November 13, 2018

Loch Ness Laps Stunt

NESSIE NEWS: One lap of Loch Ness was barely tolerable, but two more proved too much for a group of nude swimmers who surrendered to bad weather. The four men and two women, taking turns of an hour each, began their charity stunt at night and completed their first 23-mile lap the following morning. That was all, as temperatures sank and winds rose. According to monitors and observers the temperature and winds weren’t the only things sinking and rising. BOOK NEWS: Six Wisconsin library administrators have produced a sexy calendar they are selling to raise money for their libraries. Five…

Heavy Petters!

Profound and unique insight: You’re never too old to learn! The other evening I was porch settin’ with my cat, Buckshot, when he turned to me and asked why I hadn’t used my petters on him lately. Intrigued, I asked what in the world did he mean by “petters?” His answer provided a fascinating glimpse into the workings of the feline mind. It seems that cats are very much aware of the differences between themselves and humans. That awareness includes realizing that we have things at the ends of our arms that are different from their paws. These things we call…

Dangerous Horseplay

Numerous scientific and government studies have shown that occupations related to dealing with animals are the most dangerous. There’s always the possibility of being bit, scratched, clawed, mauled, kicked, butted, bucked, squeezed, stepped on, knocked down, run over, or in the case of small dogs, barked to death. The danger varies proportionally with the size of the animal. Horses fall into the category of large. I’m not talking about the obvious risks such as getting bucked off into a bed of prickly pear cactus, flattened against a stall wall, a playful nip from teeth capable of pulling railroad spikes, or…

Intoxicating License Plate

DRY STATE NEWS: Merlot can be a variety of grape or a type of red wine, but not an acceptable personalized license plate in the state of Utah. The Utah Tax Commission told the owner that he had to remove it because the state doesn’t allow words of intoxication to be used on vanity plates. Someone should tell the Utah Tax Commission that Merlot also is a variety of grape, originating in southern France and Italy. Snitching drivers are now on the lookout for the plates Muskat, Champagne and Concord. ANIMAL LOVING NEWS: A man from Flushing, Michigan is loving…

Bugs: The Other, Other White Meat

Inside the News DYSFUNCTIONAL POLITICS NEWS: Three members of a Michigan city council have abstained from voting on a measure that would have prevented them from abstaining on future votes. Two council members voted yes, and two voted no. With the three abstaining from voting on abstaining, the motion failed. This is what happens when the public abstains from voting. We get the best politicians money can buy. GOT YOUR GOAT NEWS: A goat, possibly headed to slaughter, made a daring escape into traffic on a busy highway in New Jersey. The animal managed to evade Jersey City police officers…

Drug Possession on Horseback

GIDDY UP NEWS: A woman who went for a horseback ride through Sylvania, Alabama allegedly used the horse to ram a police car and was charged with driving under the influence and drug offenses. The woman was charged with DUI for allegedly riding the horse under the influence of a controlled substance. She was also charged with drug possession, possession of drug paraphernalia, resisting arrest, assault, attempting to elude police and cruelty to animals. She plans to use the horse’s ass defense. A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME NEWS: Metallica may be a cool name for a heavy metal band,…

Inside the Anthill

Sitting on the porch the other day watching the clouds roll by, I felt something tickling my leg. There was an ant making his way up my lego. Not wanting to appear rude by just brushing him off or smashing him to a pulp, I said, “Hi there, Mr. Ant. Where are you going in such a hurry?” Imagine my surprise when he answered me, “Oh, hello. I’m looking for ant food. You don’t happen to have any ant food, do you?” “Well,” I replied, “now that you mention it, I don’t even know what ants eat.” He stared straight…

The Cat and the Cabbie…

We were dressed and ready to go out for a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the…

Countersuit

TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS NEWS: Roy L. Pearson Jr. wanted to dress sharply for his new job as an administrative law judge in Washington, D.C. So when his neighborhood dry cleaner misplaced a pair of expensive pants he had planned to wear his first week on the bench, Judge Pearson sued the owners for 67.3 million dollars. Fortunately, he lost. Let’s hope he loses his shirt in a countersuit. DRUGS & KIDS NEWS: Investigators in Gulfport, Florida arrested a 14-year-old boy who apparently dialed a really, really wrong number. Authorities said the boy offered to sell drugs to the person…

Signs of Things to Come

Our Excentric World staff members take a look at the signs of things to come. Taking the lead from politicians who  refuse to compromise their ideological  blueprint stamped into their psyche from their limited education and experience, this doggie decided the best way to deal with the restrictions of regulations was to remove the obstacle preventing the sharing of opinions with colleagues.   Related posts: An Editorial from Excentric World The C C ‘n R’s

Animal Communication

Q:  I read an article about “animal communicators,”  a growing number of people who say they have the psychic ability to communicate telepathically with various animals. Primates, most notably Koko, a gorilla who was taught sign language and has a vocabulary of more than 600 words may serve as an example. Koko is able to articulate basic desires as what and when she wants to eat, how she “feels” about many things. Does this prove it is possible to communicate with other animals, like our pets? A: Most men don’t communicate as well as Koko about their feelings. My dog…

Observing Sleep

At a relatively young age, say 20 something, I watched several minutes of Andy Warhol’s five-hour film “Sleep,” showing only a nude man sleeping through the night. There were no explosions, no trysts, just frame after frame of a nude man sleeping. Although critics determined to catch the avant garde wave insisted on making a fuss over this contribution to Warhol’s self-made mythology, I found myself bored and walked out of the theater. And later, when friends asked what I thought about “Sleep,” I just couldn’t bring myself to engage in a serious discussion of the film’s purported outrageousness, its capacity to irritate or the…

Stealing Not Done by Clown

CRIME WAVE NEWS: Ronald MacDonald, an employee at a Manchester, N. H. Wendy’s Restaurant has been charged with stealing money from a safe. The 22-year-old MacDonald was detained at the store until police arrived after the crime was witnessed and reported by the manager. The sad part is the local paper felt it necessary to say he wasn’t related to Ronald McDonald, the clown. INDIANA INTELLIGENT DESIGN NEWS: Indiana Police were trying to determine the origin of a runaway ostrich that led officers on chase through neighborhood streets and yards. The bird eluded officers in St. John for about two…

Key Lime Pie Battle

LEGAL NEWS: A Florida state legislator who was locked in a fierce battle over making key lime pie Florida’s official pie has given up. Rep. Dwight Stansel, a pecan farmer, lobbied for pecan pie to be chosen. He later gave in to public sentiment and key lime pie is now the official pie of Florida. Arizona legislators are rumored to be considering lemons as the state fruit, but are still arguing over who should pick them. MODERN MORALITY NEWS: At two Rolling Hills Consolidated Library branches in Savannah and St. Joseph, Missouri, a children’s book about two male penguins that…