has been made on that last goal already.
Whatever—as high school students say to everything. The question bounces off the very red rocks themselves. Why would billionaire bum fogs wish to arrive in Sedona by jet, and try to purchase this noble monthly paper? After all, there is the town’s other smaller people, fat with unread ads. And down in the valley there’s the Bugle and other simple scandal sheets.
Asking again? Why the Excentric?
After hours of hard digging, it’s been learned that some of the newspaper-hungry billionaires want to meet the real Frankly Fanny herself and the only way to do that is to make an astonishingly large offer to the Excentric’s stellar Board of Directors. Of course the other reason for buying this paper is that the famous columnist will have to report to new owners who have plans to adjust her feminist leanings.
To be sure, the new owners have other plans to slim down the currently fat staff at the World Famous Sedona Excentric. The first to go, it has been learned on high authority, is Noir’s Notes. It turns out that he is not a real columnist after all but a mole secretly working for a town near the Verde River and using a different name.
Next on the list, and maybe the first to go, too is Blodwyn Smythe, senior reporter. Even now, having heard the rumors, Smythe is shopping for another job as a speech therapist. Incoming new owners have decided that Smythe is a stranger to the English language, dresses sloppily, rarely bathes and never turns in expense reports, yet makes huge draws against his healthy expense account. Beyond that, despite repeated warnings from the Board of Directors, he gives vortex tours to naïve young women and receives all sorts of undisclosed favors in return.
Also due for an almost immediate disappearance will be Astrology For The Weak. The title of this astrology column offends the incoming owners. In their opinion, its sounds too much like liberal/socialistic blather. If the column survives, it has been learned, it will be called Stargazing for Mostly Women 101.
Also due to be cut are many of the erotic advertisements appearing in the paper, especially the massage ads featuring half-naked ladies. Beyond that a list of the columnists due for extinction include Fidelman, Marks, Jordan, Evrard, Bishop who is leaving town, Mann and all staff mascots. It turns out that the new owners don’t believe in mascots, unlike politicians they are far too hard to control.
On the good news side of this massacre one survivor will be Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality. It seems that the leader of the raiders likes the words of Gertrude Stein as much as does Rabbit: “a rose is a rose is a rose.” Now what of Sir William’s fate, you might ask?
When last seen he was boarding a jet destined for any place other than Sedona, duffle bags full of various currencies, Bombay Gin mouthwash and a menu from Judi’s. However, high sources say he was recently spotted sitting on a flat rock in Oak Creek playing gin rummy.
