April 25, 2024

Horoscopes for August 25-31, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will find unexplained spots showing up on parts of your body. Fortunately, they will be in places that no one but you and your Hanes will ever see.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

This is a good time to buy a new car. It doesn’t have to be a new, new car. It can be a new, used car or truck or motorcycle. No, no motorcycles. Remember your bike?

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will smile all the time right now. This is confusing, because you are not a happy person. Your family and friends will become suspicious and abandon you.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You will have a hard time convincing friends and loved ones that you are ill. If things get seriously worse, tell them, remember, even hypochondriacs get sick.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You will finally meet a Mermaid while boating in August. She’ll offer to answer any one question. The meaning of life? No! You’ll ask, “What’s the best tuna?”

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’ll get invited to a neighborhood pool party soon. Don’t go unless you are fully clothed from head to toe. There will be small children there, for Pete’s sake.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

August finds you answering that email for a free Tarot reading. Don’t be surprised when the reading reveals that you will sign up for weekly readings at $75 per.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll be forced to use drastic measures to get the attention you need from your family this month, but playing the accordion may be considered cruel and unusual.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will have a few too many watermelon shooters at a tennis match this month. Shouting that’s it’s all a racket and something about balls just compounds things.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

This is a good time to meditate and get in touch with your inner child. It may sound funny, but snap out of it immediately if his name is Chucky.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’ll go trolling for a date in the fruit and vegetable section of your grocers again this month. Try hanging out somewhere besides the cucumber and zucchini area.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
You will offer advice that will cause a friend to turn on you. The next time someone asks your counsel, tell them your wand broke and you lost your crystal balls.

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