April 1, 2020

First Family To Go To Moon Soon … by Blodwyn Smythe

With just days before Halloween, a month before Thanksgiving, yet still another month to go before revelers get to shout, “Merry Christmas,” becuase Americans know that wishing people “Happy Holidays” or “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” is totally unacceptable in the new Trumpian World, formerly the United States of America, scuttlebut is leaking from the White House that the Trumps are planning an extended vacation out of this world – the likes of which no one has ever witnessed. Someone was even rumored to have been concked on the head for writing, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on…

Mythology!

Think real hard here. Try to remember. What do these names mean to you: ZEUS, MARS, VENUS, HELEN OF TROY, MERCURY? Do you remember any of them? Of course you do. These are a few of the names we all learned when we studied the mythology of the ancients. Greek gods and goddesses, Roman gods and goddesses, they’re all up there in the mythical mix along with more local names like Paul Bunyan, Pecos Bill, Joe Magarac, and Dale Earnhardt. Oops, slight overstatement there. Everybody knows these names and they think they know the stories behind them. That’s where they’re…

The Wino’s Geek Speak

All professions have their own language. Call it jingo, jargon or whatever other term you desire. Few are as incomprehensible as legalese, but they can still befuddle the uninitiated and unfamiliar. The wine world is no exception. Most people would simply stare at me with an odd look if I handed them a Syrah and said, “It’s a little reductive.” You can even confuse those within a profession as the slang tends to get regional. For instance, if I were in Western Australia, that same Syrah would be pongy, not reductive. What’s the point of mentioning this to you? Well,…

Celebrity Haunted Homes

Q: I read where some old homes of now deceased celebrities are haunted by the former Hollywood sensations. The homes of Marilyn Monroe, Lucille Ball, Errol Flynn, Ozzie Nelson, Mary Pickford and Bugsy Seigel are on the top ten list of celebrity haunted homes. Do you think their spirits stay behind after the body has expired to watch over their former belongings or are they possibly seeking some kind of justice for actions taken against them while they were alive? A: Just guessing, but Bugsy might have been rejected by afterlife bosses and went the way of jack-‘o-lantern. Q: During…

From the Brink of Think

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvyBpsQ3dyE It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone “to relax,” I told myself; but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and…

Geography!

Guess what there’s probably more of in the world than anything else? No, not beer. Not poison ivy either. The answer is geography. Geography is everywhere, all around this big ol’ world of ours. In fact, you could say the world is made of geography. The next time you look at a map of the world, take a moment to appreciate how much geography there is. You can’t find any place on the map that doesn’t have some. The word “geography” comes from the Latin: “geo,” which is a kind of car, and the word “graphos,” which those Latin folks used…

Parenthood

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: PARENTHOOD “Don’t try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.” –Russell Baker “The best brought-up children are those who have seen their parents as they are. Hypocrisy is not the parents’ first duty.” –George Bernard Shaw “To become a father is not hard, to be a father is,…

Up with Dogs

She’s given up on husbands, and She’s taken up with dogs. “Dogs shed,” she said, “and host some fleas, And, sometimes, eat my clogs, “But, all of life’s a trade-off, and In weighing tit for tat, It’s clear to me that husbands lose! That dogs are where its at! “Dogs never stop me asking for Directions when I’m lost, Or, when I have a headache, pout, Like they’ve been double-crossed; “Dogs never raise their eyebrows when My Visa bills come in, Or, go into a tizzy, like It’s some kind of a sin When Brian, my old boyfriend, calls Who’s…

Don’t Break the Chain

THANKS A BUNCH to my friends, for sending me spam emails over the years: I stopped drinking Coca Cola: after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies: for fear of sitting on an infected needle. I smell like a dog: since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer. I also stopped answering the phone: for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo. I stopped consuming several foods: for fear that the…

Horoscopes for June 16-22, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will look for a new job. Don’t quit your day job yet, as there is little demand for an experienced yachtsman who enjoys gambling, whiskey and a good cigar. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month will find you hanging out with movie stars and the politically elite. In a short period of time, you will be detained for crashing the party uninvited. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will question the quality of your breath this month, as when you talked with someone, they turned away. Later, you will find they…

Panty Man a Problem?

Dear Frankly, I have been married for two years now and it is still exciting. Both of us have had previous marriages that were disasters. The other day when doing laundry, I noticed most of the undergarments were mine and some were stretched. My husband admitted he has been wearing my underwear and says he likes the way they feel and it makes him feel closer to me. Is this something I should be concerned with? Any suggestions? Briefly Betty Dear Briefly, My fifth husband liked to wear my panties. He claimed they were softer than his and made him…

Father Knows Best?

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: FATHERING “There is too much fathering going on just now and there is no doubt about it, fathers are depressing.” –Gertrude Stein “The fundamental defect of fathers, in our competitive society, is that they want their children to be a credit to them.” –Bertrand Russell “Rich men’s sons are seldom rich men’s fathers.” –Herbert…

New Automobile Recalls

Excentric World staff members look at new automobile recalls. On the heels of the massive recalls by Toyota to replace or repair sticking accelerators and failing brakes, Crapper Coupes has recalled its number two seller due to the gas tank handle having to be jiggled to prevent waste.     Related posts: Bogus Automobile Insurance Claims Why You Should Vote . . . Dirty Children Make Healthy Adults? Safety on America’s Highways

Do I Wait for Mr. Right?

Dear Frankly, I’ve been dating this guy for a few months now. He’s a “nice” guy. He treats me well and we have some of the same interests, pursuits, etc. I just don’t feel a real strong chemistry. He’s attractive, but it’s not WOW. I’m hesitant to move very fast, even though he has clearly expressed his interest in our becoming more serious. How do I know if this is the guy? If I’m unsure, am I not just settling? What if I take it to the next level and then Mr. Right comes along? Baffled Bernice Dear Baffled, I…

The Current State of America’s Economy

Sedona Excentric World staff members look at the current state of America’s economy and how some people are adjusting to make ends meet. Hauling a rider mower around on his compact car, this Cornville man hits the road running every weekend, shouting at hecklers, “Fescue, go compost yourself.”   Related posts: Safety on America’s Highways Why You Should Vote . . . Financial Struggle An Editorial from Excentric World

Father’s Day

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, “My dad can beat up your dad.” I’d say, “Yeah? When?” — Bill Hicks “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” — Bill Cosby “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand…

Bugs: The Other, Other White Meat

Inside the News DYSFUNCTIONAL POLITICS NEWS: Three members of a Michigan city council have abstained from voting on a measure that would have prevented them from abstaining on future votes. Two council members voted yes, and two voted no. With the three abstaining from voting on abstaining, the motion failed. This is what happens when the public abstains from voting. We get the best politicians money can buy. GOT YOUR GOAT NEWS: A goat, possibly headed to slaughter, made a daring escape into traffic on a busy highway in New Jersey. The animal managed to evade Jersey City police officers…

Horoscopes for June 9-15, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will recall days of rocking on a porch, whittling a stick, humming a tune and trying to hit that spittoon. Funny, you can’t recall starring in Deliverance. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will have a recurring nightmare of being reincarnated as a chihuahua, running in a parking lot with a taco in your mouth, being chased by a giant bell. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will try to get into the dating scene after a long hiatus. While coffee shops are the new, hip places to hang, watch out for…

Life in the 1500s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June.  However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor, hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,  then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children, last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually…

Letter Home From Boot Camp

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed til nearly 6am but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothin’. Got to shave but…

Elvis Everywhere

THE KING-SIGHTED-AGAIN NEWS: Rock collector LaDell Alexander, 60, of Estes Park, CO, has found a stone she swears has the face of Elvis Presley on it. You don’t have to think Elvis is everywhere to see it: A pattern on the rock resembles a human head with dark hair and the king of rock’s trademark muttonchop sideburns. Of course, it resembled him during his heavy, drug influenced days, lowering its potential value on eBay. LAW & ORDER NEWS: Love blossomed in a trial last year between alternate juror No. 3 and juror No. 6. The two made goo-goo eyes on…

Strangest Ear Rings

Dear Sister, We had a few nice middle-aged ladies round t’other evening for absolutely no reason at all, which I am sure is the very best way for a party to get going, nine of them, and I saw, with a certain amount of pleasure, that they were all wearing earrings. I identified emeralds, rubies, zircon, one imitation diamond, and two ladies with sapphires, which is a stone I hate to write about because of that stupid and unpronounceable extra “p” stuck in there for no sensible reason whatsoever. But I was pleased to see one Tanzanite among them, a…

You Say Syrah, I Say Shiraz

One of the more confusing things for people about wine is the fact that the same grape may have many different names depending on where you are in the world. Grigio vs. Gris The current trendiness of Pinot Grigio is a great example of this. If you come from Italy, it’s a dry, crisp white wine that goes great with all sorts of seafood. Raise your hand though if you’ve seen it on the shelf next to other wines called Pinot Gris and been confused. It’s OK to admit it. Pinot Gris is the exact same grape, it just happens…

How Rude Is That?

Three times within the last week someone disposed of a used tissue by throwing it into the bed of my pick-up in the parking lot. I admit that my truck is not shiny new anymore and the bed is half full with firewood that looks like clean up from a tree-trimming job…but really, how rude is that? The fact that this has happened three consecutive times has convinced me that it’s not a random act like the occasional drink cup or empty cigarette package that I used to get. If the person who threw those tissues in my truck knew…

Horoscopes for June 2-8, 2013

ARIES (April 21 – April 19) You’ll put a strong emphasis on love and affection, and you won’t be afraid to be demonstrative. Just remember, some demonstrations are illegal in public. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Venus and Mars are alright tonight. It has nothing to do with Taurus in June. I was listening to McCartney and Wings when I was writing these forecasts. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, you will decide to join one of those online dating groups. When you receive the results, you will be puzzled to learn the only match was yourself. CANCER…

Yard Work!

For those of you high desert dwellers who have chosen to abandon your lawns for landscaping rock, you’ll just have to use your imagination. Well, here we are again–grass cutting and yard work season. Unless you’re a genius and can convince your wife she should do the yard work, it’s YOUR job. I tried the “grass sharks” story on my wife, but she didn’t bite. I tried “snow sharks” on her last winter, but she didn’t buy them either. Being essentially lazy, I like to keep yard work quick and simple. The sooner I can get it done, the sooner…

Lesser Known June Holidays

June 1 is . . . Dare Day June 2 is . . . National Rocky Road Day June 3 is . . . Repeat Day June 4 is . . . Old Maid’s Day June 5 is . . . Festival Of Popular Delusions Day June 6 is . . . Teacher’s Day and National Applesauce Cake Day June 7 is . . . National Chocolate Ice Cream Day June 8 is . . . Name Your Poison Day June 9 is . . . Donald Duck Day June 10 is . . . National Yo-Yo Day June 11…

Bogus Automobile Insurance Claims

Excentric World looks at some ways Americans are trying to collect on bogus automobile insurance claims to get out from under tough lease agreements. This driver had been following the portable potty carrier after spotting him from her business parking lot. She had known about the overpass and figured one or both of the potties would come tumbling down on her BMW convertible, damaging the hood and engine so severely that it would make her lease contract null and void. The photographer was laughing so hard, the follow-up shot was missed and he split after police arrived to avoid the…

No Toils or Troubles, Just Tiny Bubbles

Our subject goes by many names. The Germans call it Sekt. The Spanish use the term Cava. Italians have a few different names for it but generally call it Spumante. Some places say Sparkling Wine, but most of you know it by the name of its French home – Champagne. Champagne is a beverage that’s synonymous with celebration. The wines of Champagne were long heralded by the rulers of Europe, mostly because French Kings were traditionally crowned in the city of Rheims located right in the heart of the Champagne region. Since royalty liked to party, the local tipple became the…

The Legacy of Wine

I’ve noticed the passing of several large names in the wine world over the years. Among them are a few the average person may know: Julio Gallo and Robert Mondavi, as examples. There have been many others that professionals in the industry know as familiar names. This thought was brought to a head for me recently as a legend in wine education and research from my alma mater passed away after a battle with cancer. Lesser Known Wine Giants I’d like to take a few moments to pay remembrance to a pair of significant names I’ve personally known in the world…