December 11, 2019

Today’s Woman on Aging

When we age, the growth of hair on our legs slows down. Of course, now we have to take care of our newly acquired mustaches. When we age, we no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. When we age and we stand naked in front of a mirror, we can see our rear without turning around. When we age and go for a mammogram, we realize that this is the only time someone will ask us to appear topless. When we age, we want to tell all those lovely young things in tube tops to enjoy because the…

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Chapter Titles from “The First Truly Useful Golf Book”

1. How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt 2. How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off the Tee 3. How to Get More Distance Off the Shank 4. Crying and How to Handle It 5. How to Rationalize a 6-hour Round 6. How to Find That Ball that Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water 7. Why Your Wife Doesn’t Care That You Birdied the 5th 8. How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome without Getting Embarrassed 9. How to Relax When You Are Hitting 5 off the Tee 10….

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MORE Murphy’s Other Laws

1. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. 2. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. 3. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? 4. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population. 5. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 6. The things that come to those that wait may be the things…

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From the Back Pew . . .

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair…

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New Winter Virus Alert!

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidotes known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to…

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Cold is a Relative Thing

60 above zero: Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens. 50 above zero: Arizonans shiver uncontrollably. People in Duluth sunbathe. 40 above zero: Italian and English cars won’t start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down. 32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker. 20 above zero: Arizonans don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt. 15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold. Zero: People in Yuma all die. Minnesotans…

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Senior Household Hints

Start a compost heap with that stuff in the bottom of the vegetable bin in your refrigerator. Patch holes in walls with leftover Thanksgiving stuffing. Save belly button lint and use it for stuffing teddy bears. Grout your kitchen and bathroom tile with cake frosting. Fix-A-Dent can also be used to fill cracks in furniture. Catnip can double as an aphrodisiac. Clean family heirloom china with salt and white vinegar. Then sell the junk and take a vacation. Drive roaches away by sprinkling that cheap wine your friends bring over around the baseboards. Hair spray and a lighter can be…

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Yes, I’m a Senior Citizen

I’m the life of the party… even if it lasts until 8 p.m. I’m very good at opening childproof caps… with a hammer. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying. I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over… I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine. I’m so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental…

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Lesser Known January Holidays

January 1 is First Foot Day and Z Day January 2 is Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day January 3 is Festival of Sleep Day January 4 is Trivia Day and Humiliation Day January 5 is Bird Day January 6 is Bean Day January 7 is Old Rock Day January 8 is National Joy Germ Day and Man Watcher’s Day January 9 is Play God Day January 10 is Peculiar People Day January 11 is National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day January 12 is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day January…

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The 12 Sure Cures With Vodka . . .

To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew. To clean eyeglasses, wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade…

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Regifting Unwanted Goodies

Coming in this January’s issue, our staff members take a look at the art of regifting. Many people rush to tear open their neatly wrapped gifts from under the Christmas tree on the morning after Santa’s slide down the chimney or slithering under an unlocked window, only to be disappointed by a strange gift. The thought of exchanging the gift or giving it to someone else immediately comes to mind, with a “Thanks, Grandma.”   Related posts: Why You Should Vote . . . Horoscopes for December 30, 2012-January 5, 2013 Refuting Climate Change

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The True Meaning of Love

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” – Rebecca, age 8 “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” – Billy,  age 4 “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” – Chrissy,  age 6 “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” –…

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New Workout Plan

I have found this to be a wonderful work out plan for those of us over 45. This is for older people. Younger people try it at your own risk. This is working well for me. For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well. Begin by standing straight, with a 5-lb potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can–try to reach…

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On the Refrigerator Door

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am…

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More Thoughts To Ponder–Or Not!

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at…

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Laws of the Universe

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: Dial a wrong number; you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If…

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Long Live Snail Mail

If you receive an email on your computer entitled “Bedtimes” then delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It re-programs your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank….

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New Living Will!

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______A Bloody Mary ______A Margarita ______A Scotch and Soda ______A Martini ______A Vodka and Tonic ______A Steak ______Lobster or Crab Legs ______The Remote Control ______A Bowl of Ice Cream ______The Sports…

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Shadows on a Cave Wall

Sitting in a semi-lotus position on hard stones, Plato watched flickering shadows cavort on the cave wall. He had the bemused look of someone who was confident the shadows weren’t real in any meaningful sense. They were there for a moment’s fleeting entertainment, pale imitations of essences he was sure existed. Plato chuckled at the foolishness of people who spent time–often an entire life–measuring, dissecting and building with the puny tools of reason foisted on them by Aristotle and his ilk. They took appearances made of shadow matter–so much fairy dust–entirely too seriously. Thinking about the meaning of the ideal and the real and…

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28 Thoughts to Ponder–Or Not!

1. My husband and I divorced over religion. He thought he was God and I didn’t. 2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me! 4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. 7. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane…

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Ask Kids about Parents

Why did your Mom marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on. Who’s the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to cuz dad’s such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than…

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Words Women Use

“FINE.” This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. “FIVE MINUTES.” If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the ball game before helping around the house. “NOTHING.” This is the calm before the storm. This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “Nothing” usually end in “Fine.” “GO AHEAD!” This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it! <LOUD SIGH> This is not actually…

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Differences Between Men and Women

NAMES: If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the gals get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A…

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Headlines from Other Papers

“Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-pound Ball on His Head” “Bridges Help People Cross Rivers” “City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells” “Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances” “Meeting on Open Meetings Is Closed” “Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney” “Puerto Rican Teen Named Mistress of the Universe” “County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds” “An Australian Army Vehicle Has Gone Missing After Being Painted with Camouflage” “Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum” “Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons” “Statistics Show that Teen Pregnancy drops Off Significantly After Age 25” “Meat Head Resigns” “Barbershop Singers Bring…

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Ford Versus Windows . . .

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…twice a day. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would…

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Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.” However, in government, education and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse. 4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses. 5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 6….

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For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner. 10. When…

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Observing Sleep

At a relatively young age, say 20 something, I watched several minutes of Andy Warhol’s five-hour film “Sleep,” showing only a nude man sleeping through the night. There were no explosions, no trysts, just frame after frame of a nude man sleeping. Although critics determined to catch the avant garde wave insisted on making a fuss over this contribution to Warhol’s self-made mythology, I found myself bored and walked out of the theater. And later, when friends asked what I thought about “Sleep,” I just couldn’t bring myself to engage in a serious discussion of the film’s purported outrageousness, its capacity to irritate or the…

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A Barbie Women Can Relate To

Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and her face turns beet red with drops of perspiration appearing on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tissues. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. Flabby Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in…

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We Don’t Serve Miners!

Prior to the discovery of gold in California, a castaway Christian congregation, led by a Mr. Brigham Young, set up shop at most of Utah’s good watering holes. Mr. Young’s followers were farmers. They did not drink, at least not in the vernacular sense of the word. However, after the 1849 discovery of gold in California, waves of fortune hunters started showing up at the Utah watering holes. These fortune hunters were miners. In the vernacular sense of the word, they were drinkers, much like Jim and I. The farmers had adopted a no-drinking policy, and since the farmers were there first, they got to…

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