October 20, 2018

Leash-free

POOCH CORRECT NEWS: The town of Hillsboro, Oregon has built a leash-free dog park named for Hondo, a police dog killed ten years ago chasing a suspect. A fire hydrant was painted as an American flag, as a further tribute to him. The hydrant had to be removed after a number of people complained that dogs did not respect the flag, refusing to salute and by doing what they normally do on fire hydrants.

HAUTE CUISINE NEWS: Tim Janus, of New York City, has won the world burrito-eating championship by eating 10-3/4 eighteen-ounce burritos in 12 minutes. Other competitors included Jason “Crazy Legs” Conti, Tim “Gravy” Brown, and Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas who won the world lobster-eating title in Kennebunkport. The former burrito record-holder, Eric “Badlands” Booker, has retired from competitive eating, and wasn’t on hand to defend his title. After his victory Janus said, “I love Mexican food.” Who says Americans live decadent, meaningless lives?

COVER-UP NEWS: Former Arizona Governor Fyfe Symington says the government must tell the truth about UFOs and quit covering up the fact that they exist. Then he just disappeared.

HOLIDAY NEWS: The Jones Soda Company now offers holiday sodas in your favorite flavors. The Christmas pack includes flavors like Sugar Plum, Egg Nog and Christmas Ham. The Hanukkah pack will have Jelly Doughnut, Apple Sauce and Latkes. All sodas are certified Kosher. No Kwanza flavors are planned for this season.

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