July 24, 2021

Bugs: The Other, Other White Meat

Inside the News DYSFUNCTIONAL POLITICS NEWS: Three members of a Michigan city council have abstained from voting on a measure that would have prevented them from abstaining on future votes. Two council members voted yes, and two voted no. With the three abstaining from voting on abstaining, the motion failed. This is what happens when the public abstains from voting. We get the best politicians money can buy. GOT YOUR GOAT NEWS: A goat, possibly headed to slaughter, made a daring escape into traffic on a busy highway in New Jersey. The animal managed to evade Jersey City police officers…

Read More

Life in the 1500s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June.  However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor, hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,  then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children, last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually…

Read More

Letter Home From Boot Camp

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed til nearly 6am but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothin’. Got to shave but…

Read More

Elvis Everywhere

THE KING-SIGHTED-AGAIN NEWS: Rock collector LaDell Alexander, 60, of Estes Park, CO, has found a stone she swears has the face of Elvis Presley on it. You don’t have to think Elvis is everywhere to see it: A pattern on the rock resembles a human head with dark hair and the king of rock’s trademark muttonchop sideburns. Of course, it resembled him during his heavy, drug influenced days, lowering its potential value on eBay. LAW & ORDER NEWS: Love blossomed in a trial last year between alternate juror No. 3 and juror No. 6. The two made goo-goo eyes on…

Read More

Strangest Ear Rings

Dear Sister, We had a few nice middle-aged ladies round t’other evening for absolutely no reason at all, which I am sure is the very best way for a party to get going, nine of them, and I saw, with a certain amount of pleasure, that they were all wearing earrings. I identified emeralds, rubies, zircon, one imitation diamond, and two ladies with sapphires, which is a stone I hate to write about because of that stupid and unpronounceable extra “p” stuck in there for no sensible reason whatsoever. But I was pleased to see one Tanzanite among them, a…

Read More

Lesser Known June Holidays

June 1 is . . . Dare Day June 2 is . . . National Rocky Road Day June 3 is . . . Repeat Day June 4 is . . . Old Maid’s Day June 5 is . . . Festival Of Popular Delusions Day June 6 is . . . Teacher’s Day and National Applesauce Cake Day June 7 is . . . National Chocolate Ice Cream Day June 8 is . . . Name Your Poison Day June 9 is . . . Donald Duck Day June 10 is . . . National Yo-Yo Day June 11…

Read More

Bogus Automobile Insurance Claims

Excentric World looks at some ways Americans are trying to collect on bogus automobile insurance claims to get out from under tough lease agreements. This driver had been following the portable potty carrier after spotting him from her business parking lot. She had known about the overpass and figured one or both of the potties would come tumbling down on her BMW convertible, damaging the hood and engine so severely that it would make her lease contract null and void. The photographer was laughing so hard, the follow-up shot was missed and he split after police arrived to avoid the…

Read More

Fun Raiser

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I’ve noticed, public radio’s Stopped begging for my car, Regardless of it runs or not Or if it’s plagued with tar! Apparently, they’ve changed their minds: They want my wife, instead! And, if I hesitate or balk, Then NPR is dead! Their pitch is quite familiar as The radio explained: They’ll tow her off regardless of The hundred pounds she’s gained, While celebrating loudly that At last, she will be free, Will earn a super tax break and, To boot, be rid of me! I have but one condition to Impose to grease the skids: They…

Read More

The World’s Oldest Living Person

GUINNESS AGE NEWS: The world’s oldest living person, Japan’s Jiroemon Kimura, celebrated his 116th birthday in April with congratulations from around the world and from Japan’s prime minister. Also living in Japan is the world’s oldest woman at 115 years of age. When asked how he was feeling, Mr. Kimura said repeatedly, “nanigoto?” or “What?” GONE TO THE DOGS NEWS: A new television series is scheduled to air on Nat GEO about devoted pet owners who go above and beyond spoiling their pets. It will feature doggies who no only wear one-of-a-kind sweaters, but have their own psychics. You may…

Read More

Tech Support for Spouses

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 , but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate   Dear Desperate, First, keep…

Read More

The Fountain of Truth

I hear I’ve no requirement to Be growing old and worn, No scientific reason to Be wrinkled and forlorn. No deconstructing chemistry That can’t be turned around To make my failing body right And tight and bright and sound. No breakdown of my systems that Smart doctors can’t reverse Returning my deposit on That black and shiny hearse. No single, solitary thought That any mind can think That justifies my plunging from The geriatric brink! Except for this endorsement in Mortality’s behest: I’m sick and tired of all this crap; I need a good, long rest! Related posts: Horoscopes for…

Read More

Safety on America’s Highways

Excentric World staff members look at the safety on America’s highways. Many states have rescinded annual state inspections requiring cars be safe before being allowed on state roads. Some say the revenue would bail out most states while making the roads safer. Mirrors may have helped this driver. Related posts: Accessories for the Designated Driver Efforts to Save on Rising Fuel Costs Economical Ways of Going Green The Current State of America’s Economy

Read More

Murphy’s Other Laws

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? 6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 8. Seen it all, done it all. Can’t remember most of it. 9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. 10. I feel like I’m diagonally…

Read More

Snake Oil Love

The woman parked her car and climbed My steps and kicked my door! I opened up to face a girl That scared me to the core! “You’re nothing but a charlatan!” She screamed into my face, “A snake oil selling swindler, A vacuous disgrace!” She waved my column in the air; Her eyes were blazing red! “Oh dear,” I cried. “I’m falling fast! Just tell me, are you wed? “I’m looking for a woman and I think you’ll fit the bill. I’m hopelessly attracted to Your clear, abusive will! “My other marriages, for love, Were less than second rate. I’m…

Read More

The South is All Them Red States

They measure distance in minutes. They’ve often had to switch from heat to a/c in the same day. You’ll see a car running in a store parking lot with no one in it no matter what time of the year. They use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store. All the festivals across the South are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal. They install security lights on their houses and garages and then leave both unlocked. They carry jumper cables in their car… for their OWN car. They know what “cow…

Read More

Up with Cats

I’ve given up on women, and I’ve taken up with cats! Cats never preach the sins of salt Or saturated fats! I told my woman, yesterday, That cats would be my life. She smiled, and said, I think that cats Will make a splendid wife! I’ve thought for years that cats and you Would get along quite well– You both are low, and sneaky, and Exude a fishy smell. You prowl around in dark of night, And no one knows just where, And when the morning light appears You slink back to your lair, And yawn, and scratch, and lick…

Read More

The Media

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Unfortunately, the media have trouble distinguishing between real science and propaganda cross-dressed as science.” — Linda Bowles “Journalism consists largely in saying ‘Lord Jones died’ to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.” — G. K. Chesterton “I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.” — Gandhi “Whoever controls the media–the images–controls the culture.” —…

Read More

Love

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved–loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” — Victor Hugo “A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.” — Fr. Jerome Cummings “Without love, benevolence becomes egotism.” — Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. “Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding…

Read More

Scope This

I’ve found a brand new restaurant that’s A perfect place to dine. It opens up at 6 a.m. And doesn’t close till nine. It’s thrifty, bright and squeaky-clean; It’s customers are smart; It’s food is fresh, eclectic, and It’s walls are hung with art. There’s salad bars and deli bars, And pasta bars, and sauce; There’s taco bars and chocolate bars, And, at the end, there’s floss. You choose and weigh and pay by ounce, So, careful what you take. And if you wear a stethoscope, You get a special break. You’re right! It’s true! I’m eating at The hospital…

Read More

Democracy

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: DEMOCRACY “Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.” Winston Churchill “Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.” Benjamin Franklin “Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after…

Read More

Drug Possession on Horseback

GIDDY UP NEWS: A woman who went for a horseback ride through Sylvania, Alabama allegedly used the horse to ram a police car and was charged with driving under the influence and drug offenses. The woman was charged with DUI for allegedly riding the horse under the influence of a controlled substance. She was also charged with drug possession, possession of drug paraphernalia, resisting arrest, assault, attempting to elude police and cruelty to animals. She plans to use the horse’s ass defense. A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME NEWS: Metallica may be a cool name for a heavy metal band,…

Read More

Android Orphans

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I watched a little girl, this week, Sit, staring at her dad– A precious time together that Seemed nothing less than sad. They sat across a table at A trendy coffee place– Her father, with his slick, new phone Held up, before his face. The little girl was waiting with Wide, patient eyes that smiled In hopeful expectation that Her daddy missed, beguiled By digital distractions on That bright, seductive screen, While daddy’s girl sat, pleading with Adoring eyes, unseen By yet another parent who Believes their love is clear, While android-orphan children wait A day,…

Read More

Useful Military Warnings

“Aim towards the Enemy.” Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” U.S. Army magazine “Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop “If the enemy is in range, so are you.” Infantry Journal “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”…

Read More

Literary Award

These are the ten winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel… #10 As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it. #9 Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens. #8 With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed the lustrous thick, brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description….

Read More

Lesser Known May Holidays

May 1 is . . . Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day May 2 is . . . Fire Day May 3 is . . . Lumpy Rug Day May 4 is . . . National Candied Orange Peel Day May 5 is . . . National Hoagie Day May 6 is . . . Beverage Day May 7 is . . . International Tuba Day and National Roast Leg of Lamb Day May 8 is . . . No Socks Day and Have A Coke Day May 9 is . . . Lost Sock Memorial Day May…

Read More

Politically Correct Guys & Gals

1. She is not a Babe or Chick – She is a Breasted American. 2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner – She is Vocally Appreciative. 3. She is not Easy – She is Horizontally Accessible. 4. She is not Dumb – She is a Detour Off The Information Highway. 5. She has not Been Around – She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion. 6. She is not an Air Head – She is Reality Impaired. 7. She does not get Drunk – She gets Chemically Inconvenienced. 8. She has not had Breast Augmentation – She is Medically Enhanced. 9….

Read More

Keep America Beautiful

Many of you 50 and older are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. You’re unsure about the kind of image you are projecting, and whether or not you are correct as you try to conform to the fashions that the designers inflict upon the world. So here are the results of a study of the situation. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and a bald spot 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirt and…

Read More

Life’s Little Philosophies

1. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often. 3. Going to a church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. It isn’t the jeans that make your butt look fat. 5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9….

Read More

4-D Printers

by Doug Rabbit Sutherland ‘Ol Bernie Madoff would be proud! He really would!  It’s true! Because I’ve hatched a jail-proof scheme Who’s time is clearly due! We charlatans of noble stripe Have one stone in our sling: To stay one step ahead of folks Obsessed with “The Next Thing!” Now, 3-D printers, as you know, Have galvanized the world. So, what would be the next big thing That begs to be unfurled? Why, 4- printers!  Clear as day! And, I have them in stock! And, for a measly hundred grand You’ll be first on your block To copy things that…

Read More

Husbands & Wives

Continuing with the husbands understanding their wives theme, our super crack Excentric World investigators look at the odd ways in which men choose to communicate their feelings. While it is doubtful that the owner of this Volkswagen Golf is a man, as most men would leave this vehicle for their wives to drive while they zip around town in the coupe, it is certain some maladjusted male, with decent printing skills and a finger most likely wiped on the side of his pants, scrawled this message onto the back of this SUV. Choosing to express his innermost feelings about his…

Read More