April 17, 2024

Horoscopes for December 1-7, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You’ll have a bizarre dream about a cow telling you to become a Hindu. Then you hear Sam Elliot tell you “Beef, it’s what’s for dinner” and become a Mormon.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll learn to take a moment before speaking this month. Each time you do, someone else says something that changes your thoughts. Good time to become a mime.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will be so proud of yourself this holiday season when you go on eBay and are the highest bidder, finally scoring that Cabbage Patch Doll.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Company that stopped by for Thanksgiving had such a good time that they will drop by again for Christmas. This would be a good time to find out who they are.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You will join a growing group of retired people calling yourselves Old Forest Area Recreational Trustees. People close to you will just call you the Old FARTS.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will finally take the hint this month after opening up all those holiday envelopes filled with gift certificates to support spas, therapy resorts and fat farms.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You’re very expressive and outgoing when it comes to your feelings and emotions. This will come in handy when complaining about your lousy Christmas gifts.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

This December will prove to be quite confusing for Scorpios. Music, theater, literature and romance were supposed to be at your disposal, not in your disposal.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will take time out this month for reflecting on the more important things in life. A few minutes later you will get back to your beer and football games.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You may lose control of color in your life this month. While everyone else is seeing things in vivid greens and reds, you will be limited to various tones of grey.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You will begin a crusade to show your family the finer things in life you experienced. The highlight will be restaurants with coloring menus and crayons.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You will realize that you have a real appreciation for ideas and thoughts. This is a good thing, because you have had so few ideas and thoughts of your own.

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