An Editorial from Excentric World
For more than 24 years, this paper has never used its position in the community to pontificate on any serious topic except to satirize it or hide it within the satire. Today, I make an exception due to the anger pervading in our country over the slaughter of innocents versus the individual rights defined in the 1st and 2nd Amendments to the Constitution of the United States. The initiative to draft papers representing a Union began when the Federal Convention convened in the State House (Independence Hall) in Philadelphia on May 14, 1787 to revise the Articles of Confederation. By June, it was clear…
Great Inventions!
by Joseph G. Evrard Staff Kentuckian Any discussion of great inventions will probably include things like the automobile, the airplane, the transistor and the bikini. All of these inventions were possible because of the work of previous inventors. Without the invention of rubber, it would have been impossible to make tires, so in order to invent the automobile, somebody had to first invent rubber. In like manner, the invention of the transistor depended on the earlier invention of the silicon chip upon which the transistor is manufactured. Similarly, the success of the bikini depended upon silicon (in the form of…
That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks
Harold was going fishing. He had looked forward to it for a long time. He finally took a day off and he was going. He didn’t bother to get up early. He had all day to take it slow, easy, and relax. His equipment was already in the boat, left there since his last trip. All that remained was to add ice and beer to the cooler, pack some sandwiches, and hook the boat trailer to the pick-up. Ready to go, he went inside to say good-bye to his wife. “Did you open the garage door?” she asked. That was…
FOOTBALL DEBATE…by Will Durst
Got an embarrassing admission here. Was scheduled to summarize the Democratic candidates debate last week but also had a deadline about the opening of the football season, and they kind of got mixed up together. Don’t you hate it when two things vie for your attention at the same time? Must be what’s making Donald Trump so irascible. Of course, when you get right down to it, the two do have quite a bit in common. Both politics and football are sports that don’t finish until there’s blood on the field. You cannot comment on either one without your trusty…
The Sirens and the Titans
It’s February. That means just one thing. It’s Stupor Bowl time. It wasn’t always this way. When I was a kid, the Stupor Bowl was in January. But that was before football—the American kind where they wear lots of pads, a helmet with a face mask and spend an inordinate amount of time touching one another—became a ‘big deal.” It was a time before they had sixteen teams to sort through before we knew who was playing. I don’t know if any of you were around in 1967, but I remember the first Stupor Bowl. The two teams got there…
The Bond Between a Man and His Hats
The other day my wife suggested that I discard a hat that I have owned for some time. Her exact words were, “How can you stand to put that grubby thing on your head? You have seventy-three hats, sixty-nine of which you’ve never worn. Get rid of it.” Obviously, she does not know the bond between a man and his hats. They’re actually caps, but I call them hats, because you put a cap on toothpaste, and you put a hat on your head. There’s a big difference (unless it’s a ball cap). A man needs only six hats: One…
The C C ‘n R’s
Many of us live in complexes or communities that are governed by a thin layer of bureaucracy referred to as a homeowners association. Most associations use a set of rules and regulations as a guideline for making decisions about our everyday lives. These rules are called “The C C & R’s.” According to the board of directors this stands for Covenants, Conditions & Restrictions, but I found out it really means Convoluted, Confusing & Really stupid. I will go over a few of the rules we live by and the real reasons for having them. Some of these rules may…
The Joys of Having Boys
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas… Things I’ve Learned from My Boys (honest, not kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman…
Remember When People Used to Say…
(1) “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00.” (2) “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one.” (3) “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.” (4) “Did you hear the post office might charge a dime to mail a letter?” (5) “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire help.” (6) “When…
Recent Adventures on the Drinking Trail
The winter season is always one of my favorite times of the year. In the booze world, it coincides with the release of all the fantastic seasonal beverages for fall and winter, particularly in the beer world. I’ve been busy as can be personally the last several months, so it’s always nice to take a moment to relax and enjoy the simple pleasure of a good meal and a tasty beverage. To start the New Year, I’m just going to recap a few of my recent enjoyable experiences in the drinking world, some seasonal, some not, that you hopefully get…
Real Guy Quiz Time
Have you ever looked in a “girl” magazine? They’re full of these stupid quizzes like, “Does your man really love you?” Or, “How can I tell if I’m REALLY in love?” Here, at last, is a quiz that makes sense for GUYS! 1. What does your wife/girlfriend do when you remind her that it’s goose season? (A) Launder your camouflage (B) Run to her mother’s house (C) Clean your shotgun (D) A and C 2. When your truck breaks down in the woods, do you: (A) Scream to the heavens, “Lord, why me?” (B) Start walking (C) Look in the…
The Bible According to Johnny
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, “Gimme a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because…
Calendars . . . FREE . . . and worth it!
If you are reading this, then you know, as I do, that the world did not end on December 21, 2012. Conspiracy theorists, New Age nincompoops and a cabal of defrocked priests with Internet divinity degrees have been saying for the last few years that life, as we know it, would cease to be on that auspicious date. The source of their purported knowledge was a calendar composed some 5,000 years ago and, according to scholars, distributed in hardware stores throughout the Mayan world, for free. I’m not sure if the prediction was based on the calendar itself or something…
Booms Rattle a Country?
Pictured above is a clip from the movie “Mars Attacks.” While this is clearly an animated character, it represents the big-headed aliens that are predicted to eventually launch an assault on Earth. Some people think the recent booms were sonic booms created by extraterrestrial aircraft zipping around the world. Rumors of an upcoming invasion are now reaching beyond the sets of Hollywood. While the Martians may not be little green men from outer space (there would have to be some women–unless, of course they would be coming here to take ours) they could, if they exist, still pose a serious threat…
Remedial Beer
I’ve spent years educating myself on the topic of booze, and sometimes take for granted that not everyone may understand what, to me, seems like common knowledge. I encounter frequent misinformation from the average consumer as a result, so every now and then I just feel the need to give an education lesson. I almost debated calling this article Beer 101, but that titling format gets far too over-used, and let’s face it, this is information you should know well before you ever dream of college studies. So I went with Remedial Beer, because this really is the 1+1=2 basics,…
Happy New Year!
Remember this time 13 years ago? Everybody was worried about being Y2K compliant and waiting with bated breath to see if airplanes would fall out of the sky at the stroke of midnight. Survivalists were holed up in their secret mountain fortresses guarding tons of freeze-dried food, alert and waiting to defend their strongholds against marauding hordes of city dwellers desperate for food and drink. Fly-by-night shysters were counting the mountains of money they made from the sale of emergency generators. Everyone was concerned. Everyone, that is, except our dogs and cats. They knew nothing about Y2K. When nothing happened,…
Amazing Marketing Types?
I am amazed at how some marketing types will attempt to make us think a particular attribute of a product is desirable. For example: A certain brand of cereal stays crispy until you have eaten the entire contents of the bowl. I, of course, have some questions: Is there a time limit on how long you can take to empty the bowl, or does it stay crispy forever? If it stays crispy until after you have consumed it, how do we know it EVER gets soft? As I eat my soggy corn flakes, or whatever, I take comfort in the fact…
Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever!
Excentric World continues its long-running tradition of publishing the recipe for Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever in its original form. It was first printed in 1991. Each year, it is rewritten in near its original form. Here’s what you’ll need: 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 stick butter 1 cup sugar 2 large eggs 1/4 cup brown sugar 1 cup dried fruit 1/4 cup chopped nuts 1 tsp. baking powder 1 tsp. baking soda 1 tsp. lemon juice Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring spoons and cup,…
Letter to Santa!
Dear Santa, Hi. How are you? I am fine. My name is Buck. How often do you visit Kentucky? At least once a year, I guess. That’s a good thing, because Kentucky has lots of kids like me who can’t wait for your visit at Christmas. I am writing to you to ask for Christmas presents for my family. They need a lot of things, so I hope you have a lot of room in your sleigh. Please bring my Daddy a new shotgun. He says that his old one just doesn’t shoot straight any more. He thinks that’s because…
Please Do Burn The Wine . . .
One of my favorite things when the weather gets colder is bundling up and enjoying a warming beverage. I like dark winter beers, or a shot of tawny port. I’ll even break out the occasional mug of hot chocolate on a cold night. One beverage I don’t drink often, but goes well during the holiday months and cold nights, is brandy. So, let’s delve into wine distillates and introduce you to Cognac, Armagnac, and plain old American brandywine. Brandy comes from the Dutch word brandewijn, which translates as burnt wine. Traditionally it’s the distilled spirit of grape wine, but any…
Unicorn Find Is Debunked
Pictured above is an artist’s rendition of a unicorn, the most important imaginary animal of the Middle Ages and Renaissance, when it was commonly described as an extremely wild woodland creature, a symbol of purity and grace, which could only be captured by a virgin. Until the 19th century, belief in unicorns was widespread among historians, alchemists, writers, poets, naturalists, physicians, and theologians. Since then, unicorns tend to exist only in the minds of children and those labeled “out there.” by Blodwyn Smythe, Excentric World’s Ace Reporter THE WORLD: News is that a group of archaeologists in Pyongyang, North Korea…
Not In Our Super Department Store
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists Mr. Fenton go with her to their Super Department Store. He gets bored with shopping and prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here’s a letter sent to her from the store’s manager. Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment and listed them below: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of…
An American Driver in Canada
I’m a good enough driver when I’m in familiar surroundings, but I’ll freely admit that I always seem to be in the wrong lane or fifty feet past my exit when driving in a strange city. If I’m driving a strange car, it just adds to the excitement. During one of our vacations, we flew to Seattle, rented a car, drove to Vancouver (that’s in Canada), and caught a ship for Alaska (that’s back in the United States). A trip of that length is fraught with hazards. The first thing I learned is that rental car companies try to trick…
The Sunday Paper
Ahhhh, Sunday. The day of rest. The day of relaxation. The day of exhaustion. From the newspaper. Let’s hear it for the Sunday paper. An institution that’s as American as apple pie and baseball. Sunday just wouldn’t be Sunday without a hearty breakfast and the Sunday paper. It offers stimulation for the mind, delight for the eyes, tantalizing recipes for the home cook and aerobic exercise for the lucky family member whose job it is to go out to the street to retrieve it. In our house that’s me. All efforts to get my wife or my cat, Buckshot, to…
Which Witch Will Twitch?
An Excentric World undercover reporter was recently dispatched to infiltrate the committee responsible for privatization of National Parks. To maintain his cover, photos had to be taken at night. Most park facilities include a visitors center, classrooms, theaters, gift shops, picnic tables, developed trails, restrooms and group areas with ramadas and facilities, some used for weddings. When revenue data was plugged in from the parks that included concessions, the computer hard drive fried. Danger, Will Robinson. by Blodwyn Smythe, Sedona’s Virtual Reporter SEDONA, AZ: Not too long ago, the Romanian government passed a witch tax. The tax levies a duty…
The Beer That Conquered the World
What image comes to your mind when I say beer? Is it the dark, inky, black body and creamy white head of Guinness? Is it the cloudy, opaque appearance and creamsicle hue of a hefeweizen? Most likely it’s a beer with a light straw color and bright clarity similar to a Pilsner, as roughly 9 out of every 10 beers brewed and consumed in the world is an imitation of this Czech standard. How did this beer come into being and make its way around the globe to be imitated by brewers worldwide? Let’s go to the town of Plzen and…
The Issue of Sending Holiday Cards
The issue of sending holiday cards has always presented a dilemma. Each year you have to decide whether or not to send a card to so-and-so because the cards have become more expensive, postage rates have gone up, and the list of potential recipients has grown exponentially. No matter how many cards (or letters) you send, you always forget somebody or you receive a card from someone you took off your list. It never fails, as you are walking back from the mailbox looking at return addresses, that you realize, “I never sent them a card.” And have you noticed…
Drinking on the Dark Side
I’m going to tack in a different direction and discuss that malty cousin to wine, also known as beer. Some people may wonder what a wine column is doing discussing beer. In truth, I think of my musings as an equal opportunity chance to highlight all tasty beverages of the adult persuasion. Besides, those that know the wine industry are familiar with the cliché, “It takes a lot of beer to make great wine.” And this is the best time of year for beer. The fall and winter months bring the return of all the tasty seasonals that warm you…
Happy Thanksgiving!
It’s that time of year when we give thanks for all the blessings heaped upon us in the past and reflect upon that which we wish for the future. First, let us give thanks. We are thankful that we have been productive enough to be able to feed our dogs on time (or close to it) so they have not turned upon us and ripped our throats out in retaliation for an empty food dish. We are thankful that none of our friends have demanded photographic proof of the existence of “the big one that got away.” We are thankful…
Getting Your Just Desserts
The holiday season and its feasts are almost here. While an entire industry exists to help you pair your meals with an array of wines, one of the often overlooked parts of the meal is the digestif. I’d like to introduce you to some classic dessert wines, fortified wines, and some liqueurs that are not only exceptional beverages in their own right, but are the perfect end to any meal. Port Port wine is probably the easiest to get your hands on. Several countries make a fortified style wine that generically is called port, but I personally am a snob in…
