March 22, 2019

UFO Resembles a Ford Station Wagon

Q: An ABC morning show recently revealed a woman was cut off on the highway to her home at about 4am by two alien beings in a spaceship shaped like a Ford station wagon–before it took off surrounded by green, blue and red flames. She took off, speeding home and slammed the door shut behind her. What kind of UFO resembles a Ford station wagon?

A: The only experience I have of a Ford station wagon passing anyone moving was in National Lampoon’s Vacation. As far as the colored flames, my guess is it was the highway patrol chasing the misguided Ford.


 

Q: On a dark, desert highway, cool wind in my hair, warm smell of Colitas rising up through the air, up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light. My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim. I had to stop for the night. There she stood in the doorway, I heard the mission bells. And I was thinking to myself, “This could be heaven and this could be hell.” Has anyone else you know of had this same experience?

A: It sounds to me like you’ve been burning a few too many Little Tails.


 

Q: Billy Ray Cyrus has plans to work with his twenty-one year old son, Trace Cyrus, on a new series set for the Syfy channel. Billy Ray and Trace are leaning into the paranormal with a new series titled “UFO: Unbelievably Freakin’ Obvious.” On the show, the two will investigate conspiracy theories. What odds do you give the show of survival?

A: They might stand a ghost of a chance, but odds are, if Trace’s acting abilities mimic those of his dad, they’re both headed for an Achy, Breaky Heart.


 

Q: Fortune tellers in Warren, Mich., must now be fingerprinted and pay an annual fee of $150 — plus $10 for a police background check — to practice their craft. The new rules are among America’s strictest on palmists, fortune readers and other psychics, part of a growing push to regulate a business that has never been taken, or overseen, very seriously. But officials in Warren, a town of 138,000 near Detroit, say it’s time to weed out tricksters. Don’t people who place stock in the prognostications of those looking into crystal balls deserve to be duped? Would Sedona consider such a move?

A: There was probably a rash of charlatans migrating to the area brought on by the state’s economic woes. For $20, psychics from all mediums were telling residents they saw them losing their jobs in the near future. Duh! In Sedona, most forecasting is of the weather. And they’re usually wrong!


 

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