Lesser Known April Holidays
April 2nd is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day! April 1 is . . . One Cent Day April 2 is . . . National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day April 3 is . . . Tweed Day and Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day April 4 is . . . Tell-A-Lie Day April 5 is . . . Go For Broke Day April 6 is . . . Sorry Charlie Day April 7 is . . . No Housework Day April 8 is . . . All Is Ours Day April 9 is . . . Winston…
Inequality Between The Sexes
Excentric World staff members take a look at the continual inequality between the sexes. Ladies Night continues to bring in the women who are let into nightclubs free of charge and offered drink specials at bars. Knowing that where the women are, men will follow, owners of drinking establishments continue to entice women with special rates not offered to men. Most men rarely complain about the unequal treatment because they realize that the greater number of women in attendance correspondingly increases their chances of getting lucky. The only women, besides Gloria Steinem styled feminists, who consider the bait bars and…
Horoscopes for March 31-April 6, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you will consider voluntarily seeking professional mental therapy. After some serious thought, an invisible giant rabbit convinces you otherwise. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll have a bad time with friends and relatives after getting a fortune cookie that you thought said “you’re rude today” and you mistreat everyone for 24 hours. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will need to avoid the sun, especially with this global climate change thing. You will overhear some people talking as you walk by, calling you an old raisin. CANCER (June 21 – July…
Disapproval
by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland Congressional approval has Completely gone to hell! Just nine percent of people think That Congress doesn’t smell! Which means that the electorate Ranks cockroaches above Their view of legislators in The battle for their love! And, also ranking higher than That noble band of thieves Are root canals and traffic jams And colonoscopies! And, head lice beat the buggers, too! And, Genghis Khan and France! They also lost to butt cracks that Peek over low slung pants! But, still, that Gang’s more popular Than ticks or bleeding scabs, Mad Cow Disease and lobbyists, Ebola and meth…
4 Booze Myths Demythstified
I’ve been dealing quite a bit with the public lately in regards to booze, and it surprises me how much the incorrect myths regarding beverages become entrenched in the minds of people. I wanted to set the record straight on a few things to better educate the readers who enjoy a tasty glass of EtOH (that’s the common chemical abbreviation for ethanol). Myth #1 – The Sulfite-Free Wine The first myth that needs dispelling is sulfites in wine. There is no such thing as sulfite free wine. All fermented beverages will have at least some amount of trace sulfites as they’re…
Drive-thru Donut Dilemma
It was my turn to bring donuts to work, so I made a detour to the donut shop. Because it was a little after 5 AM, I was not surprised when I saw only one car in the parking lot. The lights were on inside the building, but no customers and only one employee behind the counter. “Great,” I thought, “no line.” I tried the door and found it locked. No problem, I went down a little way, and tried the other door. It was locked, too. Confused, I looked at the woman inside, and she waved her arm around…
The Advantages of Marrying a Momma’s Boy
Dear Frankly, I love your columns! I am planning to marry the man of my dreams next June. We have been dating for over a year and are sooooo much in love. We want to have a huge outdoor wedding in Sedona. Although his parents are wonderful, I’m a little concerned about the role that they still play in his life…particularly his mother. She still does my fiancé’s laundry, cooks his lunches daily and cleans his house. What do you think? Marching to Marriage Dear Marching, My fifth husband also was a momma’s boy. I suggest you marry him, let…
Day Care Disciplinary Practices
Excentric World staff members take a look at questionable day care disciplinary practices. Parents have been complaining about the inordinate amount of duct tape adhesive having to be removed from their children’s clothing. This picture was taken by one of the other children using their new iPhone. The day care worker explained that the child taped to the wall was being given a “time-out.” Due to a shortage of personnel, and the Criss Angel-like ability to escape from the usual time-out, the child had to be taped to the wall. The employee said it made it easy to keep an…
Ghost Erasing Photos?
Q: I read where a guy vacationing in New Brunswick took a picture at the mouth of one of the caves along the cliffs there. He later saw that besides his daughters and a couple of tourists, there was the glowing image of a man who hadn’t been there when the photograph was taken. The photographer said he doesn’t believe in ghosts, but has no idea how the image appeared. After sharing it with a media source, the image on his phone went dark. Could the apparition have erased the evidence of his existence? A: I’d like to know how…
The Cat and the Cabbie…
We were dressed and ready to go out for a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the…
Wal-Mart Wine
Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said, “The right name is important.” So, here goes: The top 12 suggested names for…
They Not Only Write To Santa Claus…
Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Billy Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet Dear God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told…
Mom’s Urn Stirring Up Trouble
Q: My mom was not the nicest person in the world and upset a few people while she was alive. Now that she has passed, I have brought her ashes into my home in a lovely urn. I’m wondering if can I should keep my mother’s ashes in my new home if my mother had such strong negative energy, because ever since I brought my mothers ashes in my house weird stuff has been happening. Can negative people leave their essence behind in ashes? A: I hope not. My friend has the ashes of her dog that bit everybody and…
Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO
1. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters. 2. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “Turn left when you enter the trailer park.” 3. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. 4. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter. 5. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “an apple a day.” 6. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 7. Patient responsible for “200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo. 8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 9. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different…
Cyanide Cloud
MENTAL ENVIRONMENT NEWS: Authorities arrested a woman who told people at gas stations and hotels in the Village of Oak Creek, near Sedona, AZ, that they needed to evacuate because a cloud of cyanide gas was approaching from Phoenix. There was no cyanide cloud, and 55-year-old Christine Ann Long of Scottsdale was arrested on charges of disorderly and unreasonable noise. The only cloud turned out to be the fog in the woman’s mind. SUCKING NEWS: A 70-year-old man was charged with grand theft after police watched him siphon off more than 900 gallons of gasoline from underground storage tanks at…
Today’s Woman on Aging
When we age, the growth of hair on our legs slows down. Of course, now we have to take care of our newly acquired mustaches. When we age, we no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. When we age and we stand naked in front of a mirror, we can see our rear without turning around. When we age and go for a mammogram, we realize that this is the only time someone will ask us to appear topless. When we age, we want to tell all those lovely young things in tube tops to enjoy because the…
Horoscopes for March 17-23, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A revelation about energy will come to you this month after you keep pressing harder and harder on the remote control when the batteries are getting weak. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll buy a new pair of jeans and tennis shoes to go bungee jumping. Later you’ll discover that was like Kamikaze pilots wearing helmets before their big day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a sudden urge to drive to Surprise, Arizona this month. Once you arrive, you’ll find there is absolutely nothing there to do. Surprise! CANCER (June…
Chapter Titles from “The First Truly Useful Golf Book”
1. How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt 2. How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off the Tee 3. How to Get More Distance Off the Shank 4. Crying and How to Handle It 5. How to Rationalize a 6-hour Round 6. How to Find That Ball that Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water 7. Why Your Wife Doesn’t Care That You Birdied the 5th 8. How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome without Getting Embarrassed 9. How to Relax When You Are Hitting 5 off the Tee 10….
Boyfriend Blues
Dear Frankly, I’m 50, so it’s all downhill from here. Since I don’t want to die alone, I’ve settled for an alcoholic workaholic, live-in boyfriend for the past four years who won’t marry me–in fact, he doesn’t even talk to me or take me out on dates. He’s a couch potato but he’s optimistic and upbeat and has promised to be more available in the future. I’ll be working forever to pay off the debts I’m accruing taking care of us. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions for me? Confused Connie Dear Confused, In the four years you…
Virtue
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.” — Woody Allen “Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present.” — Roger Babson “Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity, by…
Good Ol’ American Ingenuity
Excentric World staff members look at good ol’ American ingenuity. Many people facing economic hardships are stretching not only their hard earned dollars, but their imaginations as well. While some traded steak for hamburger, others searched their homes for repair items. This homeowner has taken what at first seems to be an ordinary glass jar that once probably held a warehouse store’s super family size pepperoncini and converted it to a handy and decorative mailbox. Held in place using duct tape, one of the life’s staples, the clear receptacle is the perfect vessel for the Publisher’s Clearinghouse winning envelope. …
Missing Time after a Trip to Walgreen’s
Q: I was at a neighborhood gathering where the conversation of time-lapse came up. This couple shared a story of how they recently went together to a Walgreens, their doctor’s office and several other places with no recollection of any of them. I have heard of examples of people missing time for a few minutes or longer, but not for an entire day. This is disturbing. Are you aware of similar events taking place over an entire day? A: If Walgreens was the first stop, where perhaps they picked up a prescription, what disturbs me most is that they drove…
Horoscopes for March 10-16, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) March is a good month for you to buy binoculars and join the Audubon Society. It will also be a good month to invest in some new headgear and lens cleaner. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Pay attention to your surroundings this month and learn more about yourself. If small animals are scattering when you pass, your cologne may be a bit strong. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month you will get yourself out of a jam and find you are well preserved. It’s dealing with jelly that will cause you serious…
Go Green . . . Bring Back the Clothes Line
You may have to be a “certain age” to appreciate this article. But you younger ones can read about “The good ol’ days”! (If you don’t even know what clotheslines are, then better skip this.) Many Boomers can hear their mothers still as she explained how to hang the wash… You had to hang the socks by the toes…not the top. You hung pants by the bottoms/cuffs…not the waistbands. And all clothes had to be turned inside out just because a bird might fly overhead and you didn’t want that showing. I didn’t want that next to my skin, but…
Recalculate
It’s true: one billion people are On Facebook day and night! Mark Zuckerberg keeps telling us His math is true and right. Now, I don’t doubt his numbers but I think I smell a rat. “There are,” my grandpa wisely said, “Two ways to skin a cat.” I think he meant the starting point Could be the nose and ears, Or, you could turn the cat around And start from his arrears! So, turning Facebook head to tail And counting from behind Illuminates the calculus With something new to find. It’s true! One billion people are On Facebook ’round the…
It’s for You…
by Joseph G. Evrard The other day I was contemplating the history of the telephone when it occurred to me that you might be interested in what people did before this modern age of instant communication–-cell phones, emails and social media mayhem. My daddy, who (as you will remember) was a mountain man, through and through, told me about life in the mountains before the telephone. The first way people had of communicating was to send smoke signals. It started like this. One day, old man Clem was sitting around his cabin thinking it would be good to have someone…
Journalism . . .
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: JOURNALISM “The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands.” –Oscar Wilde “We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.” –Dave Barry “I…
Hairline Cracked
North Korea appeared to have conducted its third underground nuclear bomb test, as the U.S. Geological Survey reported a seismic disturbance centered near the site of the secretive regime’s two previous nuclear (pronounced “new-clear”) (not “nuke-ya-ler”) tests. The president of North Korea takes time out of his busy day of having people salute him and sing him songs of praise to show the state controlled press the very spot where the blast could be felt. North Korea, not well known in the world of sports for its number of pro basketball players (namely none), showed very little concern that the…
The Wisdom of Miyagi
by Joel Mann One of the great cheesey movies from the 80’s is The Karate Kid. Say what you will about the acting, the general plot line, or even the ability of a teenager to learn martial arts at a black belt level in a few months. The real gem of the movie is Mr. Miyagi and his philosophy of life. Balance is the whole key. It’s the old wisdom of all things in moderation. A bit apropos tied into a discussion concerning alcohol. I bring the topic up not to beat the drum of a teetotaler or neo-prohibitionist, as…
Countersuit
TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS NEWS: Roy L. Pearson Jr. wanted to dress sharply for his new job as an administrative law judge in Washington, D.C. So when his neighborhood dry cleaner misplaced a pair of expensive pants he had planned to wear his first week on the bench, Judge Pearson sued the owners for 67.3 million dollars. Fortunately, he lost. Let’s hope he loses his shirt in a countersuit. DRUGS & KIDS NEWS: Investigators in Gulfport, Florida arrested a 14-year-old boy who apparently dialed a really, really wrong number. Authorities said the boy offered to sell drugs to the person…
