August 20, 2019

Weight Loss Helper

WEIGHT LOSS NEWS: A man from Coon Rapids, Minnesota, noticed he lost a considerable amount of weight. Wanting to help his fellow man, he started offering neighbors the opportunity to freely mow his lawn to better their health. In the near future, he plans to offer a host of household chores to all of his neighbors and friends.

SPACE NEWS: Discovery spotted some whitish splotches on its black right wing edge that NASA officials said appeared to be bird droppings that withstood Florida thunderstorms, a mighty launch and a burst upward through Earth’s atmosphere. Perhaps NASA engineers could use the bird poop to secure the shuttle’s foam insulation.

PARKING NEWS: Over a five-year period, diplomats accumulated 150,000 unpaid parking tickets in New York, racking up $18 million in unpaid fines. The worst offenders were Kuwait, which averaged 246.2 unpaid tickets per diplomat per year, followed by Egypt, with 139.6; Chad, with 124.3; and Sudan, with 119.1. Fortunately, city employees were able to track down most illegally parking Americans to collect on unpaid tickets to offset the diplomatic deadbeats.

OHIO NEWS: The Chauncey Emergency Management Group places an old-fashioned, wooden outhouse on a lawn with a donation box where the toilet bowl should be and a sign on the door that says “Redneck Wishing Well.” People who find the latrine in their yard chip in to get it shipped out. They also get to pick the next home it graces. Hopefully, no unsuspecting visitor will mistake the pretend potty for the real thing.

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