Horoscopes for November 11-17, 2012
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will tell everyone the true meaning of life is; Mersey Dotes and Dosey Dotes and Little Lambs Eat Ivy or Awop Bop A Lu Bop Alop Bam Boom. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Still recovering from a number of Halloween parties, you will show up for work in a variety of horror costumes. Fortunately, no one will notice. Business as usual. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will worry about reaching rock bottom. It’s not the rock you need to be concerned with, it’s the nasty, gooey, stinky bottom where all the…
Ford Versus Windows . . .
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…twice a day. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would…
Dead Horse Theory
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.” However, in government, education and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse. 4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses. 5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 6….
For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner. 10. When…
Observing Sleep
At a relatively young age, say 20 something, I watched several minutes of Andy Warhol’s five-hour film “Sleep,” showing only a nude man sleeping through the night. There were no explosions, no trysts, just frame after frame of a nude man sleeping. Although critics determined to catch the avant garde wave insisted on making a fuss over this contribution to Warhol’s self-made mythology, I found myself bored and walked out of the theater. And later, when friends asked what I thought about “Sleep,” I just couldn’t bring myself to engage in a serious discussion of the film’s purported outrageousness, its capacity to irritate or the…
Ye Olde Demon…
One drink I haven’t touched on much in my writing this column is the spirit, rum. That’s mostly because I don’t drink much hard liquor. I do enjoy a well-made spirit from time to time though, and when it comes to my tastes, my preferences include whiskies, tequilas and nice dark rums. Rum tends to be one of the more neglected spirits in the average person’s bar repertoire, as it gets relegated to cheap cocktails and fruity tooty drinks. Rum has a storied history though with influence around the globe. The drink has quietly earned a place amongst the world’s…
Departing Dearly
Dear Frankly, I’m a widower with two grown children and am approaching my final days. After my death I would like a former high school girlfriend notified, and I have written a letter to be given to her. She has been married to the same man for 40 years, and we have not been in contact. I always had special feelings for her and would like to her to know and thank her for the great times we had together. Am I doing the right thing? Departing Dad Dear Departing, Well, as far as I can tell, you’ll be gone…
A Barbie Women Can Relate To
Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and her face turns beet red with drops of perspiration appearing on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tissues. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. Flabby Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in…
Dirt Road Expert
I’m a dirt road expert. I’ve not only driven on dirt roads in more than a dozen states and six foreign countries, but I’ve lived and worked on dirt roads in three states. I live on a dirt road now, and I am appalled, yes appalled, at the lack of etiquette I’ve seen lately in my travels. If you’re one of those prissy-pants who wouldn’t accept a barbecue invitation from the president because his ranch is on a dirt road and you don’t want to get your shiny SUV dirty, you can just skip this column and we’ll see you…
Effects of Alcohol Binging
Excentric World staff members look at the effects of alcohol binging on college campuses across the country. Halloween, a known time for excessive spirits and chocolates, has sounded alarms that, in spite of fewer dollars to spend at school, there seems to be a few bucks for booze. Related posts: Benign Torture of Loved Ones Effects of Steroids Reaction to Selective Shopping The Italian Pasta Diet
Horoscopes for November 4-10, 2012
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) All signs point toward November being a very good month for you. Everything will go exactly as you planned–love, money, job. Then the relatives arrive… AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Stars forecast that someone might have a hidden agenda that doesn’t mesh all that well with what you want. As long as it stays hidden, hey, what do you care? PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Don’t overreact. It’s best to feel your immediate emotional reaction. Breathe. Feel it. Feel it some more. When you feel you’ve finally got the feeling…never mind. ARIES…
We Don’t Serve Miners!
Prior to the discovery of gold in California, a castaway Christian congregation, led by a Mr. Brigham Young, set up shop at most of Utah’s good watering holes. Mr. Young’s followers were farmers. They did not drink, at least not in the vernacular sense of the word. However, after the 1849 discovery of gold in California, waves of fortune hunters started showing up at the Utah watering holes. These fortune hunters were miners. In the vernacular sense of the word, they were drinkers, much like Jim and I. The farmers had adopted a no-drinking policy, and since the farmers were there first, they got to…
Happy Halloween!
Well, how was your last Halloween? Did you go trick-or-treating? What!? You say you’re too old for that sort of thing? NONSENSE! Remember the saying, “You’re as old as you feel”? For some reason, last Halloween I felt about 10 or 12, so I decided to dress up, go around the neighborhood and gather me a stash of sweets. The first challenge was to come up with a costume. This had to be something unique, not just some store-bought standard thing anyone would put on. I investigated many avenues and tried many things before deciding what to wear. My first…
Dirty Children Make Healthy Adults?
Excentric World staff members take a look at why some children are more prone to diseases and infections than others. While not recommended by doctors, recent studies have shown that adults who, as children, played in creeks, ate dirt, licked their wounds and lied about washing their hands were less likely to fall ill to the common cold and were able to ward off the flu and infections. The small child pictured may look forward to a healthy adulthood, taking tolerance building to a whole new level. Licking the snout of a pig may seem gross and disgusting at first,…
Horoscopes for October 28-November 3, 2012
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will search high and low, far and wide, to join the little car driving Shriners after your mate tells you you’re never gonna do it without your fez on. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This October, the Sun will be changing signs and moving out of your Fifth House of Pleasure. Anyone with five houses of pleasure is out of touch anyway. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This time of year, it’s an ideal moment for you to focus on your Inner Self. Actually, if you focused on your Outer Self it…
On Board Computers
I witnessed on my plasma screen A brand new toothbrush ad! An ordinary brush except for What this toothbrush had: An actual computer in The handle! “Oh what fun!” To tell the owner of the brush Just when the teeth were done! “On-board computer,” said the voice! A phrase I’ve grown to hate, But, still, my hungry rabbit-brain Snapped quickly at the bait. On-board computers in your comb? To keep your fur arranged? On-board computers in your socks? To keep your feet estranged? On-board computers in your belt? To keep away the fat? And how about in condoms? No! I’ll…
Horoscopes for October 21-27, 2012
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You show your lack of finances savvy this month, when a friend suggests you invest in stocks and you stock up on chicken, beef and vegetable broths. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will decide to cash in on a new health care system. Knowing that the wheels of government turn slowly, you will busily clear land for a political leech farm. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You’ll attend a wild Halloween party where everyone wears masks, costumes or disguises. At the midnight unveiling, you will realize you had the wrong address. CANCER…
Hong Kong Ghosts Inhabiting Their Homes
Q: I read that for bargain hunters in Hong Kong’s turbocharged property market, apartments that belonged to the recently deceased are proving irresistible — and the more gruesome the occupant’s demise, the better. Popular belief in a city awash with superstition runs that the ghost of a person who dies in unnatural circumstances — a suicide, murder or bad accident — inhabits their home, passing misfortune onto the new occupants. Anything like that happening in the states? A: We don’t need suicides, murders or ghosts to reduce the value of homes in America. We have an unregulated banking system. Q:…
Horoscopes for October 14-20, 2012
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will consider taking a trip to a distant state or foreign country, perhaps one associated with a great spiritual tradition. Or, just hang out in Sedona for a week. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Feeling that your co-workers are taking unfair advantage of you will start you thinking of going into business for yourself. Now, where to set up your cubicle. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Stress and job frustration will have you thinking about breaking free, walking out the door, and getting on the first plane somewhere else. One word: Galapagos….
Quotes from Sports Guys
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “It’s about 90% strength and 40% technique.” — Johnny Walker “If I wasn’t talking, I wouldn’t know what to say.” — Chico Resch “We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.” — Barry Beck “The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.” — Dizzy Dean “He fakes a bluff.” — Ron Fairly “It could permanently…
Campy Former Partner
Dear Frankly, I’ve been dating the woman I love for more than three years. Recently, she suggested we take a break. It’s been a couple of months now and I have only managed to reach her a few times by phone. She says I did nothing wrong, but she wants to figure things out. She also said she has been hanging out with an old friend. They have been camping and to concerts, but has only kissed him. Should I try to win her favor or let her go? Depressed Dave Dear Depressed, Let her go. I’ve found that when…
Tell-tale Expose
BEST SELLER NEWS: A new book is expected out before elections, penned by “Alias.” The tell-tale expose on many current high profile national politicians, many up for reelection, could very well affect the outcome. Titled, “It Takes an Idiot . . . to Raze a Village,” should both enlighten and entertain America’s voters. EDUCATION NEWS: Arizona has become known as a national leader in school choice with open enrollment and providing charter schools as an alternative to the public school system. As a result, Arizona is now ahead of Mississippi in student performance. SCIENCE NEWS: There is a theory which…
Horoscopes for October 7-13, 2012
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Your karma bank account will be overdrawn. It’s time you made a deposit. If not, you may become a subject in the book, “When Your Karma Turns To Cacca.” AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You always count on “your guides” as you navigate through life. This month, you’ll discover that their compasses are busted and you are, like, totally lost. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) There are a lot of facts and figures simmering in your head, which could explain why you misplaced your keys, but not why you forgot to get…
Pennies From Heaven
Q: I read about a man who claims he saw pennies fall from the sky. His story is he was walking around, no buildings nearby, and first heard metallic sounds from the ground and then discovered pennies. Then he was pelted by even more pennies coming from seemingly nowhere. He mentioned that the pennies were warm. I know there is an old song called “Pennies From Heaven,” but this just sounds zany. Is there any documented case of money falling from the skies? A: I suppose. I think if I found warm pennies that fell from the sky, I would…
An Apple a Day
I’m a history buff. I took a vacation recently to one of America’s richest history regions in Central Virginia. What struck me touring about Monticello and Montpelier (the respective homes of Thomas Jefferson and James Madison) is the day to day life that the estates would produce from the land. I found the way the homes were constructed so they could deal with everyday tasks to be fascinating, especially regarding the harvesting, storage, and preparation of foodstuffs, as both Jefferson and Madison enjoyed fine dining and entertained quite often. I had known for some time about traditional drinks of the…
Maybe I Was Wrong!
The average male is five feet eight inches tall. I reached that height more than forty years ago and haven’t grown an inch since, so I think I have to resign myself to the fact that I never will get any taller. But I pretty much thought that I would never get any shorter either. Maybe I was wrong. The first ten of those forty-odd years, my waist size fluctuated between 28 and 30 inches. I could measure my own waist, but not my inseam and have never been real comfortable having someone else do it either. Therefore, by trial…
Is Time Travel Really Possible?
Q: I read where a survey of 3,000 people has revealed 30 per cent of adults across the UK believe time travel is possible and not confined to the realms of fictional films or television. And nearly half of adults (44 per cent) wrongly believe memory-erasing technology similar to that used in the film, Men in Black, and hover boards, such as those showcased in Back to the Future, exist in reality. Are people that gullible on your side of the pond? A: Heck, we’ve got people here who believe our President is an alien. Brits have some catching up…
Good Things to Eat?
Oxford Companion to Cooking? My wife has expanded the cookbook collection…again! We have more cookbooks than a cooking school. The only time I get to eat is when I force myself to take a moment off from the never-ending job of building shelves for all the new cookbooks. Yesterday, in a fit of curiosity, I put down my saw and hammer and actually took a moment to look at one of the books I was building these shelves for. I was amazed. I was speechless (some will count this as a blessing). I was fascinated. I was mesmerized. All of…
Horoscopes for September 30-October 6, 2012
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will explain that the reason you are addicted to alcohol and sex is that you sought to cure your Restless Leg Syndrome. Oh yeah, it’s also why you wet the bed. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month finds you feeling confident and secure. The armored Hummer, mace, nunchaku, switchblade and AK-47 can’t protect you from those nasty nightmares. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will find yourself thinking about climate change. What concerns you most is what possible effect it will have on your wardrobe. Shop ’til you drop, Gemini. CANCER…
Rising Gas Prices
Excentric World staff members take a look at rising gas prices. Congress recently denied a bill to take some of the tax breaks away from the rich oil companies. It makes one wish that any federal legislator, including those from the Executive Branch, be exempt from voting on any bill that would benefit Americans at the detriment of any company or product in which they have invested. In fact, in order to be elected for more than one term, every politician would have to release their holdings in all private companies, making them an ordinary citizen not influenced by corporate…
