December 13, 2017

Cyanide Cloud

MENTAL ENVIRONMENT NEWS: Authorities arrested a woman who told people at gas stations and hotels in the Village of Oak Creek, near Sedona, AZ, that they needed to evacuate because a cloud of cyanide gas was approaching from Phoenix. There was no cyanide cloud, and 55-year-old Christine Ann Long of Scottsdale was arrested on charges of disorderly and unreasonable noise. The only cloud turned out to be the fog in the woman’s mind.

SUCKING NEWS: A 70-year-old man was charged with grand theft after police watched him siphon off more than 900 gallons of gasoline from underground storage tanks at two gas stations in Lakeland, FL. Police believe the thief had been doing this since January. Not the usual complaint about a Florida senior with gas.

ROBBING THE CRADLE NEWS: A 106-year-old man and an 81-year-old woman married in a city in southeastern China. Pan Xiting met his bride Chen Adi eight years ago, and she has taken care of him since. Their former spouses died years ago. “Now, we are a family and we will never separate from each other until death,” Pan said. Their honeymoon was brief. Viva Viagra!

TRAFFIC NEWS: Ventura County sheriff’s deputies were stunned to find an alligator crossing an intersection in Thousand Oaks, CA. Deputies arrived and found a 2.5 foot-long gator. They hesitated at first because the gator was in a cross-walk and crossing with the light, but decided to tape its mouth shut and take it to an animal shelter, a method now being suggested for jay-walking humans.

THE NAME GAME NEWS: The Eau Claire, Wisconsin Archery Park needs a new name. The park is next to the Eau Claire River, and the city had developed earthen berms and even an archery tower for deer hunters to practice shooting from a platform. The city now bans archery there. Maybe the city doesn’t get the point.

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