September 23, 2019

Horoscopes for January 27-February 2, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will try to continue passing the holiday spirit along by whistling carols. Joy will come to an abrupt stop when friends and co-workers Super Glue your lips. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be approached by the authorities soon for assault with intent to cause internal harm after relatives report you for re-gifting those nasty old fruitcakes. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will emerge from a life-long doubt about the existence of Santa Claus this month. You still didn’t receive any gifts, but your roof is covered in reindeer poop….

Astrology for the Weak January 20-26, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The beginning of a new year finds your wanderlust reaching near epidemic proportions. Even a flight on Southwest cattle-call airlines sounds pretty good. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Go ahead and ask yourself the really big questions. Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Am I fulfilled? Do I feel good? Why are we all here? Then get a Happy Meal. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’ ll be in a very lovey-dovey kind of place this month. There is almost certainly going to be a little hand holding and maybe even an…

Horoscopes for January 13-19, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You are getting back into the dating scene and seeking advice from your friends. They will tell you to just be yourself. I suggest you be someone interesting instead. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Careful what you wish for. After complaining about your paycheck, your boss may agree that your pay doesn’t match your work skills and cut your pay in half. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will come under attack by a person wrapped in roast beef. You’ll protect yourself by slathering your body with mayonnaise and waving white bread. CANCER…

Horoscopes for January 6-12, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Dreams do come true. If you’re doubtful, trust your antennae and wait. Of course, people will tend to stare at you if you attach aluminum foil for better reception. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ ll be bitten by the travel bug in January. Unfortunately, it will be venomous and force you to stay close to home and drink yucky tasting green liquids. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You begin the New Year with more money than expected. Surprisingly, many of your Christmas gift included receipts, making them easy to return for cash….

Horoscopes for December 30, 2012-January 5, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will develop a craving for fish and peas this month. Knowing that those are favorites of Santa’s elves makes one pause to wonder if you make toys for a living. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will peek at the gifts under the tree looking for that special gift from Santa. You’ll switch some of the tags and end up with your mom’s underwear, again. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be asked to come up with your special Sedona name now that you have lived there for a year. “Works…