November 13, 2018

Aromatherapy

Being married gives us guys an opportunity to try things we might otherwise miss out on. My wife told me that she had signed us up for a class, about three hours long, but said nothing more. I figured this was not debatable and the less I knew, the better off I’d be, so I didn’t ask any questions. As we prepared for class, my wife read the brochure: “Wear comfortable clothes and bring a mat.” Since I rarely wear uncomfortable clothes, I was puzzled, but decided on jeans. What the brochure should have said was, “Wear clothes that allow…

On Marriage

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.” — Duane Dewel “In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.” — Helen Rowland “Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” — Jackie Mason “Marriage is like putting your hand into a…

Divorce-Say Dilemmas

Dear Frankly, I’m a separated 40-plus male “divorced” for many years in every way but legally. I posted a personal ad on a website and have been contacted by –and met–a number of women. There is one woman in particular that I am very interested in and have been spending a lot of time with. I have not told her I am still married and did not share this in my profile because I believed it would scare women away. When is the right time to come clean and admit my situation? Not Quite Divorced Dear Not Quite, My fourth…

Fun Raiser

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I’ve noticed, public radio’s Stopped begging for my car, Regardless of it runs or not Or if it’s plagued with tar! Apparently, they’ve changed their minds: They want my wife, instead! And, if I hesitate or balk, Then NPR is dead! Their pitch is quite familiar as The radio explained: They’ll tow her off regardless of The hundred pounds she’s gained, While celebrating loudly that At last, she will be free, Will earn a super tax break and, To boot, be rid of me! I have but one condition to Impose to grease the skids: They…

Tech Support for Spouses

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 , but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate   Dear Desperate, First, keep…

Snake Oil Love

The woman parked her car and climbed My steps and kicked my door! I opened up to face a girl That scared me to the core! “You’re nothing but a charlatan!” She screamed into my face, “A snake oil selling swindler, A vacuous disgrace!” She waved my column in the air; Her eyes were blazing red! “Oh dear,” I cried. “I’m falling fast! Just tell me, are you wed? “I’m looking for a woman and I think you’ll fit the bill. I’m hopelessly attracted to Your clear, abusive will! “My other marriages, for love, Were less than second rate. I’m…

Husbands & Wives

Continuing with the husbands understanding their wives theme, our super crack Excentric World investigators look at the odd ways in which men choose to communicate their feelings. While it is doubtful that the owner of this Volkswagen Golf is a man, as most men would leave this vehicle for their wives to drive while they zip around town in the coupe, it is certain some maladjusted male, with decent printing skills and a finger most likely wiped on the side of his pants, scrawled this message onto the back of this SUV. Choosing to express his innermost feelings about his…

Marry a Momma’s Boy?

Dear Frankly, I have been seeing a guy for 2 years. Ever since we started dating he has had another woman in his life — his mother. When she’s around, I do not exist! He uses her as his confidante and solicits her opinion about everything. I’ve expressed my discomfort with their relationship, but to no avail. There has been talk of our becoming engaged lately, but I can’t marry a man who puts his mother before me. Am I wrong to feel this way? Almost Engaged Emma Dear Engaged, My third husband was a momma’s boy. It was endearing,…

Party Pooping Remedy

Dear Frankly, I’m the kind of person who likes big gatherings of friends and family over the holidays. My husband of four years, who is Jewish, is an only child and never celebrated Thanksgiving and certainly had no Christmas Eve feast. He begrudgingly participates when everyone crowds the house, but disappears to the basement and the television while lively conversation takes place elsewhere. Should I just let him be or push him to join in? People Person Pam Dear People, Let him be. The holiday cheer will be over soon enough, but your husband will hopefully still be around. I…

Junior Partner

Dear Frankly, I have always looked for older men, but now I find myself in love with a man a few years my junior. I have not been this happy since my kids were born. He is very tender and loving, and his family has accepted me with open arms. I wonder, though, if he will get bored and look for a younger woman in a few years. What happens when I get flabby and sagging? Am I the only older woman who thinks this? Happy Hannah Dear Happy, Good for you, honey. It’s about time we girls get ourselves…

Marriage

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.” — Ambrose Bierce “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” — Al Bundy “I hate work. That’s why I got married.” — Peg Bundy “If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover…

Ancient Engravings Resembling Electric Lights and Generators

Q: The temple walls in Denera, dedicated to the Egyptian goddess Hathor, contain engravings that resemble electric lights and generators. Room 17 shows a depiction of braided cables leading to a box that engineers have identified as a primitive Crookes tube. The Crookes tube was the forerunner of the modern television tube. A van de Graaf generator is also portrayed, representing the generation of electricity. Egyptologists date this temple art to between 300 B.C. and 30 B.C. Is it possible there was electricity and television that long ago? A: Who knows? I just wonder how often they lost their signal…

Marry Your Sister’s Ex?

Dear Frankly, I am involved with my sister’s ex. We are in love and have recently moved in together. I am hoping our relationship be accepted by our families. I am worried about hurting my sister’s feelings. We found out that it is legal to marry each other here. He has asked and I want to. I guess what I’ve been looking for is someone’s blessing. My sister left the marriage and I cannot help that things worked out this way. Is there any way I can overcome our family issues? Confused Carla Dear Confused, When would it not be…

Love and Marriage

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” — Erich Segal “Love is a grave mental disease.” — Plato “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Grouch Marx “If we take matrimony at it’s lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised…

Key Lime Pie Battle

LEGAL NEWS: A Florida state legislator who was locked in a fierce battle over making key lime pie Florida’s official pie has given up. Rep. Dwight Stansel, a pecan farmer, lobbied for pecan pie to be chosen. He later gave in to public sentiment and key lime pie is now the official pie of Florida. Arizona legislators are rumored to be considering lemons as the state fruit, but are still arguing over who should pick them. MODERN MORALITY NEWS: At two Rolling Hills Consolidated Library branches in Savannah and St. Joseph, Missouri, a children’s book about two male penguins that…