The Juniper Tonic
There’s one particular drink I have yet to touch on in the six plus years of writing this column–gin. That fact mostly comes from my personal preference, as I’ve never been a particular fan of gin. Ignoring it simply out of bias though is a disservice, as gin is still quite a popular beverage. Many people may see it as a cocktail spirit of an older generation, associated with the speakeasy era of prohibition and bootlegging. Many craft distillers though consider a well-made gin to be the pinnacle of artisan spirits, as it requires more finesse and skill to make…
Mother’s Day Ideas
These are the times that try guy’s souls. Mother’s Day was created for three reasons. One, to sell greeting cards and flowers. Two, to increase business at restaurants. Three, to drive guys nuts figuring out what they can “get away with.” That is, maximum impact for minimum hassle, just to get Mother’s Day behind them. (Come on, guys, don’t look at me like that. You know I’m telling the truth even if it isn’t pretty.) I once heard about a guy who completely FORGOT Mother’s Day, but I won’t go into detail. It wasn’t a pretty sight. Each year we…
Puzzled By Chevy and Dodge Pickups
When my wife says, “Just because,” I accept this as a valid reason without knowing why. I won’t extend this courtesy to other areas, however–that’s why I’m puzzled by Chevy and Dodge pickups. Both manufacturers have named their half-ton pickup “1500.” The Dodge was not always so. Not too long ago, it was just a Dodge Ram, but then it was changed to 1500, so there must be a reason. But 1500 what? Why not 1486 or 1633? If the company is intent on having “hundred” on the end, why not 14 or 16 hundred? Is there something magic about…
Headlines: The Year is 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States. Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Jihadist dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya and Afghanistan). France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but…
They Should’ve Run Out of Names, Already
With all the new models of cars, SUVs and trucks that have been introduced lately, I’m surprised they haven’t run out of names. I wonder if the various vehicle manufacturers have committees just for naming new models? Dodge has de facto reserved the ‘D’ models: Durango, Daytona, Dakota, etc. and Toyota has its Tundra and Tacoma (even though I think it should have been Tundra and Lightning.) I don’t know how they ever let Tahoe and Trooper get away. This makes me realize how smart Ford was when they latched on to the ‘Ex’ names. No other manufacturer is going…
Americans with No Abilities Act Passes
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Congress quietly approved sweeping legislation which provides new benefits for millions of Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), expected to be signed into law by the president shortly after inauguration, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the hordes of Americans who lack any real working skills or ambition. “Roughly 25 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said an unidentified congressman and longtime AWNAA supporter. “This is why many of them vote for me term after…
Decorating Differences Between the Sexes
If ever there was an area in which guys and girls are different, it’s decorating! Women were born to decorate room after room after room in their houses and to talk about it incessantly with their girlfriends. Guys were born to pay for all the decorating the women want to do and to keep their mouths shut about it or at most murmur an occasional, “Yes, dear.” This tradition has been in place since the creation of men and women. Way back in the days of the cave men, the wife would go out and find just the right shade…
Hot Videos This Week
How Animals Eat Their Food… Over 44 million views. See if you can keep a straight face. Vaseline High Five… Slimy prank of the week. Bubba’s Hover Golf Cart… Taking golf carts to a whole new level. Russian Cat and Vaccuum Cleaner… Strange, but cute, cat behavior. Stars Wars Retold by Someone Who Hasn’t Seen It… A retelling of the Star Wars Trilogy like you’ve never heard it before. [fwvvw id=2809991] Then hit the Back button to return and let us know which video was your favorite. Related posts: A Week at the Gym
The Bagpiper
As a bagpiper, I play many different gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and, being a typical man, I didn’t bother to stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently left, as the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they…
Four by Four?
Was I sleeping or out of town when they changed the definition of the term “4×4”? I first wondered about this when a few years ago I noticed an all-wheel drive, one-ton “dually” pick-up with “4×4” painted on the flared rear fender that is so distinctive of the breed. At first I thought that I was mistaken or the owner had transplanted a fender from a different truck, but then I saw another one a few days later. Not long after that I noticed another manufacturer had it painted on the tailgate. Finally, the last of the three U.S. truck…
Out of the Mouths of Kids
The following are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children in 5th and 6th grade in Ohio: “Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don’t really understand. The English and French still have problems.” “Queen Elizabeth was the ‘Virgin Queen.’ As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah!” and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.” “It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and…
Inside the Anthill
Sitting on the porch the other day watching the clouds roll by, I felt something tickling my leg. There was an ant making his way up my lego. Not wanting to appear rude by just brushing him off or smashing him to a pulp, I said, “Hi there, Mr. Ant. Where are you going in such a hurry?” Imagine my surprise when he answered me, “Oh, hello. I’m looking for ant food. You don’t happen to have any ant food, do you?” “Well,” I replied, “now that you mention it, I don’t even know what ants eat.” He stared straight…
Are Men Really Listening? Probably Not!
While some men certainly have come a long way in the area of women’s issues, there evidently is still a lot of room for improvement. Take this refrigerator door posting as an example. After his wife had awakened early to get the children off to school after feeding them breakfast and preparing their lunches, she kissed him goodbye, handing him his coffee and newspaper as she headed off to her full-time job. Then the home phone rang. His wife had given her doctor’s office their home phone number to avoid a call while at work on her cell phone. After…
Lesser Known April Holidays
April 2nd is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day! April 1 is . . . One Cent Day April 2 is . . . National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day April 3 is . . . Tweed Day and Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day April 4 is . . . Tell-A-Lie Day April 5 is . . . Go For Broke Day April 6 is . . . Sorry Charlie Day April 7 is . . . No Housework Day April 8 is . . . All Is Ours Day April 9 is . . . Winston…
4 Booze Myths Demythstified
I’ve been dealing quite a bit with the public lately in regards to booze, and it surprises me how much the incorrect myths regarding beverages become entrenched in the minds of people. I wanted to set the record straight on a few things to better educate the readers who enjoy a tasty glass of EtOH (that’s the common chemical abbreviation for ethanol). Myth #1 – The Sulfite-Free Wine The first myth that needs dispelling is sulfites in wine. There is no such thing as sulfite free wine. All fermented beverages will have at least some amount of trace sulfites as they’re…
Drive-thru Donut Dilemma
It was my turn to bring donuts to work, so I made a detour to the donut shop. Because it was a little after 5 AM, I was not surprised when I saw only one car in the parking lot. The lights were on inside the building, but no customers and only one employee behind the counter. “Great,” I thought, “no line.” I tried the door and found it locked. No problem, I went down a little way, and tried the other door. It was locked, too. Confused, I looked at the woman inside, and she waved her arm around…
The Cat and the Cabbie…
We were dressed and ready to go out for a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the…
Go Green . . . Bring Back the Clothes Line
You may have to be a “certain age” to appreciate this article. But you younger ones can read about “The good ol’ days”! (If you don’t even know what clotheslines are, then better skip this.) Many Boomers can hear their mothers still as she explained how to hang the wash… You had to hang the socks by the toes…not the top. You hung pants by the bottoms/cuffs…not the waistbands. And all clothes had to be turned inside out just because a bird might fly overhead and you didn’t want that showing. I didn’t want that next to my skin, but…
It’s for You…
by Joseph G. Evrard The other day I was contemplating the history of the telephone when it occurred to me that you might be interested in what people did before this modern age of instant communication–-cell phones, emails and social media mayhem. My daddy, who (as you will remember) was a mountain man, through and through, told me about life in the mountains before the telephone. The first way people had of communicating was to send smoke signals. It started like this. One day, old man Clem was sitting around his cabin thinking it would be good to have someone…
The Wisdom of Miyagi
by Joel Mann One of the great cheesey movies from the 80’s is The Karate Kid. Say what you will about the acting, the general plot line, or even the ability of a teenager to learn martial arts at a black belt level in a few months. The real gem of the movie is Mr. Miyagi and his philosophy of life. Balance is the whole key. It’s the old wisdom of all things in moderation. A bit apropos tied into a discussion concerning alcohol. I bring the topic up not to beat the drum of a teetotaler or neo-prohibitionist, as…
Lesser Known March Holidays
March 20th is Festival of Alien Abductions Day. March 1 . . . National Pig Day & Peanut Butter Lover’s Day March 2 . . . Old Stuff Day March 3 . . . I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day and National Anthem Day March 4 . . . Holy Experiment Day March 5 . . . Multiple Personalities Day March 6 . . . National Frozen Food Day March 7 . . . National Crown Roast Of Pork Day March 8 . . . Be Nasty Day March 9 . . . Panic Day March…
The Concept of Antiques
The concept of antiques has always puzzled me. I don’t give a hoot about the old junk itself, but the concept is intriguing. The same old furniture we couldn’t wait to get rid of thirty years ago is now valuable simply because we never reached the point of desperation where we needed to burn it for heat. Other pieces survived only because chrome-plated tubular steel, Formica, and beanbags don’t burn very well. The guy who came up with the antique idea has to be one of the greatest salesmen of all time. I think it had to be a guy…
The Spanish Computer
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.” “Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.” A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the Feminine gender (“la computadora”), because: 1. No one…
The Cutting Edge
What does it mean to be on the “cutting edge?” We hear of XYZ Computer Company being on the “cutting edge” of technology. Any high tech company worth its salt claims to be on the “cutting edge” of communication or medical treatment or fashion or pasta production or whatever. BUT the cutting edge is a risky place to be. Think about the implications. You have to keep moving to be effective. You’re doing things nobody has done before so you have no idea what you’re going to run into. Chances are, when you do run into something, it will nick…
It’s a Matter of Waste
Pictured above is a landfill–the place where unwanted waste is disposed of. Huge mounds of waste are dumped into behemoth holes in the earth dug specifically to hold everything discarded by humans. While much of what people toss into heaps is recyclable, people choose to bag it and drop it in their garbage cans along with a large amount of compostable waste, purely for convenience. Only around 25% of recyclable materials currently make it to recycle centers due to human laziness. Now, some haulers are trying to capitalize of people’s lack of knowledge and dump their recyclables in one container…
Wal-Mart Greeters Deserve Respect…
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.” “Yes, I know boss, and I am working on…
Dumb Driver Dilemma
I witnessed something disturbing while driving the other day. I saw a person driving the same make, model, year–even the same color–vehicle as mine. The disturbing part was that the other driver executed what I consider to be a particularly stupid driving maneuver. I won’t say what it was, in case that maneuver is a part of your normal driving repertoire, and it’s not important anyway. The important part is: how could a person who is so obviously intelligent when it comes to the selection of a motor vehicle be so patently stupid in its operation? What if one of my friends saw this other driver and thought it was me? Or what if he caused an accident, and I was arrested? Or the…
Blind and In the Dark
I’ve seen a few stories recently about trendy gimmicks in the dining world. My favorites are the restaurants that serve dinner in the dark or make patrons wear blindfolds as part of the meal. While I don’t advocate eating with the lights off, as it’s a recipe for spilling and slopping all over yourself, it does emphasize a key concept in the world of sensory perception. People in general are extremely visually dominant when it comes to the five senses. After sight comes hearing. That leaves the senses of smell, taste and touch lagging behind. The average person is quite often pressed to describe the world…
Lesser Known February Holidays
February 28th is Public Sleeping Day. February 1 is . . . . . Serpent Day February 2 is . . . . . Purification Day February 3 is . . . . . Cordova Ice Worm Day February 4 is . . . . . Create A Vacuum Day February 5 is . . . . . Disaster Day February 6 is . . . . . Lame Duck Day February 7 is . . . . . Charles Dickens Day February 8 is . . . . . Kite Flying Day February 9 is . . . ….
Strange Combinations
Some things just go together naturally–like peanut butter and jelly, Abbot and Costello, wine and cheese, and movies and popcorn. Lately I’ve become aware of a number of things that you wouldn’t expect to find paired up. I thought you’d enjoy hearing about some of them. Several years ago at the “Skippy Research Institute,” scientists crossed an elephant with peanut butter. This union produced two types of offspring. One was peanut butter with a long memory. The other was an elephant that stuck to the roof of your mouth. Cotton is combined with many other fibers to produce fabrics that…
