February 25, 2018

Whatchamacallit?

They say that as you’re growing old, Your whatchamacallit goes– You can’t remember little things Like if you wore your clothes, Or if your sister (what’s her name?) Has been released from jail, Or if your sister’s brother is Still trying to make bail. But, when you really think it through (Which, clearly, you can’t do), The things you don’t remember are The very things that you Would rather not remember and, In fact, would best forget, To give your brain some breathing room, So, frankly, you could get The life that you had rather lived Set firmly in your…

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Whatchacallit II

In reading last month’s ditty, I Have realized of late, That what I vainly preached about Has been my own true fate. My whatchacallit’s truly gone! I’m in a brand new zone! I don’t remember anything, And, boy, how I have grown! Or shrunk, I guess! At any rate, I’ve had to start anew and Invent a past and present that More fairly is my due. A myth, in fact, a naked lie, A fabricated rout! Complete with names and places that I’ve only dreamed about! But, wait, this seems familiar. Could I simply have forgot? I’ll never really know…

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A Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light, I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight. My wife was asleep, her head on my chest, My daughter beside me, angelic in rest. Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white, Transforming the yard to a winter delight. The sparkling lights in the tree I believe, Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve. My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep, Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep. In perfect contentment, or so it would seem, So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream. The sound wasn’t…

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Heart Rider

I peddled out of Phoenix Just about three weeks ago, And panted up the Mogollon, And through New Mexico, Then Texas, Oklahoma, and Across the Kansas miles, To end it in Missouri to St. Louis–welcome smiles. I peddled fifteen hundred miles With bare necessities: The clothing on my back, that’s all, And no real niceties. A sleeping bag and sunscreen, and Some shampoo and a comb, A couple of necessary tools, And my desire to roam. An Ogalala Sioux I met Who’s words cut clean and smart, Told me I didn’t ride a bike. Instead, I rode my heart. Related…

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No Girls Allowed

I’ve always been a skeptic when They cried, “Conspiracy!” But, lately, it’s apparent that They’re ganging up on me! Not lobbyists, or lawyers, or Republicans, or gripes. I’m talking about plumbers and The placement of their pipes. Or, maybe, it’s the architects Who all are growing taller, And simply draw the men’s room plans That plumbers all must foller. At any rate, I’m 5 foot 5″ A Lilliputian prince And when I use a public john It makes my ego wince. The plumbing has ascended far Above my dignity: The fellow with the kiddy stool Is more than likely me!…

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New Toys

While the toy recalls mount through the ceiling, Sending outsourcing importers reeling, And Barbie’s lead paint Causes Elmo to faint, While the Easy Bake Oven is peeling, There’s an old fashioned movement re-starting, Causing Wal-Mart and Cosco some smarting, ‘Cuz without Einstein Blocks To stuff in kids’ socks, Toys R Us, from their profits, is parting. They are words often spoken by mothers, And repeated by grandmas and others, Fisher Price is appalled ‘Cuz they can’t be recalled: “Just go play with your sisters and brothers!” Related posts: Ask Kids about Mom and Dad On Board Computers The Sun Mystery

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Homeward Drowned

They say that you cannot go home— You never can go back! I’m here to take exception, and Encourage you to pack Your grip, and quit your worthless job, And terminate your lease, And drag your furniture outdoors, And burn it, piece by piece, And call the Postal Service, and Exterminate your mail, And cancel all your credit cards, And don’t forget to fail To call the county coroner, And tell him that you’re dead, But not to pick your carcass up— You’re going home, instead! And, when your bus pulls into town, Prepare to be bereft: Because, in twenty…

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Calling All Richards

The difficulties of this world Are big and bad and mean, And charged with such uncertainties To make solutions lean. But, if you would indulge, per chance, This simple minded cuss, There’s overwhelming evidence The problem is named, “Us.” There’s way too many of us all Including me and you And, barring wars and meteors, The answers are too few. There’s way too many Lindsays and There’s way too many Dawns, There’s way too many Trevors and There’s way too many Seans. There’s way too many Meagans And there’s way to many Ricks. There’s never enough Richards cuz There’s way…

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Daddy’s Diary

I found my daddy’s diary tucked Beneath his attic mess, And, lettered on the cover was, “The Secrets of Success.” I feared it would be bulging with Some windy, long laments; But when I opened it I found Three simple stanzas, hence: “To know someone, don’t listen As their lofty talk ascends, Instead, just look at what they’ve done, And who they choose as friends. And learn what you do badly, and Stop doing it, pall mall, So you can concentrate and grow In that which you do well. And, most important in your life In love, or work, or…

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The Sun Mystery

In June the sun was coming up Before the crack of dawn, But, now, the thing is hold out, Not only that, but gone To bed at night much earlier— Three minutes, by the day!— And while I know this can’t be true (It’s summer; I’m at play) The trend seems clearly ominous (I’ve calculated stuff), By Christmas, it won’t shine at all And there won’t be enough Daylight and its resulting heat To keep my footsies warm And I might think of growing fur And there might be a storm And it might even snow and I Might have…

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Sell By

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I never thought my barber would Destroy more than my hair. But, yesterday, he shaved my neck And drove me to despair! “What’s this?” he said. “Why, you’ve expired!” I said, “What do you mean?” He touched my neck, “It’s right back here– That place you’ve never seen. “We all have sell-by dates,” he said, “Tattooed behind our ears. We never, ever see them but For glimpses caught in mirrors. “And, then, of course, they’re backwards and Impossible to read, And, so, the implications are Impossible to heed.” It truly is ironic that I’d be the…

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Playing for Keeps

Keep those wheels of commerce turning; Keep those suckers greased. Keep those time share condos churning; Keep those suckers leased. Keep your looks your highest passion; Keep on buying shoes. Keep your children high on fashion; Keep ignoring clues. Keep five-dollar coffee pumping; Keep refining taste. Keep those plastic bottles dumping; Keep refueling waste. Keep those Hummers gassed and guzzled; Keep those engines hot. Keep your horse sense tightly muzzled; Keep the past un-taught. Keep The Truth from dimly blinking; Keep all wisdom gone. Keep America from thinking. Keep on keeping on. Related posts: 4-D Printers Disapproval New Year’s Vow…

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Up with Dogs

She’s given up on husbands, and She’s taken up with dogs. “Dogs shed,” she said, “and host some fleas, And, sometimes, eat my clogs, “But, all of life’s a trade-off, and In weighing tit for tat, It’s clear to me that husbands lose! That dogs are where its at! “Dogs never stop me asking for Directions when I’m lost, Or, when I have a headache, pout, Like they’ve been double-crossed; “Dogs never raise their eyebrows when My Visa bills come in, Or, go into a tizzy, like It’s some kind of a sin When Brian, my old boyfriend, calls Who’s…

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Fun Raiser

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I’ve noticed, public radio’s Stopped begging for my car, Regardless of it runs or not Or if it’s plagued with tar! Apparently, they’ve changed their minds: They want my wife, instead! And, if I hesitate or balk, Then NPR is dead! Their pitch is quite familiar as The radio explained: They’ll tow her off regardless of The hundred pounds she’s gained, While celebrating loudly that At last, she will be free, Will earn a super tax break and, To boot, be rid of me! I have but one condition to Impose to grease the skids: They…

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The Fountain of Truth

I hear I’ve no requirement to Be growing old and worn, No scientific reason to Be wrinkled and forlorn. No deconstructing chemistry That can’t be turned around To make my failing body right And tight and bright and sound. No breakdown of my systems that Smart doctors can’t reverse Returning my deposit on That black and shiny hearse. No single, solitary thought That any mind can think That justifies my plunging from The geriatric brink! Except for this endorsement in Mortality’s behest: I’m sick and tired of all this crap; I need a good, long rest! Related posts: Horoscopes for…

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Snake Oil Love

The woman parked her car and climbed My steps and kicked my door! I opened up to face a girl That scared me to the core! “You’re nothing but a charlatan!” She screamed into my face, “A snake oil selling swindler, A vacuous disgrace!” She waved my column in the air; Her eyes were blazing red! “Oh dear,” I cried. “I’m falling fast! Just tell me, are you wed? “I’m looking for a woman and I think you’ll fit the bill. I’m hopelessly attracted to Your clear, abusive will! “My other marriages, for love, Were less than second rate. I’m…

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Up with Cats

I’ve given up on women, and I’ve taken up with cats! Cats never preach the sins of salt Or saturated fats! I told my woman, yesterday, That cats would be my life. She smiled, and said, I think that cats Will make a splendid wife! I’ve thought for years that cats and you Would get along quite well– You both are low, and sneaky, and Exude a fishy smell. You prowl around in dark of night, And no one knows just where, And when the morning light appears You slink back to your lair, And yawn, and scratch, and lick…

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Scope This

I’ve found a brand new restaurant that’s A perfect place to dine. It opens up at 6 a.m. And doesn’t close till nine. It’s thrifty, bright and squeaky-clean; It’s customers are smart; It’s food is fresh, eclectic, and It’s walls are hung with art. There’s salad bars and deli bars, And pasta bars, and sauce; There’s taco bars and chocolate bars, And, at the end, there’s floss. You choose and weigh and pay by ounce, So, careful what you take. And if you wear a stethoscope, You get a special break. You’re right! It’s true! I’m eating at The hospital…

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Android Orphans

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I watched a little girl, this week, Sit, staring at her dad– A precious time together that Seemed nothing less than sad. They sat across a table at A trendy coffee place– Her father, with his slick, new phone Held up, before his face. The little girl was waiting with Wide, patient eyes that smiled In hopeful expectation that Her daddy missed, beguiled By digital distractions on That bright, seductive screen, While daddy’s girl sat, pleading with Adoring eyes, unseen By yet another parent who Believes their love is clear, While android-orphan children wait A day,…

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4-D Printers

by Doug Rabbit Sutherland ‘Ol Bernie Madoff would be proud! He really would!  It’s true! Because I’ve hatched a jail-proof scheme Who’s time is clearly due! We charlatans of noble stripe Have one stone in our sling: To stay one step ahead of folks Obsessed with “The Next Thing!” Now, 3-D printers, as you know, Have galvanized the world. So, what would be the next big thing That begs to be unfurled? Why, 4- printers!  Clear as day! And, I have them in stock! And, for a measly hundred grand You’ll be first on your block To copy things that…

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Disapproval

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland Congressional approval has Completely gone to hell! Just nine percent of people think That Congress doesn’t smell! Which means that the electorate Ranks cockroaches above Their view of legislators in The battle for their love! And, also ranking higher than That noble band of thieves Are root canals and traffic jams And colonoscopies! And, head lice beat the buggers, too! And, Genghis Khan and France! They also lost to butt cracks that Peek over low slung pants! But, still, that Gang’s more popular Than ticks or bleeding scabs, Mad Cow Disease and lobbyists, Ebola and meth…

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Recalculate

It’s true: one billion people are On Facebook day and night! Mark Zuckerberg keeps telling us His math is true and right. Now, I don’t doubt his numbers but I think I smell a rat. “There are,” my grandpa wisely said, “Two ways to skin a cat.” I think he meant the starting point Could be the nose and ears, Or, you could turn the cat around And start from his arrears! So, turning Facebook head to tail And counting from behind Illuminates the calculus With something new to find. It’s true! One billion people are On Facebook ’round the…

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Popcorn Drip

I went to see a movie at A Phoenix metroplex And found I am a dinosaur!— A “Cinesaurus  rex!” The first thing was the squishy seats!— Recliners with foot rests!— With infinite positions to Anesthetize the guests! The next thing was the menu with Martinis and Chablis, Roast suckling pig and quiche Lorraine And oven roasted brie! And, finally, the table that Swung underneath my chin! I wondered,  “Is this hospice with A movie screen and gin?” The waitress came to welcome me Installing the IV! “It’s liquid popcorn, sir,” she said. “With Medicare, it’s free!” http://www.excentricworld.com/wp-content/uploads/audio/popcorndrip.mp3map :: {skin:’gray’, animate:true,…

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New Year’s Vow

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality Last year my resolution was An altruistic stiff! My self-denial I truly thought Would save us from the cliff. I ate raw grains, tofu and leaves, Which, trust me, wasn’t fun, Believing that my sacrifice Would grow your 401! But, did I do a single thing To solve our fiscal pain? And, what was I contributing To economic economic gain? The answers are as clear as fat Upon my Christmas goose: I wasn’t adding anything!— In fact, my pants got loose! And, so, this year I do resolve From thinness to break free!—…

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The Acting Jerk

“Just be yourself,” my woman cried, “Stop acting like a jerk!” She threw her dishes in the sink, And strutted off to work. I put a load of laundry in, And swept the kitchen floor; I gathered up my thoughts, and then Addressed them to the door: “My dear, it seems to me you’ve missed The essence of the plot: There is no question whether I’m An acting jerk, or not; “My jerkness is as close to me As skin is to a grape, As stripes to watermelon, or As Scotch is to its tape; “I’m ugly, short, and stupid,…

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Christmas Conspiracy

The scheme forged by Obama and Monsanto, months ago, Was carpet bombing cities with A chemical, aglow, To wash away all prudence so We’d spend like drunken thieves And lift up the economy So everyone believes That old Saint Nick is flush with cash And Christmas woes are gone, Our common sense all modified Like grasses in our lawn, So all of our resistance to The lure of Yuletide shelves Would disappear like magic and We’d spend like eggnogged elves And celebrate Black Friday as Though prudence never lurked (Forgetting that election day Was solid proof it worked)! Related posts:…

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Riverdale Renewal

I wonder, have you noticed that The Archie Comics crew Has been revised and modernized, And has emerged, anew? Sweet Betty Cooper—girl-next-door— Is looking like a tramp! Her jeans hang down below her hips; Her shirt is tight and damp; Her pony-tail is history; The girl has shaved her head; She looks a lot like Brittany And spends her days in bed! Veronica, in prison pants, Is angry, wan, and pale! She looks like Paris Hilton and She spends her nights in jail! But, kids, this is America! Don’t whine, complain or crab! Don’t be depressed! Instead, invest In Riverdale…

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On Board Computers

I witnessed on my plasma screen A brand new toothbrush ad! An ordinary brush except for What this toothbrush had: An actual computer in The handle! “Oh what fun!” To tell the owner of the brush Just when the teeth were done! “On-board computer,” said the voice! A phrase I’ve grown to hate, But, still, my hungry rabbit-brain Snapped quickly at the bait. On-board computers in your comb? To keep your fur arranged? On-board computers in your socks? To keep your feet estranged? On-board computers in your belt? To keep away the fat? And how about in condoms? No! I’ll…

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Constellations

I love to lie upon the ground And watch the night-time sky, And pick out constellations that I make up, on the sly. The big one there with all the stars? The one that’s flaming hot? That’s Hillary’s Ambition, and The easiest to spot! There’s Michael Moore’s Agenda, and The Pope with Foot in Mouth; There’s Edwards’ Hair, Pelosi’s Glare, And, John McCain Gone South. There’s Cheney’s Ego, rising, and Obama, Raising Dough, Mitt Romney’s Chances, setting, and There’s Rumsfeld, Eating Crow. And, look! The one that grew so bright? So certain? Without doubt? George Bush’s So Called Legacy! (It…

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Note from Santa

I’m sitting, watching shoppers with Their yuletide kids in tow, And thinking of a Christmas Eve Some 30 years ago. A simple one-room cabin on A deep Montana lake, A wild goose in the oven, and Snow drifting, flake by flake. Before the evening ended, we Left cookies for Saint Nick, And snuggled down together with A stove-warmed bedtime brick. We crawled out Christmas morning to The wood fire’s flickering light, And stared, astonished, at the gift That Santa left last night. For scrawled in charcoal on the wall, These blackened words, forsooth: “Believe in The Impossible, For there, you’ll…

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