April 17, 2024

Horoscopes for November 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will overhear people talking about you today. They say you are a real buff, hot, techno-muffin. Later you will discover they were talking about someone else.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll be in an accelerated mode this November. Instead of the normal day late and a dollar short, you’ll somehow manage be a total no-show and flat broke.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will stumble over an oddly shaped rock while on a hike in a remote part of Sedona. A psychic had told you good fortune was on the way. Nope. This is a rock.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

This month, you will be in a grocery store when someone barks at you, drawing attention to you and your cart, which is filled with tuna, chicken livers and milk.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You’ll have a dream much like that of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. In your version there’s a styrofoam guy, wood man and angry mouse. The wizard wears a W.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

This month you’ll lose all inhibitions and decide to just let it all hang out. People from near and far will spend arduous days and nights trying to put it all back in.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Now is a great time to show off your super powers. It?s not every day that people can actually observe someone warding off evil spirits with their super bad breath.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

This month, you’ll try to raise money for charity by sponsoring a three-legged race. Unfortunately, it will rain and only one three-legged person will show up.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Once again, you return to work after a Halloween weekend binge, which fortunately this year is during the weekend, in costume, cross-dressed as your boss.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Mercury is in retrograde and Mars is as red as a beet. Jupiter is aligned with a couple of moons and Saturn adds a ring. Run, run like the wind. Don’t look back.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’ll walk into a heated debate during a gathering over the structuring of sentences and shout, “Give ’em death.” They debate the structure of your sentence.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

With the holidays coming, you’ll think a lot about diet and exercise. Fortunately, everything is on your diet and you’ll exercise your right to eat what you wish.

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