February 25, 2024

Horoscopes for November 9-15, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You’ll learn of Festivus, dash out to find an undecorated aluminum pole and spaghetti, practice wrestling and airing your grievances. You’ve never been so happy.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

December is traditionally a month for celebrating friends and family members home. Your family, resembling the Grizwalds, will hit the casinos for days.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You’ll start wearing a large silver cross around your neck after Christmas. Everyone will think you found religion. Little will they know, you just found the cross.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanza, Festivus – you’ll be needing a vacation after the new year to recover from all the celebrating. Don’t you just love this time of year?

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This month, Leos will be escaping their winter wonderlands in search of warm, sunny skies. Polar bear Leos will be the only ones dreaming of a White Christmas.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’ll spend hours in front of mirrors practicing saying, “It’s terrific. Thanks. I just love it.” The tough part will be looking sincere when you open the pajamas.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This month will find you feeling philosophical. The phrase, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life” leaves you pondering – what does that make yesterday?

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Following celebrities getting in trouble related to their sport, fighters fighting, racers speeding, singers lip-sinking, you’ll get arrested for flossing people’s teeth.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You’ll have too much to drink at the office Christmas party, wake up naked, in your boss’ office, covered in Silly String, stuck to the leather sofa. Now that’s a party.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Inspired by Joe Evrard’s Excentric column last month, you’ll surprise your friends and family with a five course holiday meal made entirely from Spam.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This year, you’ll gather at the holiday dinner table to give thanks. You’ll be thankful for your family for inspiring your endless list of New Year’s resolutions.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Two new moons have been found around Pluto, the planet astrologers want demoted to a star. Pisces will support Pluto by mooning everyone Dec 23rd.

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