August 8, 2022

Horoscopes for July 7-13, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will be greatly disappointed this month when you try to sell your doggie’s feces in the shape of Elvis’s face on ebay for $5,000 and don’t get any bids.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You will celebrate too early over the invention of the Virtual Jump Rope when sued by the inventor of the Cordless Jump Rope. You’ll cease, no strings attached.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will try to publish a book about some strange happenings you have been experiencing while visiting the restroom. You’ll call your book, “The Toilet Zone.”

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You’ll be forced to make a difficult decision this month – to rid your driveway of pine needles with a leaf blower, a power hose or a broom. You’ll hire someone.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You will wake up during the middle of nights, unable to get back to sleep. You’ll be tired, cranky and slap-happy. This is not a good time to diet and exercise.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will be accused of smuggling exotic animals after your neighbor hears weird noises and squeals. The authorities will let you go, but keep the home video tapes.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Years of playing in the dirt will finally pay off. You’ll find a publisher into bulbs and worms willing to push “Dibbling Your Way To A More Perfect Hole.”

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You will read that someone you know is the descendant of Genghis Khan. Researching your family tree reveals your oldest ancestors were all accountants.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You may make millions if you can convince the high much-a-mucks at Budweiser to start putting the pictures of Dead-Beat-Dads on their bottles and cans.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You’ll decide to try your hand at golf this month. After dinging a few windshields and injuring an innocent bystander you’ll realize this is definitely the sport for you.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This month will find you having difficulty resisting temptation. The facts that if you’re caught you could go to jail and burn in hell should offer some incentive.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Things will go great for Pisces in July. This is your month. Eat, drink and be merry. Of course, August could spell ruin and disaster. But, hey, that’s 31 days away.

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