August 16, 2017

Headlines: The Year is 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States. Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Jihadist dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya and Afghanistan). France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but…

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Americans with No Abilities Act Passes

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Congress quietly approved sweeping legislation which provides new benefits for millions of Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), expected to be signed into law by the president shortly after inauguration, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the hordes of Americans who lack any real working skills or ambition. “Roughly 25 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said an unidentified congressman and longtime AWNAA supporter. “This is why many of them vote for me term after…

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The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many different gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and, being a typical man, I didn’t bother to stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently left, as the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they…

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Out of the Mouths of Kids

The following are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children in 5th and 6th grade in Ohio: “Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don’t really understand. The English and French still have problems.” “Queen Elizabeth was the ‘Virgin Queen.’ As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah!” and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.” “It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and…

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Are Men Really Listening? Probably Not!

While some men certainly have come a long way in the area of women’s issues, there evidently is still a lot of room for improvement. Take this refrigerator door posting as an example. After his wife had awakened early to get the children off to school after feeding them breakfast and preparing their lunches, she kissed him goodbye, handing him his coffee and newspaper as she headed off to her full-time job. Then the home phone rang. His wife had given her doctor’s office their home phone number to avoid a call while at work on her cell phone. After…

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Lesser Known April Holidays

April 2nd is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day! April 1 is . . . One Cent Day April 2 is . . . National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day April 3 is . . . Tweed Day and Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day April 4 is . . . Tell-A-Lie Day April 5 is . . . Go For Broke Day April 6 is . . . Sorry Charlie Day April 7 is . . . No Housework Day April 8 is . . . All Is Ours Day April 9 is . . . Winston…

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The Cat and the Cabbie…

We were dressed and ready to go out for a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the…

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Go Green . . . Bring Back the Clothes Line

You may have to be a “certain age” to appreciate this article. But you younger ones can read about “The good ol’ days”! (If you don’t even know what clotheslines are, then better skip this.) Many Boomers can hear their mothers still as she explained how to hang the wash… You had to hang the socks by the toes…not the top. You hung pants by the bottoms/cuffs…not the waistbands. And all clothes had to be turned inside out just because a bird might fly overhead and you didn’t want that showing. I didn’t want that next to my skin, but…

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Lesser Known March Holidays

March 20th is Festival of Alien Abductions Day. March 1 . . . National Pig Day & Peanut Butter Lover’s Day March 2 . . . Old Stuff Day March 3 . . . I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day and National Anthem Day March 4 . . . Holy Experiment Day March 5 . . . Multiple Personalities Day March 6 . . . National Frozen Food Day March 7 . . . National Crown Roast Of Pork Day March 8 . . . Be Nasty Day March 9 . . . Panic Day March…

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The Spanish Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.” “Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.” A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the Feminine gender (“la computadora”), because: 1. No one…

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Wal-Mart Greeters Deserve Respect…

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.” “Yes, I know boss, and I am working on…

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Lesser Known February Holidays

February 28th is Public Sleeping Day. February 1 is . . . . . Serpent Day February 2 is . . . . . Purification Day February 3 is . . . . . Cordova Ice Worm Day February 4 is . . . . . Create A Vacuum Day February 5 is . . . . . Disaster Day February 6 is . . . . . Lame Duck Day February 7 is . . . . . Charles Dickens Day February 8 is . . . . . Kite Flying Day February 9 is . . . ….

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An Editorial from Excentric World

For more than 24 years, this paper has never used its position in the community to pontificate on any serious topic except to satirize it or hide it within the satire. Today, I make an exception due to the anger pervading in our country over the slaughter of innocents versus the individual rights defined in the 1st and 2nd Amendments to the Constitution of the United States. The initiative to draft papers representing a Union began when the Federal Convention convened in the State House (Independence Hall) in Philadelphia on May 14, 1787 to revise the Articles of Confederation. By June, it was clear…

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The Joys of Having Boys

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas… Things I’ve Learned from My Boys (honest, not  kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman…

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Remember When People Used to Say…

(1) “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00.” (2) “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one.” (3) “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.” (4) “Did you hear the post office might charge a dime to mail a letter?” (5) “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire help.” (6) “When…

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The Bible According to Johnny

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, “Gimme a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because…

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Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever!

Excentric World continues its long-running tradition of publishing the recipe for Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever in its original form. It was first printed in 1991. Each year, it is rewritten in near its original form. Here’s what you’ll need: 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 stick butter 1 cup sugar 2 large eggs 1/4 cup brown sugar 1 cup dried fruit 1/4 cup chopped nuts 1 tsp. baking powder 1 tsp. baking soda 1 tsp. lemon juice Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring spoons and cup,…

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Not In Our Super Department Store

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists Mr. Fenton go with her to their Super Department Store. He gets bored with shopping and prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here’s a letter sent to her from the store’s manager. Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment and listed them below: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of…

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